'AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding—or give a gift—after she invited my ex but excluded my wife?'
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s wedding—or give a gift—after she invited my ex but excluded my wife?"
My (32F) sister (28F) is getting married in a few weeks. She recently sent out the official invites, and while I was included, my wife (30F) was not. When I asked about it, my sister told me the decision was intentional.
She said she wants her wedding to be “as peaceful as possible” and that she doesn’t feel comfortable having my wife there. For context: my wife and sister have never gotten along particularly well. There’s no major incident or explosive history—just mutual dislike and a few passive-aggressive exchanges over the years.
That said, my wife has always been respectful at family gatherings, and I’ve never seen her act out. What makes this worse, though, is that my ex-girlfriend (whom I dated for four years before meeting my wife) is invited. My sister remained friends with her after we broke up six years ago. I didn’t love it, but I never made an issue of it.
Still, it’s incredibly hurtful to see that my sister would rather include someone from my past—someone I haven’t spoken to in years—over the person I’ve chosen to build a life with. I told my sister that I wasn’t comfortable attending under these circumstances and that I wouldn’t be sending a wedding gift either.
I said if she doesn’t recognize my wife as part of the family, then she shouldn’t expect me to play along with the celebration as if everything is fine. She accused me of being petty and trying to punish her for “setting boundaries.” My parents have since called to say I’m overreacting and that I should “just go and keep the peace.”
To me, this feels like more than a disagreement—it feels like a fundamental lack of respect for my marriage. But the family seems to think I’m making it about me.
AITA for refusing to attend the wedding and declining to give a gift because of how my wife has been treated?
The internet was quick to share their thoughts.
coral225 wrote:
NTA lemme guess: your ex is single?
OP responded:
Yeah, she is. And while I’d love to believe that’s irrelevant, I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to the invite than just "staying friends." The fact that my wife wasn’t invited, but someone I dated for four years was, definitely raises some eyebrows. It just feels incredibly disrespectful—not just to my wife, but to our marriage. Whether it’s intentional or not, it sends a message I can’t ignore.
FacetiousTomato wrote:
Info: Your sister remained friends with your ex - was she friends with your ex before your relationship? Like is this a best friend of hers? Also how large a wedding? If we're talking 12 people, I can see inviting a best friend and not an in-law - particularly if we have a known dislike for each other. Otherwise as written, NTA.
OP responded:
Good questions—so to clarify: no, my wife is not friends with my ex. My sister is. They became close during the time I was dating my ex and stayed in touch after we broke up. My wife and ex have no relationship and haven't spoken in years.
As for the size of the wedding—it's not small. Around 100 guests, including extended family, coworkers, and a few mutual friends we haven’t seen in ages. So this definitely wasn’t a "tight guest list" situation.
StrangeronReddit wrote:
My parents have since called to say I’m overreacting and that I should “just go and keep the peace.”
And your sister could have kept the peace by including your wife with the notion that it would be incredibly unlikely for your wife to cause problems at the wedding.
NTA. This isn't really about your ex being invited, if that's her friend it makes sense she would include her. The deliberate snub to your wife though, that's the issue. She is making an active choice to divide the family over what sounds like some superficial dislike for your wife.
Unless you've left something out where your wife caused some kind of crazy drama, your sister is being incredibly immature. I wouldn't attend either. FWIW, my BIL have conflicting personalities and neither of us really like each other, but we include each other in everything and we are nice to each other because it's just not worth the energy and drama to do anything else.
celticmusebooks wrote:
RSVP a sound NO and tell your parents that "keeping the peace" is a two way street and they need to speak to your sister about correct wedding etiquette. DO send your sister a wedding gift-- a book on etiquette (Emily Post, Miss Manners, or Etiquette for Dummies are all good choices).
Take your wife somewhere AMAZING on the day of the wedding and post tons of pics. Caption them "nothing important going on so we're taking advantage with an all day date!"
cascadia1979 wrote:
NTA. A wedding invitation is never a summons and that is especially true here. Your sister refusing to invite your wife is incredibly disrespectful to you and you have every right to decline the invitation on that basis alone.
The fact that your ex is going makes it even more justified - your sister has every right to invite your ex because they are friends, but when your own wife is excluded, inviting the ex does seem like piling on. This situation is not your fault. It’s your sister’s. You’re no AH for refusing a disrespectful invite.
Jenk1972 wrote:
I would bet money that the seating chart for the reception puts you right next to your ex. Not only would I not go, I would make sure anyone who asked why I wasn't attending knew that my sister was trying to actively disrespect my marriage and my wife in general.
The fact your parents want you to just do what your sister wants, would honestly make me rethink how deep of a relationship I could have with them going forward as well. Short of your wife being an absolute terror to everyone in your family, the disrespect of your marriage is unforgivable at this point.