'AITA for refusing to attend my friend’s wedding after she gave me my own dress code?'

"AITA for refusing to attend my friend’s wedding after she gave me my own dress code?"

Ana and I are both 28f. She’s getting married in late August; I was invited as a guest, not in the wedding party. I don’t know exactly how it started but since at least middle school, I’ve preferred dressing in black. Now, as an adult, my wardrobe is about 90% black, 5% gray or ivory and 5% colorful grandpa sweaters I like to wear at home.

I prefer to not buy new clothing for weddings or other events if i can get away with it because my job requires a lot of parties & events and I already own too many dresses. I will if I really need to. But it’s rare that black is inappropriate for events I attend/my social circle.

The invitation says “cocktail attire," Ana told me “cocktail attire, no black”. None of my gray dresses were suitable for evening cocktail and the cream/whites are obviously out so I started some preliminary searching last week.

I texted our mutual friend Gina to ask if she had put any thought into it yet and she sent me several pictures of dresses she was considering. A number of them were black/predominately black. I was surprised so I asked her “isn’t it no black?” And she said not that anyone had told her.

I thought that was weird so I texted two other friends/guests and asked if they had been told no black and they both said no. So I texted Ana and asked.

She texted back “lol you always wear black. I just want to see you do something different for once” and I asked why she didn’t just talk to me about it? she got defensive and did the “it’s my wedding and this is what I want” thing. I got annoyed and stopped responding.

I gave myself a day to think about it and then called her to withdraw my RSVP. She got very upset and made snide comments about “I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” which was really obnoxious because I’m not rich or anything but a new dress is a really petty expense and “can’t afford” is just rude.

I was going to buy one with no issue until I realized it was a “just for me” dress code and now I don’t want to. I don’t like the idea of being given my own separate rules in any circumstances and yeah, it might be a silly rule that wouldn’t hurt me, but she still tried to trick me.

I ended up just hanging up on her and that’s likely now a dead friendship that won’t be revived. I haven’t run around posting about it or anything but it’s spread to a few mutual friends and some of them have texted me for clarification on what happened.

Most of them say they “get it” but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes so I don’t know if they really do “get it”. But it’s caused me to doubt myself a lot so now I’m asking strangers…AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

coastalkid92 said:

NTA. The reality here is that the situation is less about the dress and more about how Ana went about it. If she wanted you to wear something a little more bright coloured and festive for whatever reason, she could have had a mature adult conversation head on with you.

Instead, she decided to try and be sneaky which is a super childish way to handle it and then decided to throw your finances in your face (which she may or may not know anything about). Weddings are expensive and most people recognize that so they don't ask their guests to wear anything crazy.

WrongAd2377 said:

NTA. People who invite others to their wedding don't make them incur unnecessary costs bc they haven't seen them in that color before. You did NOT nuke a friendship.

You stood up for yourself, which you have every right to. 150$ is not a small amount and if she was truly your friend, she never would have put you in that position.

For all the friends who ask how come you're throwing the friendship away, ask them if a friend would trick you into spending this much money unnecessarily?

TeenySod said:

I had a friend make a direct special request for me (personally) to wear "a frock" to their wedding (I'm a trousers gal) - because they just wanted me to look feminine for a change (lol). No specification on colour/style - and because I appreciate them, I did (as it happens.

I found the perfect dress in a thrift shop, checked those first - I would have bought new if I hadn't been able to find one though!). Friend was so happy that it was worth the minor discomfort :)

I get it: it's not about money, it's about trust and honesty. NTA, Ana was underhand in the way she went about this and I would have lost faith in that friendship too.

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 said:

NTA. It sounds like they really don't get it, and it's weird that they're pinning the blame for this on you. Your ex-friend is the one who terminated the friendship by imposing dress requirements on you as a regular guest because “it’s my wedding and this is what I want."

If she wants to impose a specific dress code on you, she should ask you to be a member of her wedding party. Otherwise, black cocktail attire is perfectly fine. A good friend doesn't get a kick out of deliberately making her friends uncomfortable on her wedding day.

Ebyanyothername said:

NTA. You’re not throwing away a 10-year friendship for a $150 dress; you’re walking away from a toxic friend that wanted to use the opportunity of her wedding to control you and how you dress. Wildly inappropriate of her and underhanded to boot.

StevieFromWork said:

NTA…dress codes at weddings are fine, but only if they apply to everyone.