'AITA for refusing to babysit my adult sister after she moved back home and treated me like a PA?'
"AITA for refusing to babysit my adult sister after she moved back home started treating me like her personal assistant."
So this is a weird one and I genuinely don’t know if I handled it wrongly. My younger sister is 20 years old and she recently moved back in with our parents after a breakup. I’m 24 year old living about 20 minutes away from home but visits often because my parents are old and I help them with errands. My sister and I were never very close, but things between us were always okay.
The issue is that ever since she moved back, she keeps acting like I’m supposed to manage her life for her. It started small asking me to remind her of appointments, asking me to look over emails, asking me to drive her to pick up her car because she didn’t feel like dealing with Uber. It was really annoying, but manageable.
Soon it escalated so fast. She began calling me while I was at work to ask where she left her wallet. She’d text me screenshots of arguments with her ex asking me to decode what he means. She even asked me to call her boss to say she would be late because she was too drained to speak professionally. I told her no, obviously. Last weekend was the breaking point.
I went to my parents house to drop off groceries. My sister had apparently booked a nail appointment across town and just assumed I’d drive her because I was to pass that same way. When I said I couldn’t because I was literally just stopping by and had groceries in my car that needed to go home she got upset and said I was abandoning her during a hard time.
My mom tried to mediate, but my sister kept saying things like, If you cared, you’d help me get back on my feet. I lost my temper a bit and said, You’re an adult, not a toddler. I can support you, but I’m not your babysitter. She looked genuinely hurt and left to her room.
Now my dad thinks I could’ve phrased things more gently, and my mom says my sister has been really fragile since the breakup. But I feel like I’ve been more than patient, and it’s not fair to be expected to manage her life. I also don’t want to set a precedent that every time she has a crisis, I become the default caretaker just because I’m the dependable sibling.
My sister hasn’t spoken to me since except for one text that said, Good to know how you really see me. I’m kind of unsure because I don’t want to be cold, but I also don’t want this dynamic where I’m basically her emotional and logistical manager. AITA for telling her I’m not her babysitter?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Cappa_Cail wrote:
NTA. Taking her to a nail appointment is not about “support” but entitlement. Even a “fragile” person has manners and enough sense to ask for a ride a head of time.
OP responded:
Giving her a ride there wasn't a problem for me, she feels it was my work to do so. Which she's no longer a kid.
Clueslosthelp wrote:
NTA and your sister needs to grow up and start being independent. Please stop helping her with everything (or anything, quite frankly).
OP responded:
Yeah I'll stop helping her out, I really want her to grow up.
Blonddee1970 wrote:
NTA. Perhaps moving back home has reverted your sister back into a needy 16 yr old but that's not your problem. She needs to grow up and take accountability for her own life.
OP responded:
Exactly. Thank you for getting my point.
Fiempre-sin-tabla wrote:
Nope, you are NTA. Your sister needs to end her little pity-party and put her big-girl pants back on.
OP responded:
Thought as much but she's the last born of the house.
Reason why she's like that.
Ironchef8000 wrote:
Her behavior is inappropriate and takes you completely for granted. Everyone hits rough patches and needs support. But that’s not a blank check to turn someone else into their personal assistant. A bad breakup doesn’t justify not being able to keep track of your wallet. Could you have been nicer? Yes. But overall NTA.
extinctdiplodocus wrote:
NTA. You could have been less blunt, but it would then have been ineffective. She needed clarity more than any ambiguous circumvention. It may take some growing up on her part before she realizes the truth of your words. In the meantime, don't backslide into a role that makes you a parent or a servant to her. At her age, she needs to start accepting responsibility for herself.
zubond0922 wrote:
NTA honestly you were being kind. I just have so many questions overall but i don’t think they’re really worth asking, but your sister needs to realize that you’re not like 12 and 16 anymore, you know? she’s lucky you phrased it as “not wanting to be her babysitter” IMO.
julesk wrote:
NTA, maybe text your parents and sister, “Just to clear the air, I know heartbreak is awful and I’m happy to provide emotional support. However, I can’t take calls at work, because my sister thinks I’ll know where her wallet is, and it’s no favor to keep track of her appointments or be her chauffeur.
Could I have been more tactful? Yes, and I’m sorry. I’ve hit my limits though, so I’m only available if she has an emergency or needs to talk.”
underscore_hashtags wrote:
NTA, I 100% would have said something similar. Having a breakup is a part of life and one she may need to get used to if she treats her partners the way she treats her family. I would imagine she is a bit pushy to your parents as well, so you need to have a word with her about that, especially as they are aging.
Just because a part of her world stopped, doesn't mean everyone else's world needs to stop and it certainly doesn't mean that everyone needs to pander to her whims and desires. If she is big enough to live with a man, she is big enough to manage herself and she needs to start doing that.
Obviously, you may want to deliver that in a softer manner than my words, but this is the gist of growing up - you will do her no favors in not being upfront with here. Good luck!