'AITA for refusing to go to my childhood BFF’s wedding since she won't let me bring a plus-one?'

"AITA for not going to my childhood best friend’s wedding?"

I (26F) have decided not to go to my childhood best friend Sam's (26F) wedding. It may seem harsh, but I am really upset with her. Sam and I have been friends since diapers until about high school when I changed schools but have stayed friendly and see each other several times a year since, our moms were best friends, and we grew up together in the same small town.

Sam started dating Don (30M) a little over a year and a half ago. Don is Sam's first long-term adult relationship, and he is a born-again Christian. Since Sam and Don started dating, he required her to adopt his faith and even get re-confirmed, which is something Sam had never shown interest in before.

Don said he wouldn't move in with Sam (even though they have been staying over each other's places the whole relationship) without being married, so now they are getting married in a little over a month. Sam asked me to be in her bridal party earlier this year, and I said yes because I wanted to be there for her. But since she asked, she has grown increasingly self-centered and mean, which has never been like her.

Last month, my mom died unexpectedly. I'm still very much in the throes of grief. My mom was like Sam's second mom, and when Sam found out a couple of days later, she came to my house and the first words out of her mouth were, "She was so excited about my wedding." I let it slide because I knew it was a shock, but I felt it was a weird thing to say.

Sam's Jack & Jill was the next week, and my mom had made raffle baskets for it. Sam initially said she wanted to keep the baskets for sentimental reasons, and I said she absolutely should. Flash forward to a day before the Jack & Jill, I told her I wasn't ready to see everyone and I wasn't going to make it. Sam told me to bring the baskets and then leave.

I told her I thought she was keeping them, but she said she was going to raffle them instead. The baskets were at my mom's house, and it was very raw for me to go there, but Sam insisted I just grab them and bring them anyway. The baskets weren't going to bring in more than $15, and I thought the sentimental value would have been worth more, but I just said okay and had my GF (28F) drop them off.

Last week, I texted Sam and asked if it would be possible for my gf to have my mom's seat at the wedding because I can't drive at night and it's going to be hard for me to be there without my mom. When I asked her, I phrased it in a way that there was no pressure for her to make any certain choice, and I didn't know if it was an option because I was in a bit of a bind.

For context, her wedding is at a hall where they are bringing all their own chairs and the food is food trucks, so I thought there might be some flexibility. Sam responded that unfortunately, that's not how it works and my mom's seat was already taken by someone else. She suggested I get an Airbnb or ask to crash with someone. Then she asked if I ordered my dress and went on about her flowers.

I told her I needed some time to process and I'd get back to her. I felt very dismissed and unheard and waited a few days to talk with my therapist to form a response. Two days later, she texted me that she talked it over with Don and my gf could come. When I responded, I told her I appreciated her accommodating my gf but that her initial response made me feel dismissed.

I know my grief is raw right now, but I thought she might have reserved my mom's chair because she died 3 days before the RSVP was due. Side note: I cremated my mom in the dress she was going to wear to the wedding and she was also going to make the wedding cake, all of which Sam knew.

Sam responded and said she was sorry I felt that way but that I was out of line for insinuating she was replacing my mom. She said my mom would want her to be happy on her wedding day and not see an empty chair. She admitted she hadn't reached out because she was busy with school and didn't have the energy.

She also said she'd pray for me, which she knows is hurtful because I have religious trauma and that was never something she'd say before getting with Don. I replied, "I am not upset about your choice; I am upset about how you responded because I felt and still feel dismissed. I explained my rationale, thinking that because my mom was so involved and died so close to the RSVP, her spot was still there.

I know my grief influenced my feelings. By no means was I attacking you or your choice. I didn't bring up what my mom would have wanted and wasn't manipulating her memory. I was sharing how your response made me feel and sharing my grief with you as a friend.

But you are right, my mom would want you to be happy on your day and not be a reminder of someone you miss. This doesn't change how much I love you or how happy I am for you, but I can't attend because I can't put my grief in a box and just be cheery."

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

StretchMedium3868 said:

Take your time to grieve. The world has changed forever for you and being able to navigate it is hard. Lean in with the people that love you, see you, support you while you relearn who you are and how you feel.

I wish I had taken more time to grieve before trying to heal others, or fill in the gaps of what Mom would have wanted. Now I know, above everything else, mom would have wanted me to heal and find my own peace and find other arms that would hold me while on that journey.

So this is me, telling you, your Mom wants you to take your time healing and caring for yourself. Everyone grieves differently. You are not responsible for other people's expectations. Find the people that want to protect you. You are worth it. Huge hugs.

OP responded:

Wow, this just made me cry. Thank you 💕 I needed this

[deleted] said:

Sam is gone. She’s made up her mind and she will only move further away from you. You’re totally NTA. These are big times and you are serving your best interests.

clockwidget said:

You are NTA, and reading between the lines I am wondering if there's bigotry behind their behavior.

OP responded:

I also had that feeling but I don’t have any concrete proof it is, but that’s always how it goes. I came out to Sam early last year and she was supportive. I asked a few months later if Don had any issues with it and she said, “my cousins gay and Don spends time with him and I, Don says he doesn’t have any issue with other people being gay it’s just not something he would want for himself.”

I also found it odd I didn’t get a plus one to begin with, especially because I was in the bridal party and Sam knows my gf is soon to be my fiance

Comfortable-Focus123 said:

My dad passed away two weeks before my second cousins wedding, Not only did they have an empty seat for him, they said a prayer for him. And my cousin was not religious at all. Different strokes, I guess. Sorry for your loss, OP.

catboogers said:

I am so sorry for your loss. My main question is: why was your GF not originally on the invite list to begin with? You're in the bridal party and have been friends for years. You should've had a plus one.

Sam sounds like a user to me. She is not looking to help you with managing your grief, she wants to have your attention on her. And that's not healthy for you right now. Skip this wedding. If there is a friendship in your future, she will come to her senses, apologize to you for her actions and words, and will forgive you for missing it. If she doesn't, well, that says a lot more about her than about you.

And OP responded:

I am not sure why I wasn’t given a plus one, I thought it was odd from the start but I didn’t say anything about it. I also don’t know if any other bridesmaids or groomsmen had a plus one, I am not close enough to the others to know their relationship status and no one has said anything in the group chat about it 🤷‍♀️