'AITA for skipping my friend’s bachelor trip after finding out I was invited to split costs?'

"AITA for refusing to attend my friend’s bachelor trip after finding out I was only invited to split costs?"

I (32M) have been friends with “Mark” (33M) for over a decade. We are not inseparable, but we’ve been solid friends since college. When he got engaged, I was happy for him and congratulated him right away.

A few months ago, Mark told me he was planning a bachelor trip with “the guys” and asked if I was in. I said yes and assumed it would be a typical weekend away. No details yet, just that it would be “a good time.” Recently, the group chat got active with actual plans.

That’s when things started to feel off. Everyone else in the group had clearly already discussed the itinerary in a separate chat. The location, activities, and even room assignments were already decided before I was added. Then the costs were posted. I noticed I was being asked to split the total evenly, including activities I was not interested in and accommodations I did not get a say in.

When I asked if we could talk about options or at least adjust the split, Mark said it would “complicate things” and that it was easier if everyone just paid the same. What bothered me most was that I later found out I wasn’t even originally on the guest list. Another friend dropped out, and Mark added me afterward so the cost per person wouldn’t go up for everyone else.

I told Mark I wasn’t comfortable going under those circumstances and would bow out. He got upset and accused me of making the trip about money and not supporting him. A few other guys messaged me saying I was being cheap and should just pay up for the experience. I can afford it, but it feels wrong to be invited primarily to subsidize a trip I had no role in planning. AITA for refusing to go?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

substantial_now_871 wrote:

NTA. Hell no - no one likes being treated as second best and the fact you are being gaslighted as “not supporting him” is manipulative. Your feelings are valid, if you don’t like it, then don’t go. Why should you have to be considerate for those who are not the same towards you?

Especially when they didn’t consider you originally when making the plans. You’re not a back-up and friends wouldn’t treat you as such. This deal only benefits them and it is a breeding ground for resentment.

infinite-nothing-336 wrote:

NTA. Mark should have been up front and told you he had a limited amount of people he could invite and asked you if you wanted to go as he had someone drop off and then been honest that the planning and whatnot had been done. That would have allowed you to decide if you wanted to go on a trip that was planned with none of your input.

I'm pretty sure you're being guilt tripped with them saying you're being cheap, unsupportive, etc. it's truly cheap to invite someone on a trip for the sole purpose of keeping costs down. Don't go if you're feeling weird, you probably won't have fun.

Go if you think you'll enjoy it. You were an afterthought so you don't owe anyone anything and they can fuss at the original drop out about being unsupportive cheap etc. like why os he getting a pass?

JeepersCreeper74 wrote:

NTA. Mark’s the one who made it all about money by inviting you just to defray costs for the group. He doesn’t deserve your support under the circumstances.

RonitSaraji wrote:

NTA.

You'd be losing that friend group, but I think you can afford that as well.

TopRamenisha wrote:

You’re NAH for feeling like a second choice and wanting to bow out. However, a counterpoint I will add is that every bachelorette party I’ve ever been to has been planned by a couple people and everyone going on the trip splits the costs evenly. I have been to plenty of bachelorette parties that I had no say in planning or activities.

Sometimes that included activities that I didn’t really want to do, but it was my friends bachelorette party and not a party for me, so I sucked it up and did those activities anyways because that’s what my friend wanted to do. For 90% of the bachelorette parties I’ve been to, I just showed up and it was planned by someone else and we split the cost evenly.

For the other 10%, I was one of the people helping plan the party and they were planned around what the bride wanted to do because it’s a party FOR THE BRIDE/GROOM. Getting a group of people to all agree on every detail of a bachelor/bachelorette party is really not something that is easy to do. The party isn’t about you, it’s about your friend and what they want to do for their party.

That’s who the activities are planned for, and they’re usually planned by 1 or 2 people who are focused on celebrating the bride or groom. So I guess I’d say NAH. You’re not an asshole for feeling like a second choice since you were only invited after someone dropped out. But they’re not assholes for not looping you into the planning.

Planning a trip with too many opinions becomes a too many cooks in the kitchen situation when the party is really about one person and what they want to do. Splitting costs evenly is normal and expected for a situation like this. It’s not a choose your own adventure vacation with a la carte excursions. It’s a group trip focused on one person and the group does the activities together

Summerno7 wrote:

NTA. And the audacity to call OP cheap blows my mind. When since the beginning his friend did all this for the money, and the other friends in the group are just a bunch of cheap rats for not wanting to pay their share of a trip that was clearly tailored for them.

Chaghatai wrote:

I would just respond with the truth

"Why you so upset? I was only invited when somebody else dropped out so that I could help pay the costs."

"It's not like inviting me was really about extending an experience especially when I said it wasn't interested in all of the activities and you said I should just sort of roll with what everyone else chose. And now it seems that you're upset at me because I'm not interested in those activities enough to give you that savings and bring the cost back down."

"It's pretty obvious to me. You're more upset about the price you guys are going to have to pay then whether or not I'm there—especially since I wasn't even originally invited."I tend to be more wordy and pointed when I'm arguing with family and friends, but I have also found that it gets everything in the open and at least everyone's clear."