'AITA for refusing to raise husband's secret child?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to raise husband's secret child?"
I (f 32 ) met my husband in an arranged marriage setup (at 21, he was 27 and in post graduate school for a medical degree), during my mbbs [Bachelor of Medicine, Bachelor of Surgery] days. We liked each other and got married after year of courtship. But after marriage I found out that he was so controlling etc.
From clothes to my male friends, everything became an issue for him. I had to fight for to wear what I wanted (he liked me as modern girl, but after marriage he wanted me to wear traditional clothes). I had my son at 25, and with help of my parents and in laws I was able to complete my mbbs and later my residency.
We have had our ups and downs, as he was controlling and I had to fight lot for myself. We had separated finances, but joint investments . He gifted his sister lots of gold without even asking. But I stayed shut because I loved my mother-in-law and father-in-law.
Now I have recently found out my husband had son with a woman 12 years back in India, and having a child before marriage is a sin. It's seen as a black mark, especially for women, even today. But the women here wasn't liked by my in-laws and they gave her huge amount of money and one rental property to stay out of their lives. Which she obliged. That's why they rushed his marriage with me.
Now she is dying of cancer . She visited our home and it was huge mess. Her son fully looks like my husband. And my husband admitted as he had no other option. He hasn't met that kid in years.
Now I am asking for a divorce. I am going to get half of our joint assets. I earn well enough to keep my son happy and successful (I have my own clinic and pharmacy shop on my parents property). So I am financially set.
Now my in laws have taken that other kid as mother is very sick and is in hospital. I am currently at my parents' house.
They are asking me to raise the kid and forgive my husband. All throughout life. I have handled his anger issue. Slaps (not regular but sometimes during argument, though I slapped back too). He didn't cheat post marriage. But I wasn't informed earlier about the kid. I will never stop my son's access to his father or paternal grandparents.
But I don't want any relation with that kid of his. I don't care if he is innocent or not. I don't want to be resentful step mother of some child. I also always wanted one kid. My parents haven't pressurized me but they say give this marriage a chance and just be cordial to kid if possible. But I shut it down. They don't know about slaps (happened six seven times in total).
My husband has been served divorced papers. My in-laws and relatives all are asking to think about young child and give that kid motherly love. Which I don't want to. I will never stop my son from having good relation with that kid.
But he won't be welcome in my home, my life. I have been called b&^%, witch etc. for not forgiving my husband and not thinking about the child. My only concern is my son and I want him to grow happy etc. I have also decided not to go for dating or other match for next three, four years. So I can give my child proper care. AITA for refusing to raise husband's secret child?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Info, who is asking you to raise your husbands child? His family or yours? PS, YOU ARE NOT THE AH
OP responded:
Both..my close cousins are saying how can I be so cruel and that kid wasn't result of cheating. But thing is I would've never married a man with child. I was never given the option.
NTA You should have been given his full history. Otherwise it is fraud. I wonder if the families would feel the same if you had a hidden child and the child's father died and you needed to take care of it.
OP responded:
Lol In India, if I was a non married single mother. I would've never been considered as marriage prospect at all. This is unspoken rule. You can go n have fun secretly. But don't get pregnant. So nope.
NTA. You were deceived into marrying a man with a child, a man who was also a controlling AH. I don’t fault you for using the kid as an excuse/reason to escape being married to a man who hits you.
OP responded:
Thanks. I feel so used. Like my whole marriage foundation was built on a lie. I felt like his keep or what after the news came out. It was shattering for me.
Can you be honest with your folks about the a^%%$? If you think they would support your stance i would tell them. If it’s going to further fuel the flames i understand why you haven’t. NTA.
OP responded:
Thing is they are already supporting me. That's why I never cared to tell and that a&^%$ happened in first five years of marriage. After that I warned him to get him jailed. He didn't. So I never bothered. I might tell but they are already stressed about divorce. And I want it to be smooth process.
NTA. Your ILs want you to raise his kid because then they don't have to do the work to raise him. But your ILd and your husband lied to you by not telling you about this kid. You wouldn't have married him if you knew he had a child. Let your ILs and husband deal with the mess they created. Go live an amazing life without him.
OP responded:
I am going to. I am strong willed woman. Although I know he is going to be in life till my son becomes legal. But I won't let him run my life. I will date too and get married again in future. My life doesn't stop because of such a man.
No more arranged marriages! Choose for yourself and choose carefully!
OP responded:
Frankly it wasn't typical arrange marriage. We had courtship and then engagement. It was arrange turned love before we wed. Now ofc i will only marry whom I wish. No compromises at all. But i can't marry some greedy person. My son's well being comes first and I have to factor all those. So I will take my time.
Tell them you plan to raise your son to be a better man than his father, and that your ex should be focused on doing the same with his firstborn. NTA
OP responded:
I have been trying to raise my son respecting women. In country where sons are not expected to do basic chores. I have taught him doing little chores. Because as an adult I want him to treat his future partner as human not servant.
Exactly. Your ex has nothing to contribute toward raising a respectful capable child, abandoned his firstborn for several years until there was literally no choice but to acknowledge him. Your son deserves better, society deserves better.
And for anyone claiming there’s no point teaching your son chores, ask what kind of filth they expect their children to live in should they study abroad. That you’d be ashamed to have neglected raising your child to the point he’s incapable of feeding and clothing himself without help.
OP responded:
I have taught him washing his plate cup. Laundry I still think he is small and that i want to teach him when he is around 10. I have planned every step including cooking in his teens. I feel he is still too young to do laundry.
All right, you go Girl‼️‼️This is a term of excitement in the US for someone who is moving forward to bigger and better things.
8 days later OP came back with this update:
We have a settlement without big issues. I am getting two million usd in settlement...and we won't drag this case. I will invest most in my son's name. Because if tomorrow i remarry. I don't want anyone to access to my son's inheritance, in case something happens to me
He will also pay for son's private schooling as well as college. I will be primary custodian. But he and in laws will have access to son. And we don't live far ( 5 kms ). So I won't stop from my son visiting them with supervision under his nanny frm my side till he growsup old enough and his new sibling.
Although he keeps missing dad and why are we not together? I have told him it's that mom and dad have different work reasons. That's why.
I also made clear to my ex and in laws that if my son got brainwashed or something. I will drag them to court. Also to never force his new kid on me during meets etc. I won't stop my son to meet his half brother But I won't want that kid in my house or in my life. This is update for now. We don't want to drag case as it takes years. And it will be hit on his reputation
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
He lied to you by omission. Go and live your life the best you can,unfortunatelly there are other women out there who couldn't have the chance to get divorce. So you are a "lucky" one. Stay strong and Best of wishes to you and your son.
OP responded:
I am frankly in position to divorce especially considering in my culture. Divorce is looked down upon across classes. Poor woman have it tough.
The only thing I’d say is to look into therapy for a way to explain in an age appropriate way to your son that your husband lied to you and wasn’t a good husband. Your son needs to know what not to do as he grows up, that there are consequences for lying and controlling behaviour because people will not (and should not) tolerate it.
OP responded:
I will tell him truth when he would be able to understand these basic things.. Therapy I will definitely book soon.
Hi Op... thanks for a good update. Wishing you happy Diwali holiday.
OP responded:
Thanku so much ❤️❤️
Congratulations op, you and your child will be fine, you are a good mother who thinks of her child first (investing most of the money in his name). You deserve better than your ex, hold your chin up! You didn't lose him, he lost you.
OP responded:
Thank you. God has given me enough for my life. And in a profession with great job security ( own my clinic ). And I don't need that man's money. But my son has every right to it.
You can now go back to the woman that you were before you got married. Which includes choosing what you want to wear. Anytime someone has to change their looks for a spouse or partner it is a%$^&.
OP responded:
I recently got in a bikni for first time in pool and uploaded it on insta. Everyone's face 🤣
After experiencing something like this I would recommend you take a year to yourself. Reconnect with yourself and really get to know who you are/what you want before you consider dating or a new relationship.
OP responded:
I am not going into dating till 2027. I want to heal myself and travel with my kid. Europe trip next year. I will definitely marry again but not till my son is in teens.