"AITA for not helping my daughter?"
My daughter [22F] went NC with me two years ago. Before this happened, I was warning her about this guy she's dating who is full of red flags. He love-bombed her and isolated her from her family and friends. She dropped out of college despite my pleas to reconsider.
She decided to move in with him and since then I never heard from her directly but she would often ask my family member to ask me for money. Last thing I heard about her is that she has 1 yr old twins and her life is basically falling apart.
The "love of her life" turned out to be a monster and she's working two jobs to keep her family afloat. The friends she abandoned are now done with college and starting new careers in corporate while she works at a Dollar store and Uber.
A family member showed me a screenshot of my daughter's FB post basically calling me an a*%^ole for not stepping up and helping her. She also ranted about me not supporting her to finish college unlike her friend's parents.
I don't have much extra money and I am saving for retirement. She dropped out when I begged her not to. Plus she also blocked my number. She knows where I live but she never attempted to drop by. AITA for not reaching out and offering help?
In a different post OP added some small details:
Two yrs ago, my daughter dropped out of college. I tried to make her reconsider because she already made it halfway, it would be a waste to just drop out. She said she's an adult and can do whatever she wants. As a parent, I expressed my disappointment and she made it clear that she does not want to have anything to do with me and to never contact her again.
Here's what people had to say to OP after her original post:
I pause to wonder what happened in the daughter's childhood to choose to be with a loser bf. Daddy issues? Weight struggles? SA? It seems like OP provided a kush set up so where did things go awry?
This is what's driving me crazy too. She's gorgeous (not saying coz she's my flesh and blood but she looked like she could be a model), not overweight at all when she started dating him. I always thought since she got princess treatment from me, she would have high standards. Imagine my disappointment when she chose this loser.
All I remember is that before this guy, there's someone she really liked who never liked her back. So this guy could be a rebound? Her ego got hurt? Also the guy was good at love bombing. It is sad to see her now. She looks so different than what I remembered. She lost that happy glow and she gained around 100 lbs.
NTA. Your daughter made her choices and cut you off. It's not fair for her to expect support now after ignoring your advice and blocking you. You have your own financial responsibilities and can't be expected to fix her mistakes.
She needs to take responsibility for her actions and find a way to improve her situation. It's understandable that you feel conflicted, but you shouldn't feel guilty for prioritizing your own well-being.
Well ... She got what she wanted. She lives with her beloved and she is the one who broke off contact. She didn't give a damn about you. She pay for stupidity. NTA
Yeah she did not give a damn about me. She only lives 10 mins away but never ever dropped by to say hi yet expects me to touch my life savings to help her out. I am thinking, I could run out of money helping her and when I need help she won't be there at all.
3 days later OP posted this update:
Thanks everyone for your input. I sent a message to my daughter via a family member on FB and my son and they both came to my house last night for dinner. I told them it is an open forum where we can air our grievances against each other and from there we will sort it out.
Daughter: Hates me for not trying hard enough to reach out to her when she moved in with her bf. She also hates it that I never tried to "accept" her bf.
My reason is that she decided to drop out and be an adult and I felt disrespected by hurtful things she said and by blocking me, I got the message she does not want me around. I can never accept her bf. He cheated on her many times and he does not work. I am disgusted.
Son: Hates me for not giving him the extra money I had saved for the rest of my daughter's college. And he also said, if I didn't want to give it to him, I could have given it to her when she got pregnant.
My reason is that I paid for his college too. Since my daughter did not finish, whatever extra money I had saved for her tuition, I moved it to my retirement savings. Why would I give it to him when I already paid for his too. He graduated with zero student loan. Also, why would I give it to her just because she got pregnant? Being an adult means you are responsible for your decisions.
Me: I am disappointed that my daughter dropped out, moved in with her bf, got pregnant, and now living a hard life. I told her I worked my ass off to give her a good life and that she was my little princess. I never wanted her to experience hardship in life but she chose this life and this is her reality now.
I'm disappointed at my son for cutting me off and disrespecting me when I tried to reach out. All in all, we were civil. But they suggested that I get a reverse mortgage so they get their inheritance early and that would help them buy their own house. I said I will think about it.
Here's what people had to say after OP's update:
I would get a will in place that whatever I happen to have left when I pass (if anything) gets donated. Ungrateful money grabbers don't deserve anything.
Ah yes, the classic "let's air grievances so we can hit you with new ways to disappoint us" strategy. You’re not the AH for standing your ground, but let’s not sugarcoat it, your kids are treating you like an ATM with a guilt-trip feature.
Daughter expects you to welcome her chronically unfaithful, unemployed boyfriend with open arms, while Son seems to think “extra money” means “my money now.” And the cherry on top? They want you to risk your financial security so they can buy houses. Bold move, considering their track records in adulting.
You’ve done your part. You funded their education (or attempted to), reached out despite being blocked, and hosted them for this dysfunctional dinner. If they want to play the “you’re a bad parent” card, remind them that being a parent doesn’t mean you’re obligated to enable bad decisions or jeopardize your future. Keep that retirement fund intact, sounds like you’ll need it for peace of mind.
NTA but you need to do a little soul searching here. How did you manage to raise two disrespectful, entitled assholes like this? Both of them only care about your money! Gross! Refi so they can have an early inheritance? 🤯 If my child pushed for that I’d drop the hammer hard. Zero expectation of inheritance going forward unless I saw some significant change in their selfish attitudes.
I grew up poor. I told myself I will make sure my children will live comfortably. I gave them everything I never had as a kid. This is the end result.
6 days later OP came back with this update:
Once again, thanks everyone for your inputs. I messaged them both and informed them that I will not be getting a reverse mortgage. I enumerated the cons and told them there's no way it will work for me.
I have to maintain the property according to their strict terms.
High fees and costs
Reduced home equity and in case I need some money for myself, I won't have much left
My son said he understands but asked me if I can withdraw some from my 401k. My daughter threw a fit and accused me of not caring about her and my grandkids. To be honest, I have not even met my grandkids yet. Right now I am putting myself first because it is clear that none of them have my back.
I also got text messages from her bf, basically calling me greedy and that I am doing this to punish her for being with him. I admit that maybe if she wasn't with him, I'd at least help her get back on her feet. But knowing that she is with him, there's no way I'd give her anything.
Comments for OP:
Umm you have two greedy kids. Time for them to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. Quit bailing them out. They can get jobs, save money and pay for things themselves- like the rest of us.
Oh my god. Tell them to f*&& off. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Updateme!
NTA. Why are you even entertaining helping either of them. They are no longer children. Let them sink or swim on their own. They look on you as an ATM. Nothing more. Advice: Tell them both to go pound sand.