'AITA for refusing to make amends with my elderly mother after she protected her favorite son?'

"AITA for refusing to make amends with my elderly mother after she told me 'you don't have a mother' to protect her favorite son?"

Things don't get easier even when you're older. My mother used to go out of her way to protect her elder son, the favorite. A few years ago he was an AH to my wife, and I had a fight with him.

I expected the family to at least see how his harassment was unacceptable. My mother took his side as usual, and to get me to stop making her son look bad, she said "You don't have a mother, consider me d**d."

I took that to heart. I cut my family off, especially my mother. Now years later, they don't want to reconcile. They want me to go back "into the family fold" as to speak. My father explicitly said I'm not to open any topic or point any fingers. Just forget and come back.

I asked, what about my brother's unacceptable behavior towards my wife? "It was a misunderstanding". What about my mother's behavior? "She's your mother, she can say whatever she wants, you are an ungrateful son."

Thing is, entire family has gone up in arms against me. Uncles, aunts, cousins. Anybody I used to be in touch with has stopped talking to me. They're all calling me a POS for not talking to my elderly mother. (In our culture parents are supposed to be treated as gods).

I'm tired emotionally. I don't know if this is a hill to die on. They refuse to acknowledge my brother's behavior, and I was in the wrong for not handling things differently then. I'm standing by my wife, and everybody's calling me an AH. Am I?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

TarzanKitty wrote:

Well, it’s clear that you now have something they want. Did your wife have a child? Did you get a new job with a high salary?

OP responded:

Thanks for the laugh, even if it's unintended. Your question derailed my train of thoughts!
They don't know much about me. I know to some level they do care, ultimately I'm their son. It's just that I think not enough to upset their elder.

Adelucas wrote:

You've been without them in your life for a long time and have been just fine. Carry on ignoring them and forget they exist. I know culturally it's hard, but outside of your wife and children nobody matters.

Extended family are often people you'd never talk to or be friends with if you weren't related. I know mine are. I never see them and we haven't spoken in years. And I'm perfectly happy for it to remain that way. They are all a bunch of judgemental narcissists who I have nothing in common with.

OP responded:

One thing I want to do is break that cycle. My father treated us as second to his parents and siblings. I grew up with resentment. Now I am expected to do the same, and as difficult as it is, I feel that it would be the right thing to do to stick up to my wife and kids.

DaYettiMan22 wrote:

NTA. The birthing unit tore up her mom card and then pissed on it for good measure. Block everyone who supports her, full on scorched earth and move forward with your wife in the peace of knowing you NEVER have to deal with their gaslighting and abuse again. As Gandalf said to Theoden, :breathe the free air."

OP responded:

Right after she said that, I asked her and gave her the opportunity to apologize. She went no contact, because how dare I ask her to apologize to her son. That was years ago, and I hold resentment over it, because that's not how a parent is supposed to treat their son.

Ticosoon wrote:

Remember the full phrasing of the adage. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. You are an adult. You choose your family now, based on the ways people show up for you, choose to be in your life, revel in your wins, console your losses.

Genetics can be a part of that but doesn't need to be. Go back to NC and block every last one of them. They've made their choice and now it's your turn to make yours. NTA.

OP responded:

That's the first time in my life I read that adage and feel that it applies to me, or that I understand it.

I feel better after reading the comments here. Thanks man.

Flimsy-Fortune6437 wrote:

What, if anything at all, would be the upside to having these people more involved in your life?

What’s in it for you and your wife to do what they want?

OP responded:

Absolutely nothing. It's just me trying to be a decent person and a decent son.

_PaisleyPosey_ wrote:

Your family sounds like mine - brother that's a Golden Child, mother who favors him above all others, and a father who goes along with it all. I got tired of being the scapegoat and finally walked away. Oh, I've made amends twice, but everything would go right back to the same behavior, only different situations.

I walked away for good because my mental health was suffering greatly. No - you're not the AH. They are. Live your life. You deserve to be happy.

OP responded:

That is exactly my family. My father went along with everything they wanted.

Baudica wrote:

Why are they pushing you to go back into the fold? Does your mother need assistance and is her 'true son' not willing to give it? Are you financially well off, and do they expect you to pay your mother's way, at this stage of her life?

Is your mother terminally ill, and does she want you 'back', and does the rest of the family want you to play pretend, until she passes, after which everyone can go back to pretending neither side exists?

The simple answer you can give them is 'what mother? She told me I don't have one, and I should consider her dead. I believed her. And I respect her wishes.' NTA. But asking everyone that's harassing you to play pretend what the reason is, is not weird.

OP responded:

I sent her a message yesterday "Hello Mrs. Smith", and I told my father I will not be calling her "mom." I got cussed out and told to rot in hell, that I don't have a father. It depressed me, and here's this post because of that.

Traditional_Film_636 wrote:

NTA. This could be a hill to die on. Sounds like your family will always see you as second best. Well done for sticking up for yourself and your wife.