Someecards Logo
ADVERTISING
'AITA for refusing to cover my BF's expenses so he can save up to buy a house?' + MAJOR UPDATE

'AITA for refusing to cover my BF's expenses so he can save up to buy a house?' + MAJOR UPDATE

ADVERTISING

"I don't want to "help" my boyfriend buy a house."

I've been with Mark for 2 years now. When we got into a relationship, we discussed what we wanted (marriage, kids). But we haven't really talked about taking the next step yet. Mark's dream has been to own his own house. He has been saving up for it, but because we live in a medium-to-high COL city, it's not going as fast as he'd have liked.

Yesterday, he asked me if I would consider covering rent and utilities for a year while he aggressively saves. Frankly, I'm not 100% on board. I told him this. I asked him if he has thought about marriage. He said that it might be too soon (and I agree) but that he definitely loved me and saw a future with me.

I asked him if the house would completely be his own, or if we'd buy it together, and he said it'd completely be his own because we aren't married yet, and buying a house together would be risky. I asked him if he'd pay me back his share, and he said "eventually".

I have inherited a house from my grandmother in a high COL city which I'm currently renting out. I do not want to lose it, and when I inherited it, Mark and I agreed that if we ever head towards marriage, he's fully on-board to sign a prenup that ensures he has no claim on it. He stated that he'd include this house in the prenup because it'd be his own.

Here's my problem - Mark has not done anything for my grandma's house. Neither have I (the house was in perfect condition), I rented it out within months of finalizing the inheritance. But he literally has no reason to stake a claim.

But by covering rent+utilities, I will be providing monetary assistance to him, and if we break up, I'd have lost quite a bit of money for seemingly no reason. In a way, I'd feel entitled to a part of his house. Is this a selfish way to think?

I love him, but I don't want to assume this risk. Especially because our future together is not clear. I asked him if he'd consider moving in with his parents (and I'll find a roommate) temporarily for a year, so he could save up the money. This way, I wouldn't have to spend more than I need to, he'd achieve his goal, and we can still continue our relationship.

But he said I was being incredibly selfish and untrustworthy because it would be "our home", just not on paper. That I clearly didn't see a future with him. And now he's not talking to me. A part of me feels like this relationship is doomed. Is there a way to salvage this?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

So he wants to buy a house with your money (in part) but you don't get to own any of it? That makes no sense. How about you split the rent and you each save the other half so that you have enough money to put a down payment on a house together if you are ever ready to do it?

said:

Oh hell no! That's such a dick thing to ask of you. He sounds like a loser, I'm sorry.

said:

how much more does he need to save? A years worth of rent is what, $12K? He's going to owe you at least 12 grand and likely wouldn't be able to repay that very quickly considering he couldn't save that unless you covered his rent for a year... 12 grand is also not going to put a very significant dent in any down payment amounts, no offense.

Since you already discussed prenups, IF you do decide to go through with this agreement: get a lawyer and have them write up a contract. State in the contract that you covered X dollars of rent and that he's obligated to pay you back, or that you get that equity stake in the property, etc.

said:

Yeah sorry but no. Sounds like he wants all the benefits of a marriage. There is no risk to him here and that makes this an unreasonable request for him to make. You are 100% correct in refusing to do this under the terms he has laid out.

said:

Yikes. If you help pay for it, absolutely get your name on it. That seems like a huge red flag and manipulation. Especially him calling you selfish for wanting part of what you're helping to pay for. If he plans on paying you back then just say you'll take your name off when he pays you back. Simple as that.

said:

"But he said I was being incredibly selfish and untrustworthy because it would be "our home", just not on paper." Riiiiiiight. He wants you to help pay for "your home" just "not on paper" Red flag my dude, this guy is the selfish and untrustworthy one here, BIG TIME.

And said:

The massive balls that guy had to even ask her to cover all the bills for a whole year so he can save for a house. And then to call HER selfish for not wanting to do that??

Commenters agreed, NTA, and most called out her BF's selfish, red flag-raising behavior.

She later shared this major update:

After a few days, I proposed the following to Mark:

- I'd front him the money (instead of paying for his rent for 12+ months) he needed for the down payment on his house

- He'd calculate what % that money would be of the total cost of the house. The houses he was considering were in the $500K range. I would own that % of the house. Not 50-50 or anything - just the % I paid for

- If he pays me back within a year (without any interest), I'd remove my name from the deed and he'd own his house completely. If he doesn't pay me back within the year, he'd have to pay me whatever my % was worth a year down the line, if he intended on owning the house fully. Otherwise, I was happy to have a 10% claim on the house forever.

- So basically, if I fronted him $50K for a $500K house, I'd own 10%. I would charge him no interest for the first year. However, if he doesn't pay me back, then he'd need to pay me 10% of whatever the house was worth the next year. So if the house is $600K, he'd owe me $60K and so on.

- To be honest, this isn't that great a deal. Because real estate prices are nuts right now and are increasing pretty dramatically. So this is literally worse than taking out a loan. I proposed this in the hopes that he'd decline and we'd just go back to never having discussed this at all.

To my surprise, he immediately agreed and said that he'd get a lawyer to draft an agreement. Even though he hadn't finalized a house(!?). Well, okay then.

He had it ready in two days. He was incredibly pushy about me signing it, but I wanted to review the whole thing with my lawyer, so I didn't care. Turns out, there were some super shady clauses added, with my contribution being termed as a 'gift' and not a loan.

I'm not going to go into the details, but my lawyer basically said that this "agreement" was super problematic and would cause all sorts of issues down the line. He drafted an alternative and sent it to Mark.

Mark did not sign it. He was adamant that I sign the original agreement and wouldn't tell me why. He got increasingly angry, became kinda aggressive (which was the first time, and I was very surprised/scared), and called me a [b-word] for not trusting him, and for reducing our relationship to a transaction.

After two whole days of this, of emotional manipulation and gaslighting, I decided that I no longer trusted or cared for his man, and there is no way in hell I can continue to be in a relationship with him. So yeah, I'm out of that relationship y'all. And my money's all mine. All I can feel is peace.

Phew!

Sources: Reddit
© Copyright 2024 Someecards, Inc

ADVERTISING
Featured Content