'AITA for refusing to be around my step-grandma?'
'AITA for refusing to be around my step-grandma?'
My (14F) dad died suddenly when I was 7. He was only 32. I have very fond memories of him and how much he loved me and how much I loved him.
When he died, I was devastated. I remember screaming in the night, having to sleep in my mom’s bed and reverting back to calling her mommy. It didn’t help that my mom (36F) was pregnant with my little sister Holly (6) so it was a really rough time.
My mom started dating Andy (40) 4 years ago. We didn’t meet him until a year later and I really liked him and now, I love him.
He knows my dad is still my dad and has never once in the past 4 years tried to replace him, he has always said he is there if I want him. It is different for Holly as she never met our dad so Holly now calls Andy daddy.
I say to people Andy is my dad but I call him by name, nobody ever has had an issue with this. Even Andy’s family have been very welcoming.
The problem lies with Andy’s mom, Candy. My mom and Andy got married at the beginning of this year and we are starting the process of Andy officially adopting me and Holly. We were both asked if we wanted and both said yes.
I have my bio dad’s name so I agreed to keep the name but hyphenate it to add on Andy’s name. The same will be done for Holly. My mom is also pregnant again so with all that in mind, Candy has been badgering me to call her grandma since Holly and I will soon have her family name and the baby will have the name too.
I don’t want to call her grandma. I call her Candy. My mom and bio dad’s parents are all still alive and are involved in our lives, especially my bio dad’s parents. I call them grandma and grandpa. Candy keeps pushing thy I can call her grandma too instead of Candy but I keep telling her I don’t want to.
She kept annoying me so one day when we were round for dinner I told her to shove it and I stormed out. Andy came out after me and he took us home but since then I have refused to be around her since she won’t stop bringing up calling her grandma.
Mom and Andy are on my side and both have sternly told Candy that she needs to stop and that if she doesn’t we will no longer be going round to see her as a whole family, just them and Holly or even just them.
My step-aunt (Andy’s sister) is sympathetic to me but has stuck up for her mom by saying she’s 70+ and it’s confusing cos Holly calls her grandma and she just wants to feel as part of my life as my other grandparents are especially since we are the only grandkids as my step-aunt doesn’t have kids.
She has said Candy probably is lonely and doesn’t feel included and might be pushy but is probably doing it out of love. She does not understand that she is a part of my life like they are and that calling her Candy doesn’t make her any less of my grandma.
ETA: I have known all 4 of my grandparents my whole life and Candy for 2 nd a half years. My step aunt also is trying to see 2 sides which I get but it’s frustrating
Let's see what readers thought:
agahg9 writes:
NTA – It’s completely understandable that you want to keep your relationships with your biological grandparents separate from those with your step-grandma. Your dad’s passing is a deeply emotional experience, and your memories and connections to your biological family are significant.
You’re not obligated to call Andy’s mom “grandma” just because of a name change, especially when you already have loving grandparents you call by that title.
Candy’s insistence is disrespectful of your boundaries and feelings. Your response, while perhaps a bit blunt, is valid given that she’s been persistently pushing for something you’re uncomfortable with.
It’s important that you maintain your sense of identity and connection to your biological family, and it’s good that your mom and Andy are supporting you.
Your step-aunt’s perspective might come from a place of trying to smooth things over, but it doesn’t invalidate your emotions.
Candy should respect your wishes, and it’s not unreasonable to want to call her by her name instead of forcing an emotional connection you’re not ready for. You have every right to set boundaries with her, and it’s unfortunate that she’s not being more considerate.
gahup writes:
NTA. This would have been like Andy forcing you to call him Dad. Now, if you want to suggest a compromise, you could offer to pick one of those cutesy Grandma names and call her that- Nana Candy, Gigi Candy. Personally, the more obnoxiously saccharine the better.
You can look like the hero for meeting her half way. And she gets stuck with a really annoying Grandma nickname.
avna writes:
NTA - you've had a very difficult childhood. Yes, Candy is elderly and may be rather old-fashioned. Maybe talk to your other grandparents about it. Not to get approval, but maybe they have some insight into why Candy is so insistent and make suggestions on how to handle it.
I'm not suggesting you were wrong at all. But knowledge is always good, and your 4 grandparents are the same generation, but also know all that you have gone through. I am glad your parents are supporting you.
And maybe they can join that discussion with the grandparents. I suspect you do not want to hurt Candy, but want her to get over the name thing. Best of luck to you!
agsh writes:
NTA - could you use a different word for Candy (as long as these are not used for your bio grandmas) - like Gigi, Honey or Mimi? or come up with something you are comfortable with that is not Grandma or Candy? you are in no way wrong for how you feel about this.