'AITA for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew’s friend?'
"AITA for refusing to go on a family trip unless they disinvite my nephew’s friend?"
I (43M) am really close to my family, consisting of my siblings, their spouses, their kids, and my parents. Every year we go on a vacation this time of year for two weeks, and come back right before Christmas. We are supposed to leave a week from today.
I am the divorced, single, sole parent to my daughter (15F). She jokingly calls herself a nerd; she’s weird, she’s quirky, she likes anime and video games and Star Wars, the whole stereotypical nerd thing. She does get bullied at school, but since leaving middle school and growing up a little more she started taking it better, and mostly it stopped.
This one boy, who I will call Jeff (16M, presumably) and is coincidentally my nephew’s (who is also sort of an AH) best friend, is an absolute nightmare. I’ve talked to the school, we’ve had meetings with his parents, she’s switched around classes extensively, but he still goes out of his way to pick on Emily.
She has told me herself that she can deal with name calling, but it doesn’t stop there. He pulls her hair, rips her clothes, destroys her things, like this kid is a full fledged nightmare. They even got into a fist fight that they were both suspended for last year because he stole her backpack and put it into a full toilet in the boys' bathroom.
When I was discussing plans with my sister, she brought up needing to buy Jeff a winter coat. When I realized he was going on the trip, I actually almost lost it.
I told her, admittedly without thinking, that we weren’t going, and she began begging me, talking about tradition and family and blah blah. I said no, I’ll eat my portion of the cost, but we are not going. After a longer conversation, I said I’ll go if they disinvite Jeff.
We are well off and we are lucky to have grown up in a financially stable home with parents who are attentive and supportive, and for our kids to have done the same. Jeff was not that lucky. He lives in a really unstable environment both financially and emotionally.
This was apparent to me from the meetings with his parents, as his father did not care and his mother blamed my daughter for being evil; and these were multiple, separate meetings. This is awful, and I’m sorry that Jeff or any child has to go through that, but I told my sister that my position still stands.
The conversation went back and forth, mostly just her throwing excuses. Jeff has divorced parents, he grew up differently than us, maybe it’s just a crush (ew), so on and so forth. When I reminded her of the fight, she said “I know, but Jeff needs this”.
She mentioned how he needed a break from his toxic home life, and I respect that, but why does that mean I have to put my daughter in a house with her tormentor for two weeks?
I told her I wasn’t changing my mind and went home. Now there is pure chaos. My family is split, my parents are begging me to go, I’m getting texts near constantly. My daughter told me she’s not going if Jeff is going. She had a full blown panic attack over it. Maybe I’m looking for validation, or maybe I really need a wake up call and I’m just a selfish a^%$ole.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hold firm. I’d say, “since when does our family reward egregious behavior?
Excellent wording, thank you!
NTA. Look into filing an RO against Jeff. Don't be guilted or bullied into going and placing your daughter in harms way. Also, let your family absorb the costs. You shouldn't pay for her bully to go. Can your daughter change schools? Take care.
She can, and I practically begged her to before this last school year, but she really doesn’t want to. I think she feels like she’s flourishing despite the bullying situation. She doesn’t want to leave her friends or extracurriculars. It drives me up the wall.
NTA, Jeff's situation may be tragic, but your priority should always be your daughter, and it sounds like you've got your priorities straight. Stick to your stance. Jeff is not your responsibility, and asking you to sacrifice your daughter's mental well-being for a child who has repeatedly tormented her is downright cruel.
I'm guessing he hasn't even apologized and showed remorse, and they expect you and your daughter to roll over for him just because he has it tough. Time for him to learn a tough lesson not to take his problems out on others
No real apology, no. They both to read each other apology letters for their suspension, but that’s it. As I said, it’s really sad that a child is struggling in the way Jeff is, but my kid doesn’t need to pay for that.
Apology letters? Your daughter is defending herself. She had nothing to apologize for. Your school sucks.
frankly, it's probably helpful for Jeff to experience the consequences of his choices.
like, I get that it's hard for a child to a) regulate their emotions (I'm three times Jeff's age and I still have to actively remind myself) and b) have the logical stance that asking for structural help is more productive than bullying someone to blow off steam over their troublesome home.
Sincerely, f&^% Jeff, f%$# your sister, f%&^ the family that agrees with them. Lots of people have hard childhoods.
The majority of my friends grew up in toxic households. My own mother had a heart attack and was put in a psych ward for a week before I was Jeff's age, while my dad was in Iraq. None of us ever bullied, harassed, or assaulted other kids. Nta, keep your daughters peace.
You know it’s funny, and I didn’t include this, but every stupid little point my sister had about why I should feel bad for Jeff I had a solid rebuttal, and she hated that. My daughter’s mother and I are divorced, and my ex isn’t even around. My daughter gets verbally abused at school and is still one of the sweetest, kindest people you’ll ever meet.
It was just a bunch of poop excuses, frankly. I’m mildly appalled because the adults of my family has always been incredible and supportive, and I’m surprised that this was even a conversation on the table.
Take a step further and say OK you’ll go, but you expect everyone to turn the other cheek when you treat him the same way he treats your daughter
NTA. I too would be beyond livid!! Under no f^%$#$g circumstances would I knowingly choose to take a holiday with my kid's harasser. Good on you for setting this boundary. Please do not let them guilt you out of holding it!
Thank you, I appreciate that! I was starting to feel a bit crazy, but it’s literally exactly as you said. A vacation with a little shit who hates my kid? Sounds like a grand ol’ time.
"My daughter doesn't feel safe with Jeff around" should be enough. If it is not enough, you have terribly enabling relatives. Talking about family tradition? Where is the tradition where they invite a destructive and clearly unbalanced individual to a warm family event?
If Jeff "needs this trip" so badly, it's more than a two-weeks-away thing will help. Put it on them if they're really interested in Jeff's mental well-being. Tell them to take the trip $ they would spend on Jeff and buy him some warm clothes, get some counseling, or start a small college fund.
There are tons of ways to better help Jeff than taking him and putting him in close quarters with your daughter.
Also - off subject a bit - speak to a lawyer about your situation at school, and get some counsel. A restraining order, a legal-type letter to the school, maybe just a phone call would get the admins to wake up and take your daughter's safety more seriously.
That’s actually a good idea. Hot chocolate and snow won’t fix whatever is wrong in that boy’s brain.
As for the lawyer, I’ve left this in another comment, but working on it! As of the last incident, we actually discussed sending a letter to the school, but my lawyer is getting his ducks in a row, is what I’m told.