'AITA for refusing to be in the same space as my fiance's uncle?'

"AITA for refusing to be in the same space as my fiance's uncle?"

A few years ago my boyfriend and I moved cross country after his uncle offered me a job opportunity. It was lockdown times and I had just graduated college with no luck finding work. About a month into the job it became clear I had made a decision I was regretting. To start, the position I had been initially told I would be working, turned out to be something else entirely.

I was a good sport and agreed that I could fill the gaps in skill/knowledge with some internet research and training when his uncle insisted. But by month three, the uncle had become increasingly condescending, always critiquing my work heavily and often redoing it himself with no opportunity for me to learn/grow as an employee.

He had even begun walking around the office telling people he might have to fire me due to my performance, while never directly addressing the issue with me. The situation became incredibly toxic and he started yelling more frequently and even slamming doors. Another family member worked for this uncle and eventually cornered him privately to stand up for me in the situation.

The synopsis I've been given is that he made comments along the lines of "She doesn't respect me because I'm an old white guy." And that's why he was ultimately pushing for my termination. I am black/white mixed, dating a white man. Never in my life have I been accused of being prejudice.

The comments sent me in a spiral at work, and when confronted by another coworker, I told them everything. They insisted I was doing a perfectly fine job and that the uncle was just an AH (everyone at work knew that). HR eventually caught wind of the situation (nevermind the comment, the man was slamming doors and screaming in office).

The HR investigation concluded that he was in the wrong and needed to complete training to continue his job. The other family member was fired for retaliation of assisting the HR case once the case concluded. And I was sent to work from home for the duration of my contract.

Fast forward 4 years later and my boyfriend and I are engaged. We don't talk to his uncle. He has never reached out to me directly to apologize for the situation, but sent a gift card a few years ago.

The uncle continues to tell my fiance's parents that he wants to get on better terms with us and that we aren't receptive to his apology, but he has never attempted any communications with me and our text thread shows I was the last one to message him 4 years ago. I can see him trying to manipulate them like a fiddle.

And unfortunately they've never asked/cared for my side of things. They insist "We're all family and sometimes you just shouldn't work for family, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a relationship with them."

I strongly disagree. My fiance doesn't care if I patch things up with his uncle, as he doesn't condone his behavior, but am I the asshole for not wanting to be in the same space as my fiance's uncle, even for the sake of my in-laws? Do I need to just, get over it?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

mustscream wrote:

NTA. He made your workplace so toxic that HR had to intervene accused you of being prejudice against him (wtf) got someone fired for defending you, never actually apologized despite telling everyone he did, and is now lying to your in-laws about trying to reach out.

You don't owe him anything. Your fiance has your back and that's what matters. uncle can enjoy family events without you there. Boundaries aren't petty when someone treated you this badly.

OP responded:

The other family member was reacting the same as me until recently, not attending events and even went as far as to block the uncle (the uncle did attempt to contact this person unlike myself). But after recent pressure from family they've started attending things again, which has resulted in the attention now turning to me.

But this person was not accused of being racist and had a previous relationship with the uncle prior to the incident. There is some level of a positive history there to look back on. Where as for me there was nothing but negativity.

Familiar_Shock1542 wrote:

I assumed he owned the company by the way you phrased things at the beginning. Apparently, he just worked there. Was he actually in charge of hiring and firing? If he hasn't ever bothered to apologize and have a discussion, I see no reason to even consider inviting him just to make your ILs happy. Your happiness is what matters. NTA.

"The other family member was fired for retaliation of assisting the HR case once the case concluded. And I was sent to work from home for the duration of my contract."

By whom?

OP responded:

He was a direct supervisor of ours. I later learned he was not even in the position of power to have fired me. (I was new and did not fully understand the chain of command, and he used that to his advantage to instill fear of job security.)

The other family member was fired by another supervisor above the uncle, he was annoyed that the HR case was happening and it made his department look bad. Didn't actually care about the behavior/actions of his employee. Just wanted to send a message in the office and punish someone since they couldn't fire me.

Athingwithfeathers2 wrote:

Tell them the door goes both ways. I wouldn't avoid family functions but I'm not afraid to call him out publicly for his messed up behavior. But I'm me, a cranky old white lady, and everyone handles that crap the way they feel best. You have no responsibility to make him look good. Tell your BF's family, or better, BF should tell them the truth.

That old AH never apologized or replied when you contacted him four years ago. Why should you do all the heavy lifting in that respect? It's a part of too many men's MO to put all the social and emotional work on the women around them and not take any responsibility for their part in relationships, work, family, or otherwise.

He wants you to make him look better and avoid acknowledging he was/is such a jerk. I think we should give public awards to such dipshits for accomplishing such astounding levels of weaponized incompetence.

Scary_Butterscotch474 wrote:

NTA. You are playing this wrong. Uncle doesn’t really want a relationship but he knows that he has to pretend if he wants to be invited to things and if he wants sympathy as “the victim”. Reverse Uno him.

“I don’t know what Uncle is talking about. We ring him every year for his birthday and Christmas. He doesn’t pick up.”

Uncle can’t prove that you don’t message without revealing that he doesn’t message. Family gets off your back. Huzzah!