'I refused to keep loaning a roommate money for dress clothes for a funeral.' AITA? MINI UPDATE
"AITA I refused to keep loaning a roommate money for dress clothes for a funeral?"
I’m 38 year old physically disabled male currently living in a group home until I can regain my mobility and independence. Over the past year of so I’ve developed a friendship with another resident who isn’t great at managing their money. I’m the type of guy who likes helping people and people go to seeking advice or at least support.
Over that time I loaned him about $600. He’d make some payments but often ask for that amount back within a week. I eventually put my foot down and stopped loaning him money.
Then one of his three daughters was killed, then the second died from an illness. I gave him more money in loans and gifts to help him with these extraordinary times. I probably loaned him about $150 and gave him $100 for travel to see his family and help with a headstone and flowers.
A week ago his last remaining daughter’s son died and I gave him another $110 loan for travel and funeral expenses but he still wants more. I’m on fixed income right now and will probably be for at least the next year and a half.
I’ve basically written this money off in my mind but I feel I can’t just keep throwing money to him. Right now he wants money for dress clothes or says he won’t go to his grandson's services. It’s tearing his daughter up and it feels like the emotional blackmail he’s used against me before when he keeps telling me a true friend would help.
My family say I’m in the right cutting him off but it hurts my heart. I just need people unconnected to the situation to give me their opinion. Thank you all for reading this and your thoughts.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your kind words and the reality checks on if these deaths are real. It’s funny how those happened after he couldn’t manipulate me in other ways. He is cut off. I do have records of what he owes me but I’ll never get it back.
I’ll just have to think of it as good karma and a lesson but try not to let it harden my heart just make me smarter in who I believe. I still want to be the loving caring guy I am just not so trusting. It’s something I’ve done many times before and helped a lot of people but been burned a lot too.
I get told much of what you all told me by friends and family but I need it from people who don’t know me for me to believe it’s true and not just something they have to say. Thank you all again.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Low-Force7083 said:
NTA - What did he wear to the other funerals? This is definitely manipulation - "or says he won’t go to his grandsons services" - that is not your responsibility. If he wants to go to honor his grandson, the clothes certainly are not the most important part.
You have already given money towards his ability to attend. If he chooses not to go because of clothing, and not because he is unable to go, that is a choice he is making. That should not be on your conscience.
No_Philosopher_1870 said:
NTA. Tell them that as a matter of personal policy, you won't consider lending more money until all of the previous loans are paid back. It's telling that his family won't pay his travel expenses. If I'm reading it correctly, he still has a surviving daughter. There's no need for a new outfit for every funeral. Ask to see the obituary.
Accept that you are not his true friend to shut down his guilt-tripping. Tell him, "You're right, I am not your true friend." I don't say that to be mean to you, but you are just two people in the same group home due to unfortunate circumstances.
You could turn it around on him and say that true friends don't burden their friends with every problem that they have, expecting them to pay the cost of solving the problem, but find independent solutions and pay their own way.
Every cent that you lose to his problems delays your move-out date. You need your money for deposits on an apartment, not his funeral attendance. Is there a case worker to whom you can speak to about this?
worstatit said:
NTA. You're being taken advantage of. Not another dime unless it's a gift you're willing to make (without being asked), and can afford. His daughter can accept him at the funeral as is, or buy him clothes herself.
Cheerymee said:
He is showing you who he is. He won't go to his own grandson's funeral because of clothes! It's not a fashion parade. I would never speak to this man again. What a truly awful thing to say. He is manipulating you.
OkeyDokey654 said:
NTA. None of this is your problem. Why can’t his family help?
RealLuxTempo said:
NTA You’ve been exceptionally generous. Tell him to go to a thrift store.
annonymous2day said:
NTA. Tell him that if he can't make it, you'd the $110 back since it was to travel to the funeral.