'WIBTA for refusing to raise my husband's affair children?' UPDATED 5X
"WIBTA for refusing to raise my husband's affair children?"
My (45F) husband (49M) of 23 years has been having an affair with a twenty-year old girl since 2020. I found out this year when his affair partner gave birth to twin boys in March. Obviously we were going to divorce.
We've been hashing things out since. It's been a lengthy process due some properties in common and we needed to get an accountant since he used the shared account for his affair. Finally things seemed to be getting close to the end when both my husband and the woman he cheated with were killed in a car crash.
By some miracle the twin babies were not harmed in the crash. Now they are orphaned and neither set of grandparents can take them in permanently. My husband's parents are both in assisted living, he has no siblings and the only aunt that could take them refuses.
She's been childfree her whole life. On the woman's side, I'm not sure the details in full, but her parents are also not able to be involved long term and the one sister she has lives overseas.
Since we were still married and he had not updated his will, all his assets are set to pass to me and our two children. I'm not callous enough to leave those babies with nothing, so I agreed to let whoever is their legal guardian to have the remaining balance in the shared account. About twenty-five thousands in savings.
The issue is no one wants to take them in. Now my in-laws are pressuring me to take them in and raise them. The issue is, I don't want to. At all. I wouldn't love them and I don't want to be the evil stepmother. But I know a big part of me will always have a level of resentment towards them. I will probably favor my own children.
It's not their fault, but I truly loved my husband and I thought we were happy before I found out about the affair. We have two daughters (14 and 16). Obviously we had disagreements, but never insulted each others before. Then I found out about the affair and he began calling me names and blaming me for his cheating.
He became a%@$#e and even tried to kick me of the house, my childhood home that is not shared property for the record. I'm also raising teenagers alone now. I don't have the energy to raise babies anymore.
My daughters hate their baby brothers. I tried to get them to spend time with their dad as we were divorcing, but they refused. Since this all was found out because of the babies, there wasn't really a way to sugar coat the situation. And they are also too old to really get away with it.
Most of my friends agree its not my place to care for those children, but my in-laws, the affair woman's parents and my mother want me to raise them. I know my mom is just having grandkids' fever, but it hurts to not have her support.
I have to make a decision by next week or the boys will be going into foster care. At the moment they are temporarily placed with their maternal grandparents. I feel horrible, but I am very sure I can't take them in. WIBTA if I refused to take them in?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Does everyone forget that you're a single mom with two kids and they want to add you two more, and toddlers at that? Tell them to kick rocks.
NTA. Was there a paternity test done on the twins?
I don't know for sure, since I didn't really care about the kids. I just wanted the divorce. I know my husband claimed them.
Can you keep them until an adoption goes through so they don't have to go into foster care? (Social worker here, there will be more trauma and possible attachment issues by going into foster care).
Monetarily, I can. Time wise, not really. I would either have to find a sitter or have my daughters babysit them. And the girls will probably be a bad idea. They are very resentful at the moment. I have them in therapy, but I don't think they are ready for it.
NTA, but 1) you need to not hate your daughters’ siblings for what your husband did, and 2) you need to get your daughters to not hate their siblings for what their father did. Nothing wrong with not wanting to raise kids, but the hating them for adults’ choices is.
I don't hate them, but I don't, nor I think I could, love them. My daughters are hurt right now. They are going to therapy to get through their emotions. I can't force them to love those babies. Maybe one day they won't resent them, but its still fresh.
Former foster parent here-- Twin infants whose parents are dead and without family who can take them (ie: no languishing for years in impermancy hoping that guardians can get it together, or worse, being returned home and then removed again over and over and over), who were born to a mom who presumably got prenatal care and didn't do d&^%s, who weren't ab%$ed or neglected?
There would be a line a mile long of families who would desperately love to adopt these babies, who would love them and see them as the fulfillment of their wildest dreams. Yes, adoption comes with trauma, but this is one of the most "ideal" (if you can ever use that word in cases where children lose their parents) adoptive situations, with the greatest chance of happiness for those children.
The next morning OP came back with this update:
Hey everyone, this blew up far more than I thought, and I appreciate the well wishes for my girls, the boys and myself. Also for the amount of lovely people offering to see about giving the twins a good home. I might not be their mother, but it does touch me and makes me glad there's good people out there.
After thinking carefully and speaking to my lawyer, reading responses, doing research, etc. I plan to speak to the grandparents tomorrow and refuse to take legal guardianship of the boys. I will let them know of the usernames of people that offered meeting for private adoptions or fostering, but my daughters are my priority.
It'll be up to the twins' grandparents to decide if they'll proceed with adoption, keep them, or turn them to the state. I wish I had the mental capacity to be the person to do this, but I have two girls that are going through a lot and they need my full attention.
I'll also be talking to the lawyers to figure out if the boys have any inheritance claim properly. If they do, I'll separate it and leave it to the lawyers to do what they need to do for them to have access when its best. If they don't, I'll find a way to ensure they have access to the 25k I was going to give them since the beginning. I won't do more, however.
My moral compass might be biased, but I don't believe I'm obligated neither morally nor legally to do more than what the word of law says. I can't help everyone and I shouldn't have to. I have two girls that lost their father, two girls that need therapy, two girls just about to get to college. They've gone through enough without seeing their mother favor the children of their father's mistress.
Here's a Q&A with OP from after the update:
Someone mentioned performing a DNA test on the twins to make sure they are your husband's children. I strongly recommend you do so before giving any money for their benefit. I also hope you explain to your daughters that the twins are not responsible for their parents' choices.
I think it is important for your girls to know those little boys are innocent. The boys may seek their sisters out someday, and I hope the girls have empathy for the twins rather than resentment.
ScaredyCat1122 OP responded:
It's something that its been worked on with their therapist. I can't force them to change their minds, only try to give them advise. I know my daughters, and I know they are just angry and lashing. As for DNA test, I'm leaving that to the paternal grandparents. I don't lose quality of life either way. They do look like my husband, so I'm pretty sure they are his.
Yeah but I imagine your husband would have wanted to leave more of the assets you accumulated together over the years to the twins, hate him or not.
ScaredyCat1122 OP responded:
That's not my problem. I'll do what the law says. Cruel as it might sound, what my husband wanted is irrelevant at this point. He betrayed my family and I'm not going to go beyond what I must do to benefit what he did. The boys are innocent, but so are my daughters and so am I.
The twins deserve a will from their father, just as you deserved a loyal husband.
ScaredyCat1122 OP responded:
I'm following the instruction strictly as the lawyers, my divorce lawyer and the lawyer in charge of the will give. I won't do anything beyond the word of law as I'm advice by counsel. Also irrelevant if I deserved a loyal husband. My daughters deserved a better father. The twins will get only what the law dictates.
Then OP came back with these updates:
Hey everyone. So as I said two nights ago, I went yesterday to speak to the twin's grandparents. I explained my position and refused to take guardianship of the boys. My mother-in-law almost slapped me when I said that, but thankfully this was all done in a public place and my father-in-law stopped her.
The maternal grandparents kept pleading for me to raise them since they didn't want to lose them. I kept saying no, and when they called me selfish, I lost it.
I told them to their face the only selfish people in this mess were them and their son and daughter. Their son, my husband, for cheating and then making the divorce hell on me and my girls.
Their daughter because she was a w#*re (I used another word) that went after a married man twice her age. I told them if I heard from them again, I would request a cease and desist. I also informed my parents-in-law that they won't have access to my daughters for the foreseeable future. I'll explain why in a bit.
We were at a restaurant, but I didn't stay for the meal. I also sent an email to my lawyer so he can ensure CPS and any agency involved in the welfare of the twins is aware I'm not going to be their guardian or be involved.
Then I sent an email to my in-laws with all the usernames and websites from people here that have offered to do interviews for the twins adoption. I won't be involved beyond this point, so please as lovely as it is, I can't help you if you are interest in the boys. Yesterday was the end of my involvement.
As for why my in-laws won't see my girls, I spoke to my daughters and decided to find out more about their thoughts before I went to meet the grandparents. My youngest refused to speak to me, which I found very out of place for her. My eldest then ask for just the two of us to speak.
That's when she explained that my in-laws had been going on about how the girls need to get ready to go to public school instead of their private school and to get jobs right out of high school since I will have to provide the twins with private schooling and college money.
Apparently they also were told to start moving their stuff to share a room, my girls have separate rooms, since the twins need more space.
This was not known to me. Mostly cause that would never happen. Apparently my in-laws have been basically bullying the girls because 'the babies take priority'. Yeah, that's not happening.
I told the girls that their grandparents have no say in where they go to school, their college funds, or how the rooms are set in our house. Also that I do agree they could use a part-time job during college and maybe a scholarship, but their tuition will be paid. I told them not to blame the babies for the stupidity of the adults.
They told me they understand, but they still don't want to interact with their brothers for now. That 'for now' part gives me hope they'll get through things.
For now we're going to do some changes in the house. The girls and I both don't like there's still an office space that my husband used. We're going to make it into a gaming room for all of us. I plan to take down some pictures that have my husband in them and put them in albums for the girls. We just want to make the house more ours.
As for people wondering why my girls wanted nothing to do with their father: My daughters were the ones that discovered the affair and told me when my husband took them to meet the twins at the hospital. He had asked them to keep it secret, but my girls told me. After that, my husband began treating them horribly too. He burnt all bridges with the girls.
"Very tiny update since there's some people who keep harrassing me in PMs:"
I spoke to a lawyer on Monday. The boys have no inheritance claim until a DNA test is done. After that, their only claim is against my in-laws. The shared account is not considered my husband's individual property, so its mine. Same with the lake house.
Since he had a PERSONAL savings account and a life insurance, which went to his parents, that will be the only thing the boys could claim. Obviously this can be changed if it goes to trial, but the lawyer told me with how little my husband left my girls and I, there's very little chance a judge will demand our assets.
The lawyer also recommended me to completely end the idea of sharing any money with the boys. That could be used against me to claim I'm taking fiscal responsibility for them and should be considered to be their guardian. I'm dividing the money from the shared account for my daughter's college tuitions.
I'm still unsure if I'll sell the lake house or not, but neither the girls nor I are attached to it. Now, please leave me alone about the boys' inheritance. Sad as it is, my husband messed everything up for his children. I'm not responsible for them nor do I have to sacrifice my assets to set them up for a better life.
"Another update:"
There's some good news and some annoying news. The good news is the boys were safely retrieved by CPS from their maternal grandparents and will be placed in foster care until a permanent arrangement is made.
I found out when it happened since their grandparents, and my mother, came to scream at me at work. In all honesty, I'm glad this happened at work and not at home. It's made me consider moving, since I don't want my daughters exposed to any of this.
An annoyance I had very soon after was getting a called about my 'inquiries into fostering and adopting'. Apparently my information was sent to CPS as someone interested in fostering the twins and eventually adopting.
I immediately explained the situation between the grandparents and me, and the operator was speechless at first. She apologized for the situation and told me she would make sure I wasn't bothered about the process.
I also got served this morning. My in-laws are suing for grandparents' rights. They are also suing for custody. Apparently they are planning to leave their assisted living, which they really shouldn't, to buy a house that allows kids to get the twins back and now also want custody of my daughters.
My personal lawyer immediately gave me some instructions I won't share to safeguard myself and my daughters from some risks during a possible custody battle.
My lawyer and I both suspect my in-laws want the girls to parentified them as caretakers for the twins since my in-laws have mobility limitations. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens. I don't see CPS placing the boys with them to begin with.
Not all is bad news. I'm starting therapy next week and my eldest daughter is once again speaking about the colleges she wants to go to. We still haven't really talk about their father or have them agree to visit his grave, I myself haven't gone there and I'm trying really hard to get used to not calling him 'my husband' anymore.
I had nothing to do with the funeral plans aside paying bills and from what I heard his parents had the epitaph: "Devouted and beloved husband, father, and son" written on it. I find it a joke.
I know its bad to hold to so much anger and resent, but as soon as I have time, I plan to change his tombstone to remove 'husband and father'. It might sound petty, but I refuse to speak well of a cheater just because he's dead. My daugters deserved better, and so did I.
And for anyone complaining about me changing the tombstone, I paid for everything at the end. So, stick your complains you know where.
I don't think I'll post another update until the whole mess with the grandparents' right lawsuit is resolved. So to the kind people that have send support to me and my daughters, thank you so much. Maybe I'll have good news in the future, but for now I'm going back to my old account.
Small disclaimer: To the person that PM that I will regret not adopting the twins, I don't regret it one bit. Please either post a public message or leave me alone. I don't deal with cowards that use PMs to avoid being judged.
2 months later OP came back with a new post with these updates:
Hey everyone, some people have been asking me for updates, and to be sincere, I had nothing until today.
To start things, cousins from my ex-husband's side of the family took the boys in. I know them, they are lovely and I know they'll give the twins a great life. The new parents (calling them Matt and Kim) talked to my daughters and let them know if they ever want to reach out to their half-brothers, they just have to call.
Otherwise, they can just see them as distant cousins. My girls thanked them, but insisted they don't really want a sibling relationship at this time, but that maybe as cousins it will be okay.
I did offer them the money from the shared account since they are family and they said not to worry since they don't need it. Kim even insisted I used that money for a vacation for my girls and I. Apparently I look like the living dead.
They also set very strict lines with my in-laws and the parents of my ex's affair partner. They can see the boys, but they won't be seen as grandparents. This apparently caused a big fight with the AP's parents. Matt and Kim then cut them off.
Again, threats of 'suing for grandparent's rights' were thrown around, but it went nowhere. That's how I found out why the AP's parents couldn't take the boys permanently. The father is a convicted felon. I won't share the details out of respect, but if what Matt and Kim told me is true, I am glad the boys won't grow up with that man as an example.
The only reason his wife had temp guardianship was because of the sudden death of the parents and the process to find a relative to raise the boys. She would have had to live away from her husband to allow permanent custody, and she wasn't willing to do so.
My ex-inlaws did figure threats were not going to work, so they agree to be 'great-uncles' instead. Good for them, I guess. They now want me to let them live with me and the girls since they left assisted living recently and now the place they were in doesn't have opening.
This place has a long waitlist and the only reason they got in originally was because my ex and I offered to pay 5 years in full. They still had 2 full years paid left and I was going to pay for them. After everything they put my daughters and me through, I rather burn money in a grill than spend it on them.
I know they want my girls and I to be their caretakers. I won't even consider it. My daughters have their of paths to follow and in all honesty, I want to consider meeting someone new. I know it sounds like I'm moving on too quick, but I've been working to move on since I found out about the affair.
I don't think my ex deserves me to go through a 'mourning period'. I already mourned our relationship. At least that's what my eldest daughter said, funny enough. She's been encouraging me to go out and meet someone.
We still have that custody lawsuit from my ex-inlaws going and a few other issues that I will update when I have more, but I wanted to at least let everyone know the boys are safe and together.
"Update:"
So, we had mediation this week for the grandparents' right lawsuit. This is just to avoid taking space on a judge's already heavily stressed docket, though I knew it would go nowhere. My ex-inlaws demands were for the girls to either be in their custody or spend weekdays with them and weekends with me. Even the court appointed mediator told them they were not being realistic with their expectations.
My lawyer and I only had one offer and were not willing to negotiate: they will see my daughters only if they want and when they want. Mediator also thought we were being unfair. That's when a detail came out. My ex-inlaws had claimed my daughters are 6 and 4 (a whole decade younger than they really are) to the mediator.
I provided him wiht birth certificates, as well as show him a picture of the girls. Mediator shook his head and said he couldn't help in this case. My daughters are too old for grandparents' rights to even be considered. He will send a recommendation for the grandparents' right lawsuit to be dropped, but the custody one will still be going since neither my ex-inlaws nor I agree on custody.
I refuse to give them any single bit of legal control of my daughters. They are now also demanding I make them their legal guardian if I happened to pass away. Nope.
On some strange news, I met the sister of my ex's affair partner. She brought some items to my house that she knew had to be stolen from me. These are things that were supposed to be in storage. My wedding dress, an old jewelry box that had a picture of my grandparents, some of my coats that are a bit pricey, shoes, and what creeped me out the most copies of my personal documents (passport, IDs, etc).
The sister told me she was cleaning up their place when she found my property and used the address shown in them. She was rather nice and apologized for her parents and sister. I did ask her why she refused to take the twins, and she told me that she did because she was tired of being the emergency plan for her family. She didn't say more and I didn't think it was right to ask her.
She knew they were my items because apparently the affair partner had bragged about my ex-husband giving her these items, except for the documents. She has no idea what's going on with that, but she didn't want anything to do with identity theft. She did bring some things that weren't mine and I let her know, so I only kept my property.
I told my lawyer about the IDs issue and he helped me get my credit frozen. I'll be getting new IDs and passports. We did report the possible identity theft to the police so we had the report in case my personal information was used for something illegal or to put me in any trouble.
I didn't know one could make a report on a dead person, but apparently this happens more often than I imagined. And no, this won't turn into a posthumously conviction. It's just paperwork to protect myself. And a last funny note, I am planning to burn that wedding dress and make smores over the fire. Petty? Yep.