'WIBTA if I refused to contribute financially to a baby shower I was forced to 'host?''
"WIBTA if I refused to contribute financially to a party I was forced to 'host?'"
I worked with a woman (Jenna) for a number of years and consider her a friend. We have both left the company but stay in touch in a "complain about our job" group chat along with another friend (Katy).
Jenna recently became pregnant after suffering multiple miscarriages and failed rounds of IVF. Having been there through all of this, Katy and I are obviously stoked for her.
Months ago, Jenna asked for our addresses to invite us to her baby shower. Katy mentioned that she'd love to help if they needed anything. I did not make that offer but said I looked forward to going.
A short time later, Katy and I got invited to a group chat with dozens of others in it (the majority are unknown numbers), in which they are planning Jenna's baby shower. I was confused, and I remember texting Katy at the time and saying that I just wanted to go, and I had no intention of hosting.
Because I'm an awkward person, I decided to not say anything in hopes that it would be obvious I didn't want to participate. People started volunteering to purchase or provide things. The guest list included 150 people. Providing food or decorations for a party of that size was just not something I was able to help with, so I remained quiet.
At this point, the lady who organized the "hostess" group chat (Marcia) texts Katy and I separately asking if we can bring any last minute items the day of the shower since we didn't sign up for anything. I replied that I would try if I'm able.
Over time, frequent updates to the hostess chat became overwhelming. Marcia informed us at one point that she would add up everything and let us know how much we all owed. Apparently part of hosting included paying a portion of the total cost of the party? I was sort of flabbergasted by this. Regardless, I expected the shared cost to be small so I still didn't say anything.
Katy and I both muted the group in the last few weeks because it was just getting to be too much. Tonight, Marcia texted Katy, me, and 13 others in yet another group chat, letting us know how much we owe.
Between the hostess gift (not even sure what it was, but apparently it was $465), stamps, labels, invitations, specialty cookies, paper products, and flowers; the total was almost $1300 split between 25 "hostesses." She advised everyone to bring $50 cash to the party to pay her back. I am shocked. Katy and I already split the cost of a gift that I really think Jenna will appreciate and use.
Marcia also texted me about a week ago asking me to help at the party by writing down the names of people and the gift they bring. I was happy to help with that. Now though, I almost feel too awkward to go.
I now realize I should have said I didn't want to help from the beginning, but I honestly didn't know that it would be THIS involved. I honestly doubt Jenna would expect this much from us (she isn't included in any of the shower-related group chats). AITA if I decline to pay the $50 and just go to the party to support my friend?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
AJSCRPT said:
ESH. She sucks for assuming that everyone was cool with contributing but you desperately need to learn how to communicate and stand up for yourself. You had weeks to private message her and be like “we’re actually doing our own thing gift wise so we won’t be contributing” it was that simple.
Idk where you are but in some places it is typical for the people who throw the baby shower to pay for it. It’s a gesture to get the expected mother gifts to start them off on a good position. Like how wedding gifts used to be to start new couples off on their life together. It’s gotten out of hand for sure but that from my understanding is the point of a baby shower which is what this sounds like.
OP responded:
We planned and paid for our own baby shower so I was definitely not expecting this. You're absolutely right though, I should have said something much sooner. I'm thinking about texting Marcia privately but am still not sure what to say.
Kebar8 said:
Esh. Maria was under the assumption that you were happy and agreeable for everything because you never gave any indication you weren't.
MaliceIW said:
You're an @$$hole for not saying anything. You should have said in the beginning that you were too busy to contribute. Now everything has been planned, organised and divided up evenly. So if you arrive at the party and say "I'm not paying you" then you're causing a scene at your friend's party. And making the main host pay double or recalculate for everyone to pay more which seems unfair aswell.
SinglePermission9373 said:
YTA for not being clear from the beginning that you were not participating as a host. After the first text you should have replied in the group to please remove you as you did not sign up to host. So yes. You need to pay the$50. Also, how did you not know that you pay for the party if you are a host?! Who did you think was paying?
OP responded:
I assumed the budget was set by Jenna. I see that there were lots of assumptions made by well meaning individuals.
kimba-the-tabby-lion said:
NTA, but you should have just quietly left the chat when you didn't want to help.
OP responded:
I thought muting/ignoring it was enough. I see now I definitely should have said "no thank you" at the beginning though.