'AITA for refusing to call my partner's friend by her new name?' 'It feels more like a title.'
"AITA for refusing to call my friend by her new name, 'Queen?'"
My partner's friend (25F) socially changed her name from the name her mom gave her, to a name she chose for herself. She is cisgender, btw. Her name change is due to her wanting to reinvent herself.
And her new name, Queen, reflects how she thinks of herself and how she wants others to see her. Her social media usernames and profiles reflect her new name, and people she's met in the past few years call her by the name she's introduced herself as I'd be glad to support her in the autonomy she seeks by naming herself.
But my issue is that she wants everyone to call her Queen. Within the friend group I notice that sometimes her old friends slip up and call her by her given name. But you can see that it doesn't sit well with her, and that being "deadnamed" bothers her. Sometimes she'll politely correct, but not within larger groups. Sometimes her friends self-correct and call her Queen.
Since, "Queen" and "King" are used as terms of praise, reverence, and endearment, I am very hesitant to call this person "Queen." I simply don't feel that way about her. It just doesn't feel like a name to me. It feels more like a title.
I don't feel right calling my peer Queen. If she were to change her name to a name that means queen, like Reina, I wouldn't experience any unease with calling her such.
I avoid using any name to refer to her. If I do use a name, I try to say Queen but if I'm not in a good mood or if I'm annoyed with her, I don't bring myself to say it. I asked if I can call her "Q" and she said no, my name is "Queen." Perhaps I would feel differently if it were a stage name.
EDIT:
In the original post, I referred to the person as a "friend." More accurately, they are my partner's friend. I do appreciate the replies that address how a friend should treat a friend in this situation.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Straight_Coconut_317 said:
What if the friend had chosen the new name God would everyone be expected to call her God?
lostalldoubt86 said:
NAH - I can see where you are coming from, but I can't rightly call this person an AH for wanting a name they feel a connection to as a statement. I also think it's an odd choice and would have difficulty with it.
KBD_in_PDX said:
YTA - stop pretending to be friends with her and you won't have to use her new name. It doesn't sound like you like her much, anyways...and perhaps her new name gives you a "reason" to stop being around her. If you do engage with her, you should use her name, whether you like it or not.
Secretly_S41ty said:
ESH. She sounds awful, but she can change her name to whatever she wants and her genuine friends, people who like and respect her, will accept that. The real problem is that you don't like her. You think she's narcissistic and arrogant. Her name choice is just a public symbol of these personality issues.
Stop hanging out with her. Then you don't have to call her anything. You should call her whatever her name is, whether she was born with it or not, but reconsider whether you even like this person.
slackerchic said:
I'm going to break it down to you the same way I broke it down to my 6 year old: As long as it is not bothering you or threatening you, we should just let people live the way they want. I don't want someone telling me what to wear, what to call myself, how to act, etc, so likewise I try to give everyone else the same treatment that I want to receive.
YTA. Queen is regal, Roses are flowers, and Masons used to be a profession. Almost everyone has a name that means something. Harkening your own theory, should they all call themselves something different? And if they did, would you also have a problem with that?
sweadle said:
YTA. I've known people named King and Queen. And Jesus. And Doc. And Angel. You're not bestowing the title on her. It's her name. My friend is named Tanner but I am not saying he does tanning for a living. It's his name not his title.
You clearly dislike her so stop being her friend. But you're not doing her an honor or giving her adoration or reverence by using her name. People are named Honey and Love and I am not using terms of endearment with them when I use those names.
Would I name someone Queen? No. I knew someone named Chastity, and I wouldn't name someone that either. In Spanish I know people named Cross, Solitude, Sorrow, and of course Jesus.
If Christians can call their friend Jesus, you can call your friend Queen. Just call people what they want to be called. People have ridiculous names. We don't crowd source what names we do and don't approve of by refusing to use them.