'AITA for refusing to let my roommate’s boyfriend live with us after he 'tested' me?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to let my roommate’s boyfriend live with us after he 'tested' me?"
I (19F) live with my roommate, let’s call her “Ashley” (20F), in a small two-bedroom apartment. We’ve been friends since high school and decided to split rent when we both started college. Things were fine at first, but then she started dating “Jake” (22M).
At first, he was over just a couple of nights a week, which I didn’t mind. But over the past few months, he’s basically moved in—eating our food, using our stuff, and not contributing a single dime to rent or bills.
I finally had enough and told Ashley that Jake either needed to start paying his share or stop practically living here. She apologized and said she’d talk to him. I thought that was the end of it.
Fast forward to last week. I was getting ready to head out to a late-night study group when Jake cornered me in the kitchen. He told me he wanted to “test” me to see if I’d be a good person to live with full-time. I was confused and asked what he meant. He said that if I wanted him to pay rent, I had to prove I was “roommate material” by showing I could handle sharing the space with someone like him.
He then gave me a list of rules he’d want me to follow if he officially moved in—things like doing “my share” of the cooking (even though I already make my own meals), not bringing any guys over (I’m single, but why is that even relevant?), and being “respectful of his gaming time” by keeping the Wi-Fi free during his streams.
I laughed in his face and told him there was no way he was moving in. He got pissed and told Ashley I was being unreasonable. She confronted me and said Jake was just “testing the waters” and that I should’ve been more open to the idea.
She accused me of being jealous because I’m single and suggested I was trying to sabotage their relationship. Now she’s saying if I can’t “be supportive,” then maybe she should get a new roommate—one who “respects her relationship.”
I think this is completely insane, but Ashley and a couple of her friends are siding with Jake. They’re calling me selfish and controlling. AITA for refusing to let him move in after his ridiculous “test”?
In an early comment OP said this:
I’m kinda surprised by the responses because to me it always seemed… kinda normal?:/
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Jake's behavior is a major red flag. His "test" shows controlling tendencies and lack of respect for boundaries. The apartment is yours and Ashley's - he has no right to set rules or "test" you. His demands about cooking, visitors, and Wi-Fi usage are completely inappropriate.
Your original request was reasonable - either he pays rent or stops living there rent-free. Most leases have guest policies limiting overnight stays. Ashley is being manipulated here. Jake moved in without permission, uses resources without contributing, and now tries to establish dominance by setting rules in an apartment where he doesn't even pay rent.
Stand firm on your boundaries. Document everything. Check your lease about guest policies. Consider talking to your landlord if this continues. Remember - you signed a lease with Ashley, not Jake. His attempt to "test" you is just a power play to establish control over your shared living space.
thank you for the advice. I will start to document everything from now on! Any other advice I should do as well?
If you don't already have one, put a lock on your bedroom door.
NTA. Go to your landlord and explain the situation if Jake continues to live there. He will be forced to pay rent or leave. Also, remove your name from any utilities. If you pay for the wifi, change the password and they can buy their own wifi
will it not risk the whole friendship if I already change the password? I feel like I would harm them doing that Edit: I'm starting to understand now how much they have gaslighted me…
You need better friends...
Girl, I hate to break it to you, but these people aren't your friends.
🥲
NTA. What a prat. Why does she like a prat so much? BTW, do you have any male friends you trust enough to invite over and sleep in your room? I would be doing this A LOT.
I sadly don’t have many friends and after I started to realize this situation more clearly I’m not sure if I have any.
Time to make new friends then. Join a club. Meet new people who have similar interests. If you drop her, you're free to find people who actually care about you. There's plenty out there.
There's nothing to risk. She's not a friend if she's all good allowing her bf to push you around in your own place.
I have to admit my home doesn’t feel like a safe place anymore… not even my own room
So, he thinks he can come in as third wheel and start making demands and stupid rules? Sounds like he's not the "roommate material." Tell Ashley that if he's paying one third, that doesn't mean he gets priority. How dare he make demands when he's an equal partner in expenses! Especially for gaming for crying out loud.
yeah he gets really emotional when it comes to his gaming time…
3 days later OP came posted this update:
Hi everyone, it’s been a wild ride since my original post, and I wanted to give an update because a lot has happened.
First off, I want to thank everyone who commented…it helped me see things in a completely new light. Honestly, I didn’t even realize how much I was being gaslighted by Jake and Ashley until I read some of your insights. I thought they were my friends, but now I see how manipulative and toxic their behavior really is.
Maybe I just hated the thought of not having any friends but who needs enemies with these kind of friends… ngl it still breaks my heart to realize this and I cried a lot. But that doesn’t change anything haha I don’t know why I’m saying this it’s just been a really emotional days please forgive my rant.
Since our confrontation, Jake has gone full victim mode. He’s been telling mutual friends that I’m trying to "ruin his life" and "kick him out of his girlfriend’s apartment." (Let me remind you: this man doesn’t pay rent or contribute to any bills, so calling it "his girlfriend’s apartment" is already laughable.)
He’s been painting me as some controlling, jealous monster who can’t handle his “straightforward personality.” Meanwhile, Ashley is eating it up and defending him, saying I’m overreacting and “causing unnecessary drama.”
What’s worse is that I’ve started noticing just how much control Jake has over Ashley. She’s completely bought into his narrative and is now acting like I’m the enemy. For example, she told me last night that my “attitude” is making it hard for them to feel comfortable in their own home. THEIR home. This apartment is 50% mine, but suddenly,
I’m being treated like an unwelcome GUEST. I’ve decided I’ve had enough. I’ve already documented everything. his constant presence, his freeloading, and now his smear campaign… I’m reaching out to my landlord this week. Most leases have clauses about long-term guests, and Jake has definitely overstayed his.
As for Ashley, I don’t know if there’s any saving our friendship. I’m heartbroken because I thought she cared about me, but now I realize she’s supporting Jake’s abusive behavior.
Thank you to everyone who opened my eyes to what was really happening. I’ll post another update once I’ve spoken to my landlord and taken further action. For now, I’m just trying to reclaim my space.. and my peace of mind.
Also I really want to thank you for just… caring and being there. This is what I needed to hear and you all were honest and fair with me. I am very grateful for the support I got that I couldn’t get anywhere else. So thank you 🙏
Here's what people had to say in response to OP's update:
Nice that you're standing up for yourself and your right to a peaceful living space. :)
I realized the night after I posted that I didn’t feel safe anymore without a locked door. That was my sign I really needed to listen to the advice
Good for you on standing up for yourself. FYI… a 22m should almost be graduating college, not freeloading off a 19f girlfriend, demanding no one uses internet during his “gaming time.” This guy’s a walking red flag.
and he’s not even a good player (haha I m joking I have no idea but he gets angry all the time and screams at his screen and throws stuff across the room).
Ok, that’s even additional disturbing behavior! Guy can’t even control himself over a video game. Yikes!
Good luck, unfortunately Jake seems like a good manipulator so he might have gotten Ashley onboard with his narrative. Don't mean she is without guilt, just mean she might have started as a friend but even if she isn't that now.
I'd look for your own apartment, as long as they are in your life your home will unfortunately not be a safe zone. Good luck with everything!
Yes I think she got blinded by love. I am in no place or mood to judge her. I will probably move out and see if my friendship to her can remain. I don’t plan to see Jake anymore.
Hope this ends up in your favor and you get rid of that jerk, as for your "friend" I won't be surprised if she ends up either telling worst lies about the situation or running back to you when her bf ruins her. Also UpdatedMe!
wow I didn’t even think about that yet but yes, that might happen. I’m not sure if and what will happen it feels all so far away into the future