'AITA for refusing to apologize for marrying and having children to the kids I put in foster care?'
"AITA for refusing to apologize for marrying and having children to the kids I put in foster care?"
I gave birth to my first kid when I was 13 and my second when I was 14. Neither of those pregnancies were my choice and I did not choose to carry to term. They were the result of a "family friend" getting to do whatever he wanted to me and my horrific parents refusing to let me terminate.
I only got free a few months after my 18th birthday because parents were both locked up and what happened to me came to light. I told everyone who spoke to me that I did not want to raise the kids.
There were attempts to help me keep them but even though I did what I could to keep them alive, I never bonded with them. I didn't have motherly love for them. I'd done the best with what I had but that wasn't good and I knew it even back then.
Not only because of my lack of love or bond but I was also very messed up. So my kids went into the foster care system and I terminated my parental rights to them. For another four or five years I lived pretty badly. I made dumb choices because of my traumas and I struggled to actually live the life I wanted. So much of everything was new to me and I didn't have a support system.
I never even graduated high school. But eventually I got my life together. It wasn't easy and I have needed so much therapy. I still go to therapy. And I'm still a work in progress. I think given my past I always will be. But the person I am today is happier, healthier and I have the stability and support needed for a good life. I married and had children with my husband in the last five years.
Even though I technically had kids before I felt like a first time mom in many ways. There were a lot of firsts with my pregnancies and our kids. Several months ago my older kids found me and reached out. They had questions which I did my best to answer but a lot of them I could not. I don't know medical history or all that much family history or info on their father.
It was difficult and I spoke to my therapist a lot in that time. trying to explain how they came to exist was the worst part and I leaned on my therapist a lot to help me explain it without burdening them with my feelings. Even though both are technically adults now it wasn't an easy discussion. Through all of it I did have to be honest about not wanting a relationship. The younger kid accepted this.
The oldest? They have reacted very differently. They feel I owe both a relationship and that it doesn't matter what I went through, that I am their mother and should act like it. There was also a demand that I apologize for marrying and having more kids when I let them grow up in foster care. I was told I was the adult in the family even at 13 and 14 and I should never have blamed them or denied them my life because of it.
The oldest pushed on this so much that I had to block them. But I know this isn't either of their faults and I know there are people who can love their kids who were in my circumstances. The fact I didn't apologize has played on my mind. I'm not apologetic for what I did. But I still feel like I could be an AH for that and for not doing it for the sake of the kid I gave birth to. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
simple_mix4995 wrote:
I’m sure your therapist worked through this with you? It’s clear you were and are NTA for put your kids in foster care.
Looking at it from your children’s point of view, I can understand a lifetime of feeling a certain way, not having enough information, and finally needing the biological mother and having big expectations and disappointment from it not being met. That said, the reality here is, this is a tragic story that impacted so many lives. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.
OP responded:
Yes, we are still working through all of this. She's helped me tremendously with this process.
gbstermite wrote:
NTA. I really wish people did not romanticize bio reunifications so much. There is a good number of adoptions in where either side wants nothing to do with the other. Unfortunately the older child may have some memories of their mother where the bare necessities look like superhero efforts. They were clinging to the hope that one day OP would come back for them.
shammy_dammy wrote:
NTA. Sounds like you need to use the ugly words if they're refusing to get it. They are the products of r@#e and ab#$e. Are your parents still alive? Sounds like they need to be the focus of this hounding, not you.
true_peanut_8092 wrote:
Oh darling you were a child. I have a young teenager and there is no way she'd be ready for having kids. I look at her and my heart breaks for you.
You should have been playing with your friends and messing about with make up at the mall, not surviving abuse and unwanted pregnancies and births. You have come so far to have got your life on track and be living in a positive place.
You are in no way to blame for the pregnancies, or for placing your children where they could get cared for and a life you weren't able to give them. It's also not the children's fault they were born and they have the right to their own feelings, but you can't be responsible for their pain or their feelings. NTA.
kukonimz wrote:
NTA. All three of you are victims of horrible vile people. You did the best you could and you managed to survive. You did the best you could for them as well by giving them up. At no point here are you at fault.
This is just a bad situation caused by truly scum of the earth people. I hope they get therapy to help navigate their own trauma, but don’t feel bad you got married and had kids. You deserve a good life and the autonomy to choose who and what is in it. Too much was taken from you at an early age.