'AITA or NA here? I refuse to get rid of the ring/give it to my wife I was going to propose my late girlfriend with.'
"AITA or NA here? I refuse to get rid of the ring/give it to my wife I was going to propose my late girlfriend with."
My wife and I were married for 7 years before we went through a very difficult time and chose to separate and divorce at that time. Our separation lasted for 4 years and 6 months.
During that time, I was in a relationship with a woman named Ana for nearly 2 years before she tragically passed away in an accident. I was about to propose her, even bought the ring that I still keep with me.
Eventually, my wife and I reconnected and we chose to give our relationship another chance. I want to be clear this reconciliation was not a rebound. I truly value and love my wife, and I believe in the relationship we’re rebuilding. It’s a completely new relationship.
That said, Ana’s memory remains with me. I don’t compare the two relationships they are separate and beautiful in their own ways. However, my wife is very uncomfortable with the idea that I still hold space for Ana in my heart.
She also asked me to remove the few items I keep in remembrance (she didn’t know those were from Ana until I mentioned they were) things like a plant Ana gifted me, and a couple of keepsakes from a trip in my home office drawer. Nothing that stands out or would be obvious to anyone visiting.
What hurts the most is, she wants me to either get rid of the ring I was going to propose to Ana with, or change the setting and give it to her instead. I told her no, absolutely not. It’s a non negotiable for me to still honor Ana.
I don’t really visit her grave or make it known to her it’s a special day (such as birthdays and anniversaries - those are the only days when I just go to our special place during my lunch break and don’t tell my wife to quietly acknowledge our memories).
My wife was hurt and accused me of emotional infidelity. There are no photos of Ana in our home and no one visiting would know too. I told her that part of being with me might now mean understanding that my loss is a baggage that comes with me. It’s a new relationship, nothing like our previous one.
That said my wife isn’t a consolation prize. I have made so many changes both in my life and in the spaces I live in to honor her feelings and help us start fresh. It broke my heart to remove things that held memories of Ana, like changing the wallpaper or putting away the few items that reminded me of her.
But I did it because I wanted to meet her where she was emotionally. I’ve tried hard to show her that I understand and care about how all of this affects her. Now, I just want the same kind of understanding in return.
I don’t have much left to remember Ana by, and nothing I do is public. I’ve taken down old photos from social media because she asked me to. But I’m struggling with how much more I’m being asked to erase. At what point am I no longer grieving, but pretending I never loved?
I can make changes to my environment. I can be discreet. But I can’t delete the part of my heart where Ana still lives. I need my wife to understand that loving her now doesn’t mean I have to forget everything that came before.
Now she’s extremely upset, and I’m wondering if I was wrong to be so firm about my feelings. She constantly asks me if I think about her, what else do I have as objects that remind me of her etc etc. it’s exhausting trying to reassure her.
It is important for me to at least have the space in our relationship where I can at least feel my feelings even though I don’t have a right to outwardly express those feelings. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Didn't you also post about how you want your wife to understand that Ana is the love of your life?
I found that post. OP is TA because of the other post.
Yeah this relationship is over. Also this isn’t the same as getting into a relationship with a widower because they were already together for 7 years before so it’s understandable she would be jealous and expect to be the love of his life . she’s not a new woman coming in after he was with someone else for years.
She’s probably reacting like this because you told her Ana is the love of your life. YTA and brought this on yourself. Give the ring to someone in Ana’s family or go bury it at her grave or something.
I think you got remarried too soon after. Sounds like you still aren’t over it.
NTA- both my present hubby and I were married before. Our partners both died tragically after many years of marriage. He does not begrudge the fact I made LH ring into a pendant. Nor did he care that I used the diamond from my wedding ring to place in his ring to me.
As for him, he gave me some of his LW expensive jackets. He didn't care. He kept their wedding photos and other deeply personal items. That's fine with me. We had wonderful lives with our late spouses. It's normal to want keepsakes. Your wife needs to grow up and appreciate the man she has and not worry about your memories.
If I were your wife, I'd divorce your ass. You need to get over Ana who isn't even still alive but still preventing you giving all your devotion to your wife. What the hell? Who would put up with this?
Idk, the comment “my wife was no consultation prize” makes me wonder if you even like your wife. I know everything is complicated but you need to think about if this relationship is worth it? It seems you’ve given up a lot for your wife, but what has she done to make it work? Is this relationship more of a relationship of convenience? Maybe you got back with her way too soon.
I don't know, you’ve been with your wife for way longer than the other woman. Me and my husband have split and gotten back together and if he kept pining over any woman let alone a dead one I'd question my place and importance as well.
At the very end of the day y'all weren’t married and didn’t have kids in the grand scheme of things she wasn’t anybody to you but your wife absolutely is you said vows correct me if I'm wrong not once but twice.
If you really love your wife and want a future with her you need to leave dead girl in the past. I don't think either of you are the AH but I'm definitely leaning more towards your wife’s side. It’s odd to keep the memory of a woman you chose over your wife alive right in front of her and then question why that makes her upset.