'AITA for refusing to let my brother-in-law name his baby after my late husband?'

"AITA for refusing to let my brother-in-law name his baby after my late husband?"

I (33F) lost my husband, Mark, three years ago in a car accident. It was devastating, and while I’ve worked hard to rebuild my life, the grief is still there. Mark and I didn’t have kids, but he always wanted to be a father, and his name holds a lot of sentimental value for me.

My sister-in-law (36F) is married to Mark’s brother, Ethan (38M). They’re expecting their first child, and recently, they told me they want to name their son “Mark” to honor him. While I understand the sentiment, I immediately felt uneasy. Mark’s name is deeply personal to me, and the idea of someone else in the family using it feels… wrong.

I gently told Ethan and my sister-in-law that I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. I suggested they use Mark’s name as a middle name or consider something else entirely. But they were upset and said it wasn’t fair for me to “claim” the name when it’s part of their family, too. Ethan even said that this would help keep Mark’s memory alive, especially since they were so close.

The argument escalated when I pointed out that if I ever had a child, I might want to name them after Mark, and it would feel strange if there was already another Mark in the family. Ethan said that’s a hypothetical situation and accused me of being selfish for “gatekeeping” a name as if it were only mine to use.

Now, the family is divided. Some think I’m overreacting and should let them honor Mark however they want. Others say it’s my right to set that boundary, given how close I was to him. AITA for saying no to them naming their baby after my late husband?

EDIT:

I'm adding an edit here although it's only been a little bit since I posted to add some info that could be important, apologies I didn't include it before. But thank you, everyone, for your insights, it's given me a lot to think about.

First, Mark and Ethan have been almost zero contact since Mark turned 23, for a much longer reason. They've only spoken a few times since then, at Ethan's wedding, our wedding, and, most recently (about a year before his death) a funeral. Ethan and his wife didn't attend Marks's funeral, giving no reason about why, but the rest of the family dismissed it, and I'm still not sure why.

They didn't even send so much as a card. I only found out that they were expecting and intending to use the name of a family holiday party that I go to every year, which they attended for the first time.

Apparently, every single person at that party (and it wasn't a small one) had known about the pregnancy, but not their plans for the name. At the party, Ethan and his wife (never been very chummy with her) announced their intent for the baby's name. So I asked them about it later, and that is where our argument began.

The thing that set me off was that Ethan said he wanted to use Mark's name since "they were so close in childhood" but haven't spoken more than a few words in ages. So I mainly feel that he has no right to use the name because of his relationship with Mark before he passed, and the apathy to me when he did die.

Secondly, adoption was always the plan for Mark and me, and we were in the process of figuring out the steps to adopt in our area around the time he passed. As an adopted child, I would have it no other way, and I'm also infertile, so this was pretty much the only route I've been able to take.

At this moment, since I've gotten back on my feet after the loss, I've been considering adopting as a single mom, because fortunately, I do have the means, and the support system (mainly my side of the family and some friends) to raise a child alone.

As of right now, I'm not sure if I'll ever re-marry, but chances are, I will adopt before I do. Adopting a child and naming him after the man I had always planned to adopt with seems like the best way to honor him, and keep his memory alive.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

SincerelyCynical said:

I am so sorry for your loss. Respectfully, you are overstepping here. Mark was not only your husband. He was a son, a brother, a friend, and likely so much more. He had a role in so many lives, and each of those lives has the right to grieve and remember him in their own way.

If you do adopt, I hope you use whatever name you feel is right. Adoption is an indescribable blessing (I am an adoptive mom). Let them live their lives how they see fit. Because you almost never see them, any choice they make will only be as big as you allow it to be in your own life.

rheasilva said:

I'm sorry, you think you can tell Ethan that he's not allowed to name his son after his own brother?????? Yeah, sorry, YTA for that. You are NOT the only person who lost Mark. You didn't just lose your husband, Ethan lost his brother. You don't get to tell him that he's not allowed to honor his own brother. You massively overstepped here & you owe Ethan an apology.

Rhyslikespizza said:

YTA. You don’t own your husband’s name or legacy. You don’t get to decide what he meant to his brother, or how his brother grieves. Be gracious about them honoring your husband. You admitted you don’t associate with these people, so why should it be any bother to you what they name their child?

I know you’ve lost your husband, but gently, your future children will have zero relation to your late husband’s kin. These are the people who loved him though. Isn’t it beautiful to think there may be two Marks out there named for the husband you loved?

coffeeobsessee said:

Naming a potential child with a new partner after your late husband is possibly the worst idea ever. Do not do that.

Western-Cupcake-6651 said:

YTA. No one would tell me what to name my kid, and if I lost my sister the baby would be named after her. WTF. You don’t see these people. Why this was worth an argument I’ll never get. If you adopt name your baby whatever you’d like.

jasemina8487 said:

I don't think the fact they have been low contact is relevant. your bil lost a brother still and had a whole life with him before. low contact doesn't necessarily mean no love and he is grieving just like you do. he lost someone dear to him just like you did.

2nd, you don't even have a kid yet. and for when you do, you can listen to the advice you gave your bil and name your kids middle name after mark.

3rd, from the way it sounds you too are low contact with them, as well as rest of the family. so what's the issue here?

4th, "the idea of having another mark in the family"... then why do you want to name a hypothetical kid mark?

kaz22222222222 said:

YTA. It was his brother’s name and you can’t tell him he can’t use it. Even if they weren’t close at the end, it was someone he grew up with and loved, and he is allowed to honour that. If you aren’t close to them and rarely see them, why does it even matter? If your plan is to adopt a child, won’t the child already have a name?

And aymaureen said:

I’m sorry for your loss. But a sibling is allowed to honor their deceased siblings memory by naming their child after him. I understand the pain and suffering you’re going through, but you’re just going to have to accept this outcome and try to learn to live with it.

I hope you take the necessary steps to potentially deal with this loss like therapy or grief counseling. I hope you can heal from this. Again. Terribly sorry for your loss.