'AITA for refusing to hang out with my friend's cheater girlfriend?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to hang out with my friend's cheater girlfriend?"
I was asked by a friend of mine to stop by his place and grab some stuff one day a few months ago since I had a spare key. Nobody was supposed to be there since his girlfriend works at that time but when I got there her car and a truck I didn't recognize were in the driveway. Immediately assumed the worst and was right.
Took a few pictures of the truck and car in the driveway then went in to confront her and she was half naked on the couch with another guy. Snapped a few pics and left before she could get dressed and chase me down.
Immediately called my friend and let him know what I saw. Met up and showed him the pictures. He was heartbroken but said he'd started to suspect things a few weeks prior so he wasn't too surprised. He confronts her and she gives the usual cheater BS. "It was a mistake. Only happened once. I love you he meant nothing!"
However she couldn't keep up the lie and was forced to admit she'd done it with another guy a few months previously and that same guy I caught here with the night before when she was "staying late" at work but was actually at her side piece's house.
He broke up with her and kicked her out of his place. Seemed to be doing better until a couple weeks later he gets lonely and takes her back. Now they are together again and I've stopped hanging out when she's around.
So I don't see him as much anymore. We had the following exchange when we met up for lunch and I'm wondering if I was too harsh. This isn't word for word but its the best I can pull from memory:
Him: Why don't you come over anymore? We barely hang out.
Me: You know why. I'm not hanging out with, or around, your girl. She's a cheater and I don't hang out with cheaters. Also she hates me because I'm the one that caught her stepping out on you. Remember?
Him: She doesn't hate you. I forgave her. Its fine. So just come over tonight and we can hang out. She wants you over there too.
Me: Not happening. I hope you're happy with her but I think she's trash and I'd rather sit in a room by myself than pretend she's not a total piece of s just so you can act like everything is ok.
Him: Why the hell do you care? She didn't cheat on you! (He was getting visibly worked up at this point and I was probably looking about the same.)
Me: Look. If you want to sweep this under the rug and keep pretending things are fine while she figures out how to get some side [piece] again without getting caught that's your choice. But I can never pretend that I didn't walk in on her half naked with another man.
And I can't pretend that you aren't an idiot for taking her back when she obviously is going to cheat again and has no respect for you. Hell I have less respect for you for taking her back.
We sat in angry silence for a minute before I left and since then it's been mostly quiet. Got a text asking if I really think she's a horrible person and I replied "Yes she's a horrible person. I hate her and hope one day you're smart enough to leave her. But until then I'll be keeping my distance from you as well."
And that's been about it. A few of our mutual friends hung out with them recently and they say its super awkward. My friend tries to get them to interact with her but they also don't like her. They're just too polite to say anything to his face about it.
So getting to the judgement I need. Have I been too harsh here? Was I an asshole for snapping at him like that after everything that happened? Should I have just played nice and just made excuses not to hang out instead?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA cheaters are disgusting and frankly i'd be the same. if he wants to forgive her that's fine, but you don't have to. you don't have to hang around anyone you don't want to hang around with and nobody can tell you or not tell you who to be around.
ChickenWingPriest OP responded:
For the record I understand that I'm not an a^%$&le for wanting to distance myself from his girlfriend. I'm mostly worried about how harsh I was when we met up and got into our argument. That's where I think I might have crossed a line.
No you were a true friend, frankly he's lucky to have you. We all need someone who will have our back , even.if having their back means giving them the harsh truth, no true friend would let their friend continue to be a doormat.
us don't give up on the guy when he eventually catches her cheating again and or she dumps him he'll need his friends because she obviously has some kind of hold on him
He’s only angry with you because he’s actually angry with himself. Some times we have to let others make their own mistakes.
About a month later OP came back with this update:
A month ago I came here to get some perspective on a potential falling out with a friend of mine over him taking back his girlfriend after I caught her cheating on him and she admitted to doing it multiple times. I stopped hanging out with him after we got into an argument over me not wanting to hang out with his cheater girlfriend.
Things played out almost exactly how I figured they would and I'm feeling pretty validated in my disdain for his now Ex. After our fight my friend and I barely spoke to each other outside of a few texts. Then I got a call from him yesterday letting me know he kicked her out.
He told me he'd only taken her back after several weeks of her begging and promising to do whatever it took to win his trust back. One of the conditions of him taking her back was full access to her phone, laptop, and game console without complaint.
He said at first she was happy to comply but after a few weeks he noticed her acting suspicious and when he went to check her phone she'd changed the passcode from the one they'd agreed on for him to get in. When confronted she started screaming at him and telling him she'd done enough to prove herself so he needs to back off.
He immediately dumped her and kicked her out. Said she immediately backtracked and tried to hand her phone over when she realized he was serious, but the damage was done. Said he was almost relieved she acted like this because it made the decision easier.
I came over and helped him move all her stuff into boxes for her to pick up. I wasn't there when she came to get everything but his sister was there and had to get between them because his ex kept trying to kiss him "one last time" while awkwardly dragging boxes of her stuff out to her car. I'm sad I didn't get to be there. Apparently she ugly cried most of the time.
I'm gonna head over to his place after work to drink and play video games to get his mind off things. He's a dumb^$%, but I think he's finally learned his lesson about her. I just hope his next girl is loyal. And doesn't talk so goddamn much during movies.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
NTA, it's too hard to look her in the face while she's destroying your friend. He came back and he knows you're a good friend.
ChickenWingPriest OP responded:
More importantly he knows he's a dumba%$. But he's a lovable dumba@#.
NTA. You shouldn’t be forced to hang out with people you don’t like or respect and I’m glad he finally has the blinders off. You sound like a good friend who was watching his back but sometimes people in love or lust are really dumb and you just have to be there to pick up the pieces. But, the fact that she talks during movies would’ve been a deal breaker. That’s just wrong.
ChickenWingPriest OP responded:
If there weren't explosions and fight scenes on the screen she'd immediately get bored and try and talk to people about random stuff. It was so bizarre. She'd even do it with movies she picked!
You're a damn good friend. I hope he appreciates you.
I'm splurging on the good pizza and beer tonight. He'd better appreciate it!