'AITA for refusing to cut off my ex because our friendship makes my husband uncomfortable?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to cut off my ex because our friendship makes my husband uncomfortable?"
17 yrs ago I (39f) started going to a new local bar with friends. I quickly became friends with the owner (51m). We just clicked. It was great. Over a year later in early '05 we started dating. I openly admit I loved him deeply. It ended the last week of '07 because I found out he cheated. I was devastated. I went full no contact for almost a year.
Once I got over it I realized I missed the friendship we had so I reached out. He felt the same. We became closer than we ever were. It has been 100% plantonic since then. The only thing that might be considered inappropriate is he calls be Bea. Its shortened from beautiful. He has called me that since I've known him. That's it.
In 2011 when I was diagnosed with cancer. He went to chemo with me. In 2013 when his Mother and sister tragically died in a car accident I held his hand as he gave the eulogy. This is how close we are. Through all.of this it was never anything more than friendship.
In 2015 I met my husband (39m).Around the same time best friend opened a 2nd location of his bar so we didnt see each other much. Husband met bestfriend at his bar. Saw him multiple other times too. Never had a issue. I was 100% transparent about the fact that we dated. Still no issue. I had kids and was tied up. We rarely saw each other but talked almost daily.
Husband and I have 2 kids (3f 1m) and I adopted his daughter from his 1st marrisge (7f). Husband is a improve productivity consultant and is out of town frequently. I'm a SAHM.
Recently bestfriend hired someone to handle day to day of his bars so he could concentrate on the in vitro him and his gf (52f) of 3 yrs were trying. It was successful. He's beyond excited. He's been reaching out more to me because I have kids. Advice, opinions etc. Multiple times a day.
Last week bestfriend invited me to a impromptu lunch. Hadn't seen him in almost a year. I happily got the kids ready and went. Husband FLIPPED OUT. It was disrespectful and inappropriate to go without him. He was ok with friendship from afar but since we talk more now it makes him uncomfortable that I'm prioritizing a man I use to sleep with and I should back off and cut him out.
I'm shocked. In 5 years he has never hinted that it bothered him. They get along great. Laugh and joke. I refused. Screw that. You dont get to pick my friends. Its been 17 YEARS. Before this lunch issue husband has never shown controlling or even odd behaviors. We've had such a great relationship. This came out of left field AITA?
TLDR: my husband of 4 yrs, together 5 suddenly hates my best friend of 17 yrs who I dated over a decade ago because we had lunch without him. Wants me to cut him out. I refuse
What do you think? AITA for refusing to cut off her ex? This is what top commenters had to say:
inthepouringrain2 said:
NTA - you have been transparent about your past since the beginning and he hasn’t had a problem with the friendship until now. You may want to ask him what else is bothering him because it doesn’t make any sense that it’s your best friend. You’re both in committed relationships and have children. If your hubby is feeling insecure all of a sudden, try to get to the root of that.
But don’t let go of your friendship. I had a similar issue with my boyfriend of 3 years and my best friend of 18 years. I got diagnosed with cancer and best friend immediately traveled from out of state to visit. Boyfriend suddenly had an issue with him being around. Turns out the visit just made boyfriend feel like he wasn’t doing enough for me. Egos are fragile.
croit- said:
NTA. Here's why: "it makes him uncomfortable that I'm prioritizing a man I use to sleep with."
This isn't true. I know it's not because in order to prioritize a person it has to at the expense of something else. That could be your husband or kids, your job, your home... but it isn't any of that. There's no complaint that you're neglecting him or the children. Your job is as a homemaking and mother, neither of which are roles that are having their quality questioned.
So, what exactly are you prioritizing your friend over? If there was an answer it would be your husband's jealousy and in my opinion that would be a smart use of prioritization. Don't entertain ignorant actions by questioning your own judgement.
[deleted] said:
YTA. This story of yours feels very one sided and the way you are talking about your husbands reaction shows you may not be taking into account his feelings in this situation. Especially if you say they’ve gotten along great and all when everyone’s together. The fact you’re a SAHM and he only address’s you as beautiful would be a huge red flag for me, sorry.
And speckofdustwithanego said:
ESH am i the only one feeling like OP is really underselling the romantic aspect and bulking up the platonic aspect. yes he may have been there for you and you there for him for big events, but those big events happened way before you even met your husband.
it’s obvious to me that this relationship waned as you became more committed to your current husband, not sure if that was something you did, he did, or your husband did, but that seems to be the truth of it. Now it’s seeming like you’re home alone more since your husband is away, you’re bored, and have started emotionally investing more and more into this man through frequent phone calls and texting.
you admitted yourself you have not even SEEN THIS MAN IN OVER A YEAR, which speaks enough for the actual quality of the relationship, so why were you so ready to see him in person one on one( at least i think so? wasn’t sure if you meant your brought your kids with you), when you would usually spend time together in group settings or with your husband, as soon as your husband leaves for a few days?
i think you’re lying to urself and your husband is picking up on this details while you try to pretend they’re irrelevant. either way, you have suddenly decided to treat this man with the same attention as you had when you were single and childless, which would definitely be a red flag if i was your husband.
BUT ALSO everyone sucks because you shouldn’t have to “give up” the relationship if it’s truly as platonic as you say it is. your husband should trust you but you could stand to act a bit more trustworthy.
UPDATE:
Hol-ee crap this blew up overnight. I'm struggling to keep up. I figured this was the easiest way to update/comment so everyone could see.
The bea thing- my husband has known all along what it is from. He asked why does he call you B and I was honest.
Bestfriend started reaching out more, not me. I respond when I can. 3 kids keep me busy. We dont call really, haven't for years. Its texting. I am very much in love with my husband. I love our life.
Finally all the notifications prompted my husband to ask wtf was up with my phone. I showed him this. He's less than thrilled I put our business online but it prompted us to agree to discuss it tonight after the kids go to bed. Neither of us want our marriage to end. Reading all the yta comments made me see it from others pov. I want to work this out.