'I refused to pay for a school trip because I give my ex-wife significant amounts of money in CMS. AITA?'
"I refused to pay for a school trip because I give my ex-wife significant amounts of money in CMS. AITA?"
Debt_Otherwise
We heard that my daughter is going on a trip to Paris and Belgium next year. The school have asked for £800 which is to be paid over a period of 9-10 months at roughly £100pm.
For context, I pay my ex-wife £700pm (within a few £s) each month in Child Maintenance Payments. For context my fiancee and I are having a new baby in November and maternity is a small fortune.
I will be taking a cut in pay for shared paternity leave as well. My payments won’t reduce despite income reducing. For context also, she took me to court for custody and she went to Child Maintenance. We could have had a private arrangement. I’d have preferred it.
I received a text from my ex-wife asking for me to contribute £400 towards the trip to which I refused. I no longer pay for extras unless it’s an emergency. I already contribute enough and my daughter is well looked after when she comes to ours.
Trips, clothes, holidays etc on top of maintenance. I also only have my daughter 80 days a year. My ex-wife deals with everything school wise and lives quite a way away (again not my choice).
Now I could afford to pay the £400 but for me it’s a matter of principle now. I pay enough and I feel like I’m just an ATM machine that she can put her card in anytime she wants help.
I have more than one child to think about now and £700pm is enough to pay for everything my daughter needs (plus the other support). My ex-wife also receives child benefit of £80pm so total that’s £780pm in support. AMITA here?!
Edit: Realised I would have folks jump down my throat (without full picture) so thought I’d add a bit of context about my relationship with my daughter. (Who I adore and fought hard for).
My daughter has everything she needs. She is and always has been my first and only priority til now (I now have two priorities). I took her to and from nursery everyday (I’m not your traditional father I was more active in day to day than many).
I spent £12k legal fees fighting to keep my daughter in the same city which I only just paid back in legal fees this month. She was taken away after I was stitched up by a Cafcass adviser (long story).
I realise you don’t have this context but please ask before you judge. Also people saying £700 isn’t a lot. That is a significant amount in the UK. Maybe not in the US but it is when you still see your daughter every other weekend and 4 weeks of 6. Average child support payments in the UK are £400ish so it’s nearly double that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ahawk300
Just an FYI for people here in the states who are too lazy to look it up themselves, £700 is $937.
Temporary_Analysis55
…you pay your ex money for basic costs related to child-rearing. Just because you are about to welcome a second child, doesn’t mean that you no longer have to support your first. A school trip cannot be paid for by your ex partner, out of existing child maintenance payments. That money goes towards food, utilities, school supplies, etc.
You are demanding that your ex pay for your shared child’s entire trip. Stop making up BS excuses and just admit that you don’t want your daughter to go on the trip. At least be honest about the mess that you are making, instead of pretending to be some kind of victim.
Tamihera
You’re only going to hurt your daughter, not your ex, if you refuse to fund her school trip. Just own it.
mustang19671967
My agreement said child Payments didn’t cover extra like winter xlothing or Clothing at My house, sports was 50/50 same with other extra carricular. Yes you are being an AH , your daughter has a chance to go To these countries on school Trip and only 400 pounds.
The ex isn’t askin g to pay all If it . Sounds like your trying to be the tough guy for new wife to see . Please remember this is about your daughter . Now if your daughter doesn’t come over or see you And has blocked you etc that is different.
Lyzab77
YTA because all I read is about your new baby and your disagreement with your ex. What about your daughter? Your actual daughter? Your first child? Don't you want to please her? Your ex is not asking you to pay but to share the payment.
To let your child going to a great travel with her school. And what I read is that you refuse because you decided to have a new child and don't want to help your ex with that even if you can afford it. Wow. What else? When the baby will be there, will you have a place for your daughter or, as she's not with you more than 80 days a year, you're going to give her room to the baby?
She is still your child, whatever the problems you have with your ex. Don't be an AH to this child. She doesn't deserve it. She is between both of you, she didn't chose that place, she didn't decide to bring you to court. Please, before being an ex, be a father to her.
sekhenet
Yta. You’re paying for your child, not your wife.
Shadow_84
You have a legal agreement for support. Might want to read it to see what is said about extra costs. Many will say the monthly charge is for general care. Extra costs will need to be shared.
Tight-Background-252
YTA.
It should be 50:50 anything extra curricular (a school trip falls in that category).