'AITA for refusing to allow my boyfriend's best friend to come to dinner over a dirty coffee mug?'
"AITA for refusing to allow my boyfriend's best friend to come to dinner over a 'dirty coffee mug?'"
So, my (F23) boyfriend (M25), we can call him David, has about five guy friends. I like all of them and we’ve been on good terms for years. About once a month I tell my boyfriend to invite them over for dinner.
Usually I cook, clean the table and do the dishes. It’s a labor of love and I enjoy doing it. This tradition has been going on for years. Most of them put away their dishes in the dishwasher but I do the bulk of the work.
Now, David (BF) is closest with Mark (M25). About a month ago Mark broke up with his GF and he has been hanging out at our place almost everyday. We all work from home so he just shows up in the morning. I don’t mind this either, David asked me if it was alright.
What I mind is that Mark is a freaking slob. Multiple coffee mugs all over the house, water cups, crumbs on the counter, dirty dishes. Even his dirty socks once...I made several comments to Mark that this is not dinner night and he if he is going to be over so much, he is not going to be treated as a guest and he needs to learn to clean after himself.
He only rolled his eyes at me. I told David two weeks ago that Mark needs to learn to pick after himself. They had a talk and Mark did make an effort for a few days but we are back at square one. David saw me getting frustrated so now Mark comes over once a week and David is quick to clean up after him.
It still bugs me the wrong way so yesterday when I felt like having people over for dinner I invited everyone but Mark. David did not ask why, maybe he figured it out, idk. Mark came to pick something today and asked me why he wasn’t invited and I told him.
He was surprised and called me petty, and said that it was unfair to be singled out over a dirty mug. I told him that unless he changes I am not cooking for him. He is welcome to come over and have David wait on him but not me.
I don’t know if it is important but the house is David’s, but we live together. He got upset, called me an a-hole and left. Did I overreact? I can’t tell at this point. Edit: to add since a lot of people think I am cosplaying a trad wife, consider that:
1) I’ve known these people for 6 years, they are my friends at this point
2) my own friends have serious food allergies, so anything out of my kitchen is inedible to two of them, which makes for a crappy dinner invitation
3) I WANT to do this, no one is making me, no one is forcing me to slave in the kitchen. My cooking is a hobby, I am more than happy to share it with people. I do feel obligated to set up and clean up I am the one to invite them, so it only happens when I feel like it
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mascheld said:
Maybe that’s why his girlfriend broke up with him.
Emergency_Mango_2456 said:
OP, maybe David should have a heart to heart with Mark about why not being a slob is better for his relationships/friendships. He is so disrespectful. NTA.
Theodora1976 said:
NTA. Excuse me, he rolled his eyes at you when you asked him to clean up after himself? He would have never been invited back to my house after that. My husband wouldn’t let his friends treat me that way.
KeyAdhesiveness4882 said:
NTA. Mark is taking advantage of your hospitality and being a bad guest, but your boyfriend also needs to step up and handle his friend. It’s not reasonable that Mark is coming over every day and especially so if he’s not cleaning up after himself. Your boyfriend should be holding a firmer line with Mark and requiring him to clean up after himself or be uninvited, not just following Mark around cleaning up after him.
You should also do more to advocate for yourself and stand up to your boyfriend. Are you actually, truly okay with Mark coming over every single day? Why did you have to talk to Mark about his cleanliness?
If my friend rolled their eyes at my girlfriend when she asked them to clean up after themselves, that friend would no longer be welcome in my home until they had apologized to my girlfriend and changed their behavior permanently.
ScarletNotThatOne said
You did just right. And David is doing just right, as well: cleaning up after his own friend, not putting it on you. If Mark wants to be more responsible, you've made it clear that you'll welcome him back. You just don't want to be cleaning up his messes. NTA.
WeeTater said:
NTA, you are not the maid and talking to both your partner and him aren't getting things fixed so it's time to be petty in my opinion.