'AITA for refusing to complete payments for my BFF's wedding after she fired me as MOH?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to complete payment on my best friend's wedding?"

"Amy" & I (26Fs) have been friends for almost 20yrs. We have literally grown up together, & until a couple of weeks ago I would've said our friendship was bulletproof. I would lie if I said we haven't had our disagreements or arguments, but we have always been on the best terms through it all & none of those have lasted more than a week before we talk it out.

Last summer, she got engaged. She asked me to be her MOH, I said yes & offered to pay for all the floral arrangements & the bachelorette party favors for her wedding (coming November). I have been very lucky to have a great job at a private HS since I graduated college so money has been no problem for most of my 20s.

The deal we came to was that the budget for the flowers & the favors was 4k tops & that we would put in on her fiance's card & I would make the payments. She made initial transactions for most of the things I "bought" for her during spring (abt $3700).

During summer break, my GF & I took a trip to see her family out of the country, so we had to quarantine before & after travel. This made it so I didn't really see Amy for almost one & a half months.

We texted here & there, & I didn't really notice anything weird going on because I have been so busy with the new school year, but a couple of weeks ago it dawned on me that Amy was hard on ghosting me & it had started to affect me.

My GF & my therapist recommended I ask her abt it because it wasn't healthy for it to be affecting me so much, so I sent her a text asking her what was up & she responded saying that "she was done with our friendship". That caught me off guard & I called her but she didn't respond.

I drove to her house & asked for an explanation & she basically said that our friendship consisted mainly on her doing things for me. Her coldness is what hurt me the most. She added that I wouldn't be her MOH anymore, I was uninvited to the bachelorette party & that only bc of our families being friends I was still invited to the wedding.

I asked her what made her be this rash & she said that it has been on her mind for a while. As much as it hurts me, I get her wanting a "clean breakup" & eventho I feel there's more she isn't telling me, it's not my place to pry. After that convo, I reflected on our friendship & I can recognize I did ask her for favors more than she did me, & even if I din't go about it that way, it's not my place to dictate how she feels about it.

I bolted off crying, & after a couple of days I apologized to her & she said she accepted it but her decision was final. I then told her that I get it, but that I would stop payments going forward. She flipped & called me "an ungrateful jealous b*tch" & that I should be seeing paying for those things as reparations.

My mom told me I had made a promise to Amy & that I need to see it through. I am sorry to leave 2500+ dlls in outstanding payments to her & her fiance, but I rlly don't know what to do. So, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

AprilL4163 said:

NTA. $4k is so far beyond a generous wedding gift if the friendship was perfect. She ghosted you after 20 years and still expects you to foot the bill!?! Eff that. Maybe you have asked for more from her in the past but you sound like a good friend to me.

She doesn't get to ditch you and then still have you pay for a large part of her wedding. I wouldn't bother attending either, who wants a pity invite. If your mom is so concerned with maintaining things with her family, she can pay.

Stoat__King said:

NTA. Im not at all clear why you agreed to pay so much for her wedding in the first place. Regardless, if someone explicitly rejects your friendship, tell you you are selfish, that you are no longer the MOH and still expects you to pay for them based on your ex-role as the MOH - then they are an idiot. Dont pay. Still unclear why you were paying at all.

OP responded:

I offered in the first place, basically bc I had the money and had saved up quite a bit. We had been friends for 20yrs at that point and was feeling very happy for her so i had a "why not" moment. I understand it isnt a "whatever" amount to agree to but at that point, I considered her my sister and didnt have a problem helping out if I could.

Fickle-Willow4836 said:

NTA. Why doesn't your mom have your back in this situation. She decided to ghost you. Would she have even told you that you were no longer her MOH if you had not of confronted her about it?

She also told you that you were no longer friends. Who would continue paying for someone else's wedding if they are no longer friends. Please don't go to that wedding and if you mom feels so strongly about it she can continue paying off Amy's flowers.

She later shared more info. in the comments:

Context post: thanks for all the comments and insights. I won't lie, I am feeling a little bit more validated and it doesn't suck to see people agreeing with me.

Some people question why I agreed to gift 4k in the first place, and I don't know what to tell you. I wanted to, I have the means and I love her as a sister. I offered it in the first place and they accepted (I know most people would).

As for more context, I had included all of this originally but had to edit to make my post shorter so I add it now:

1.) We both come from well off families.

2.) My relationship with my mom is not the best bc she is very religious and I am gay. She "accepts" me and we have a decent relationship but the only reason why she gave me the insight is because Amy reached out to her in the first place to ask her to "reason with" me.

3.) Going off that, Amy is straight, and an all around WASPy person so my mom definitely has wished I were more like her so it doesn't surprise me she took her side.

4.) A big favor I asked of her is that when I came out at 16 my mom kicked me out for a couple of weeks and Amy and her family took me in when I came to her for help. During that time, her parents paid for all I needed but I eventually was welcomed back home. Apart from that, the favors I asked were the "could you call me an uber", "if anyone asks you i am with you", etc, kind. Normal bestfriend sh!t.

As to what may have really caused her to make her decision (I also think what she told me is bs, tbh) I may know soon bc I have decided to talk it over a coffee as per her request.

I don't plan on changing my mind and won't beg for her to "take me back" eventho I am still mourning our friendship. If she was willing to do this like that, then I don't need that energy in my life. I mainly want the true reason why to finally be able to start the "moving on" process.

She later shared an update on the situation:

Before I get to the rundown of how that sh!t show went, a couple of things:

-Yes, I will look into building my credit. A gas card seems like a good start but thanks for all of the advice, I'll make sure to take it.

-I have an amazing support system who have stuck by my side including my brother, my GF and my bestfriend from college -who when I asked her if I asked for too many favors told me w a straight face " 'OP' I can't remember a single favor you've ever asked me"

Now, to the juice:

We met at a local outdoor cafe. My GF came with me and refused to leave my side and Amy came alone. As soon as we sat down, I knew she was gonna ask me for the money.

After surface pleasantries she full on asked me to continue w the payment and that her dad would reimburse me come his Xmas bonus. My gf and I had talked beforehand abt some request of this sort so I told Amy I couldn't do that unless she put it in writing for my protection. She scoffed and mentioned the reparations line again.

I calmly (as I read this outloud to my gf she said I def was abt to cry lol) asked her about what had I done that was so atrocious that I had to payback for. Turns out me always calling her to hang out, accepting her offer to dogsit before my puppy passed, and asking her to always call me a cab when UBER banned me (that's another story) was her definition of too much asked of her.

(God, even I had thought of more things to throw at my face but she couldn't even bother to make it believable.)

After some back and forth she finally said that it was because I had abused her into being my friend. I was surprised by this mainly because we met in 1st grade but she explained that when I came out I always made everything abt me and my struggle and woe is me.

This made gf livid so she intervened for the first time to tell her to watch her mouth to what Amy replied that "it's pretty obvious 'OP' dates you because you look so much like me".

At this comment it was pretty clear what many of y'all said: either she had always been a bigot or someone poisoned her with it bc OFCOURSE THE GAY GIRL IS PINING FOR HER BESTIE!! After this, I told her she was not my type, to consider herself lucky I wouldn't ask for my money back, and that ghosting and nuking friendships "just because" is messed up.

Again, left crying, kept crying on the way home and for a couple more hours. I blocked her and I kindly let my mom know that if she ever mentions Amy or anything to do with all this I would cut her off for good. I know the reason still is BS, and I may never know, but I am officially done with someone who can be so hateful.

As I lay in bed after hours of sobbing, a cold shower and coming to terms with the end of the longest non familial relationship of my life, my gf and i are looking for vacation spots for the second week of November for my brother, his gf and us with those 2K we now have in our "extras" budget.

I wanna thank everyone for their support and kind words. Some of you have really given me food for thought and I never thought my story would reach this many.