"AITA because I refuse to try for a daughter?"
My wife and I have been having a hard time. She is a teacher, and her job is stressful. Every day she talks about how much she dislikes her students and their parents. In many ways, this has bled into our home life.
She often will get frustrated with our son and say "you're acting like so and so" or "so and so in my class does the same thing." This is confusing for him, because he doesn't know who those people are.
Our son is starting kindergarten in the fall. My wife wants to have a second baby. She says she is sick of being a "boy mom" and wants a daughter. I do not think we are ready to have a second baby.
For one thing, we have had several conflicts with our parents about childcare. Both have said they will help us, but her parents are flaky, and my parents are judgmental. For a second thing, we are not doing well financially at the moment. Expenses have gone up, and that is stressful. For a third thing, my wife wants to have a girl, and I'm scared of how she will react if that doesn't happen.
My wife said I'm being selfish because I got a boy and now think we're done. She said if we had a girl I would want to try again. That's not true. I don't care. I just think now is a bad time for a second child, period. Work is stressful, and home is stressful too. Am I an AH?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
What would happen if you had another boy would you just keep trying for that girl. NTA. God I don't think I've even seen the comment blew up like this. I did not think this type of story was so common.
StructureDizzy2076 (OP)
I have tried to say this. She is confident our second baby would be a girl.
My boss has 6 kids only 1 of them is a girl, the last 3 have all been attempts to get a second girl.
NTA. She's clearly not stable enough to have another baby right now. she needs to focus on the child she already has and get a therapist. And maybe even finding another job, because life is really hard for teachers these days.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
I'm going to keep it short and sweet. She was already pregnant. That's why she was so upset. I told her I don't want to have another baby right now, that we aren't in the right place for it, and she told me she was already pregnant. So that's that.
I asked her if she knows how this happened. She said it doesn't matter, and I said I wouldn't be mad, that I just want us to be honest with each other. She said she stopped taking her birth control because it was making her feel crazy, and she didn't tell me because she didn't want to make a thing about it. It's definitely not a thing now.
She'll be able to finish this semester and start the next one, but then she'll go on maternity leave. This is obviously going to be tough for us financially. I am worried about our son more than anything. I told her we need to make a plan to make sure he doesn't get sidelined by the baby. She rolled her eyes at me.
She told me that he is "fine" because he's a "big boy" now. He has his friends at kindergarten, and he needs to focus on those peer relationships. I told her that I am serious about this, and it turned into a fight. I said if she can't be a mother to our son, I will take him to my parents and stay there with him until she can.
She said I was being dramatic and that everything will be fine and he will love his sister (we don't know the gender yet, but she "knows"). I guess that wasn't that short. Or that sweet. Oh well.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It is most definitely a thing that she stopped taking her birth control and didn’t tell you. Read that back. She stopped on PURPOSE and didn’t tell you on PURPOSE. What part of that is ok? She chose to get pregnant without your input and now you’re stuck with a woman who is going to hate this child if it’s a boy.
And who already hates your son because he’s a boy. You made your own choices so it’s your son I feel bad for. (**edit for context: OP chose to stay with this woman after being deceived into conceiving a child he said he wasn’t ready for.
Her behavior is deplorable and it is absolutely assault. What I meant though is that he chose to stay. )And this baby if it is a boy. Your wife is gender obsessed and your son will figure out really soon if he hasn’t already that his mom doesn’t love him. I’ll wish you luck and suggest therapy for your son. He’s going to need it.
I think we all KNOW this kid already knows where he stands with 'mom'.......Poor kid. I despise people like OP's wife, seriously, if you didn't ACTUALLY want kids, why on earth did you have them??
Oh this is going to be messy. She's already treating your son horribly based on the last post and if this baby isn't a girl she will have a meltdown. You need to document everything she says and does to your son starting yesterday. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP.
If you don't want anymore children....you are going to need to get a vasectomy. I truly think your marriage is over. If you tricked her into getting pregnant by slipping off the condom OH THE RAGE THAT WOULD COME DOWN ON YOU. This is not actually any different. This person has wronged you and forced you to become a parent by trickery. Good luck.
My guy - I don’t say this lightly. You and your son need to get out of there. With 50/50 custody he at least ha a chance to be in a sane household half the time. I don’t know what your wife is or has. That is for a therapist to decide but she does not sound healthy or mature enough to be a mom or a teacher.
I know you want to make this work but your son and your unborn child need you. Pls seek help. I can’t imagine your wife being open to counseling so you need to really think hard if you want your son in your household right now. I wish you all the best.