"AITA for refusing to let my boyfriend move in to my house with his nephew even temporarily?"

I (23F) inherited my grandparents house and land last year. I’d rather have my grandparents back, but at least I’m set up with a good place to live out of college and don’t have to worry about housing like a lot of my friends. I’ve been seeing my boyfriend Adam (24M) for a year and a half and we’ve been planning to move in together this summer. He would be moving to my place.

Right now he lives in an apartment with 3 roommates. Adam has an older brother that is kind of a POS. He and his girlfriend are addicts and have been involved in shady stuff in the past so Adam only talks to them at holidays usually. They have a son (5M) that Adam sends birthday cards and gifts to but hasn’t spent a whole lot of time around because of the family drama.

A couple of weeks ago, the worst happened and the girlfriend died and Adam’s brother is going to be in jail probably for a very long time. Adam’s mom is disabled and not in good enough health to keep up with a 5 year old full time. Girlfriend’s family apparently disowned her and want nothing to do with it. That leaves Adam as a guardian for the kid or foster care.

I am not a kid person. I don’t dislike kids, but I had my own messed up childhood and I would not be a good parent or be able to deal with the noise and chaos of a small kid easily. Adam knows this as we’ve had the “what if there’s an oops” and future planning conversations. So, I was surprised when Adam asked about moving plans up for us to live together so that he would have space to take in his nephew.

I said I wasn’t ok with him bringing his nephew and that since the situation had changed the plan would have to be put off until something was figured out. He said there’s no room for his nephew at his current place and rent is sky high so he wouldn’t be able to afford a new place on his own.

My place has plenty of room and would be perfect, and this is literally the difference between his nephew staying with family and going god knows where. We argued and his mom has been calling me to beg me to let them stay with me for awhile until they can make other arrangements. I have a feeling that a little while would turn into permanently once the kid got comfortable.

Mutual friends have been telling me I’d be an asshole for not helping Adam at least temporarily because I’m lucky to have the space, but I really don’t want my space invaded like that and have to deal with kicking them out eventually if nothing else comes up.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Snoo49732 said:

It seems like your boyfriend is maybe going to have to decide whether he wants to take care of his nephew or be with you. I told my husband that I would be the parent to 4 kids if anything happened to my sis or BIL when we first got together.

I don't want kids and neither does he but he married me knowing there was a chance we could end up guardians. At the end of the day it's your life, your house, and your peace. You get to decide what you're comfortable with. NAH. also squatters rights are a pain in the butt.

Klumsy_Alfredo said:

NTA. But this is the end of your relationship

Tangerine_Bouquet said:

NTA. You are absolutely right that this would not be 'temporary'. Taking in a child is not temporary. It's looking like your boyfriend is expected to adopt this child. You know your boundaries, and they are actually completely reasonable.

There are a lot of kids in terrible situations, and you are not expected to take them into your home and become a parent to them (which you would be doing here; they're lying to you and/or themselves if they say otherwise).

Be sympathetic to your boyfriend, maybe help him find subsidized housing or resources for him (the state may support family-member fostering). But don't let him move in with you. You would be miserable.

thatshygal717 said:

NTA. He will never move out.

Update:

Well, decision made. I broke up with him last night. Reading all the responses made me realize that I don’t actually want him to move in with or without his nephew at this point. He did not take it well at all, but probably another reason this wasn’t going to work in the end. Hopefully he and his mom can figure something out together.

Update #2:

A small update for this. Some of you guys were totally right about his intentions. He dropped the idea of taking his nephew in a few days after I broke up with him and called from a mutual friend’s phone to ask me to take him back. I asked him why he wasn’t going to take in his nephew and he said it would be too hard to do alone.

So, looks like he was expecting me to help him with the kid all along instead of just letting them stay for awhile, without a free place to live and a built in helper he’s not interested. I did not take him back. I think the breakup was the best thing that could have happened, I feel a lot better without him in my life. Thanks for the advice.