'AITA for refusing to apologize after being disrespected at a family gathering?'
"AITA for refusing to apologize after being disrespected at a family gathering?"
I [F28] went to a family gathering with my wife [F30] recently. Her family is pretty outspoken and I usually try to keep the peace even when certain comments make me uncomfortable. For context, I work with animals. I’m a dog walker and pet sitter and I also help out part time at a small local animal shelter.
It’s not a fancy job and I know that, but I like it and it pays my bills! And I’ve never really felt ashamed of it until stuff like this happens. My wife's mother always has something to say about my job. She'll ask when I’m getting a real career or joke that I just get paid to play with dogs all day. I normally laugh it off because I don’t want to start anything even though it definitely bothers me.
This time during the gathering, she said something like “must be nice to not have any real responsibilities, just hanging out with pets all day,” and then did the whole “no offense” thing while looking right at me. A few people laughed and I just felt really embarrassed and belittled in that moment.
I didn’t yell or freak out, but I did say that I didn’t appreciate my job being talked about like that, especially in front of everyone and asked her to stop making comments about it. After that the mood kinda changed and it got really quiet and awkward.
My wife was there but didn’t say anything at the time. Later, she told me I should apologize to her mom because I embarrassed her and made everyone uncomfortable. Another family member said I should’ve just ignored it like I usually do and talked to her privately later.
What I’m stuck on is that the comment about me was made publicly and it wasn’t the first time she’s done this. At the same time I’m being told that me not apologizing is making things worse and creating tension in the family and I’m starting to wonder if I overreacted or handled it badly. I honestly don’t know if I should just apologize to keep the peace or if standing up for myself was the right thing to do. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Impossible_Disk_43 wrote:
NTA. Oh so it's okay for YOU to be belittled and publicly humiliated on purpose every time you meet this wicked witch, but the moment you politely call her out on it, suddenly it's "waah, you made my mummy feel bad, you meanie!" You have a wife and a MIL issue.
OP responded:
Wicked witch made me laugh lmao. But yeah I did feel like somehow I was the problem for reacting at all.
Nebagram wrote:
'Later, she told me I should apologize to her mom because I embarrassed her and made everyone uncomfortable.'
Her mother embarrassed you and made you feel uncomfortable, but I have a sneaking feeling you're not getting an apology any time soon. NTA.
OP responded:
I think I’ll be waiting a while for that one!
SandyIam315 wrote:
If the rudeness and disrespect happen publicly, then i see no reason to discuss it later “privately." You have tried to ignore it and laugh it off that did not work. I this was your only option. Your wife should have stood up for you the first time. Based on the fact that she didn't, I would wonder if she agrees with her mom.
OP responded:
Thank you <3
Also, my wife supports my job! She’s always been vocal about loving what I do and she’s a huge dog person, we even adopted two dogs from my shelter.
DistinctiveFox wrote:
If she's prepared to make comments and statements about you in front of others, then she should expect you to respond in front of others. I get the sense they were all a little humiliated by the fact they were being so rude to you and this made them feel awkward. If a child gets scolded, they will likely sulk about it. This is no different except with adults.
NTA - However I will say how you deal with this moving forward is going to have a big impact. Don't apologize and go back to keeping quiet now that you've stood up for yourself. My advice if you want to keep the peace and stop this happening in future is ask to speak to the mother privately so you can have a one on one adult convo with her and explain yourself and lay down your terms and boundaries.
For example you can explain that you meant her no offence, however ask her to stop making those comments in front of others and come to you directly if she has a real issue with you and then you'll be happy to discuss and not need to do things like that. If she stops, you will stop. A good compromise.
Make sure she understands that how she feels about your comment is how you've felt numerous times before and not once has she ever apologized to you for those occasions. Make a peace offering to put it all behind them and ask moving forward you can both be mindful of what is said in front of others.
DazzlingAssistant342 wrote:
NTA. You two are married so I'm going to work under the assumption that your wife is broadly supportive of you. That suggests her family has a culture she's become used to of smoothing the feelings of certain members, like her mother. Behaviours like this are usually unconscious. Because she's been trained since she was a child to soothe her mother, your wife sees it as normal as blowing her nose.
I would tell her directly that you're sorry if it made her uncomfortable but that you've reached your limit of ignoring these comments, and you won't be able to ignore them or apologize to her mother for calling attention to them going forward.
Be open to suggestions that don't involve that and try to be non-accusational when you point out "It feels like the embarrassment your mother felt after being called out for being rude matters more than the embarrassment I felt because she was rude to me on purpose."
Is-this-rabbit wrote:
Your MIL attempted to humiliate you (not for the first time) and you responded in a perfectly reasonable manner. Your wife and MIL both owe you apologies.
Severe-Cow-2816 wrote:
NTA. Your wife however, needs to hear, loud and clear (or softly if that's your chosen method) that YOU are the one owed an apology...from her. Because she did not have your back and is instead allowing her mother to behave this way to her chosen family.
That might be "just how she is," or whatever hand waving excuse that family uses to give mom a pass, but your wife should not be sitting back and allowing you to be dissed and attacked. I hope she can see this from your POV, because right now, she's trying to have peace by throwing you to the wolves, and that's not okay.