'AITA for refusing to be a part of my father's family for the time I have to live with them?'

"AITAH for refusing to be a part of my father's family for the time I have to live with them and letting them know they can let me live with my actual family if it hurts their feelings so bad?"

My mom and dad's relationship broke up when I (17M) was two. Mom had full custody of me, dad was given visitation but never took it. He moved a couple of hours away and he didn't try to be my parent.

So for as long as I can remember my mom was the only parent I recognized. I used to think he at least paid child support but when mom was sick I found out he owed $15,000 in child support because he wasn't always good about paying and he was even worse about paying the child support debt.

A year ago my mom had a stroke and she passed 7 weeks later. To make a bad situation even worse the social worker from the hospital contacted CPS and they spoke to my dad and told him about mom dying and asked if he would take full custody of me.

I wanted to stay with my grandparents or my aunt or even my uncle. Any of them would have worked for me. They were all willing too. CPS said I needed to be with my parent. Dad said yes and a judge ruled in favor of dad over my actual family.

I spoke to the judge and explained my dad was a stranger and I didn't want to live with him but he told me it would be good for me to have a shot at a dad and he said I needed to make it work until I was 18. My dad remarried a few years ago and he's been raising his wife's son (6) since they were dating. I wasn't happy about living with them and I let my dad and his wife know.

She told me I'd fit right in and we'd be a family in no time. I don't think she expected me to not want this to work. I refused to sit and eat with them, I refused to take the part of an older brother to her son, I refused to talk to her about my feelings and I don't call them mom and dad or even parents.

I use their names. I stay out of the house pretty often and I refused to try family therapy with them. I didn't say a single word with them in the room and to the therapist alone I said I didn't want to be a part of their family and I wasn't going to make any effort to try this.

I've left and gone to my grandparents house a few times without saying anything and his wife showed up threatening to get the judge involved again and CPS. So I'd go back in case my grandparents got into any kind of trouble. I'd ignore her lectures about respecting her and dad more.

She's 6 months pregnant as of now and she's going crazy with stress because the baby changes nothing for me. I don't care that the kid is related to me through blood, I don't care that she wants us to be a real family and I don't care if it hurts their feelings that I don't want to be their family. My stance has not changed.

My dad and his wife tried to sit me down a few days ago to appeal to my sense of whatever they called it I don't really remember now. But they said they wanted me to try and be a part of the family at least until I'm 18 and move out. They said as long as I'm here and they're trying I should try.

I said I won't and I don't care if it hurts their feelings and they can always send me home to my family if it hurts that bad. My dad's wife asked me what the hell was wrong with me and how come I had no compassion for the innocent kids involved in this. I told her I was forced to be there against my will and I wasn't co-operating to make her kids happy.

I don't think my dad wants to keep me. He won't come out and say it but it feels like this is all his wife and maybe him avoiding child support. But she's way more proactive than him and she dominates those talks we've had.

AITAH?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Vivid_treat3231 wrote:

Tell her does she know he owed over 15,000 in child support and to let her know that odds are not in her favour for when they split up.

OP responded:

I brought that up. She already knew or she didn't care either way because it was a non-issue for her.

Daniroo88 wrote:

NTA! Remind them both, he was absolutely fine not being a family or even financially supporting you the last 15 years! You’re not a family. Sperm donor has made that very clear through his own actions.

OP responded:

She doesn't care about the child support not being paid. Apparently she's fine marrying and having a kid with a guy who abandoned one already. Reminding her/them more isn't going to do anything but make them dig their heels in I fear. If she won't protect her son's feelings she's not going to care about me being annoying.

Bitter_animator2514 wrote

NTA. Your sperm donor choose which child he wanted to raise. You don’t have a sibling bond with a stranger. Tell him pay the child support go back to your family.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. And hope you get some support for that.

OP responded:

He's not paying it back. I already accepted that he'll find his ways to avoid it like he has this long. He won't let me go back to my family yet either and I'm just not willing to risk them getting into any legal trouble for going against a judge's orders.

Select-Negotiation87 wrote:

NTA. Your father had 17 years to establish a relationship with you or be there for you at least financially. Instead of leaving you with the family you have left he selfishly took you away from them. Now his wife who’s a complete stranger is telling you to do better by them and play big brother to kids who are also total strangers. Makes me wonder if you can still demand the 15k after you are 18 and sue him for it.

OP responded:

I looked it up before and I don't think so. But my grandparents said they'd pay for a lawyer when I'm 18 and we can find out for sure.

Different-Airline372 wrote:

NTA, those two are delusional. If you need to ruin every single "family time" and any moment of peace for them to let you go to your real family, well, then that's what you are gonna need to do. Keep reminding your sperm donor that he is a deadbeat and a loser who couldn't even pay child support. Let that be the only topic to talk about.

Make it clear to his wife, that she has no rights over you, so she doesn't get to talk. As long as you don't hurt the kids, though, just ignore them! Make sure all of your stuff and documents are somewhere safe, check your credit. Have a plan for the actual birth so you don't end up having to babysit her kid. Although with a bit of luck you'll be home before that.