'AITA for refusing to give my daughter my wedding dress for her wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to give my daughter my wedding dress for her wedding?"

Hi! I thought I might ask here and see your opinion since you have helped someone with some similar conundrum earlier. I will definitely take your input in consideration. My(f45) daughter (f20) is getting married in a few months. She came to ask me about borrowing my wedding dress and I said absolutely no since it is my dress and I love it very much.

What makes me probably the ah is that it is something many women have done and apparently it is a beautiful tradition and mothers are often happy to do it. It is even an honor to the woman. But for me, I just can’t. I love this dress. I was the one who designed it and my mother, who was an excellent seamstress made it for me, looking at my wardrobe, this is the last piece I have that she made.

My daughter wouldn’t just borrow it either. She is much bigger than me and she just wants t use the fabric and alter it, irreversibly because she’s a size 14 and the dress is a 4.

Now she is angry telling everyone that i am cold hearted and that I hate her. My sister thinks a dress isn’t worth making a bride sad. I don’t know. I love my daughter to the moon and back but I don’t understand why she shouldn’t hear a no just because she’s getting married.

Even if she was the right size and wouldn’t alter the dress, isn’t it odd not to respect other people’s property no matter if that is your mother. Since when did mothers stop being their own individuals and only became caterers for their children?

What do you think? AITA? This is what some of the top commenters had to say:

Euphoric_Travel2541 said:

NTA. Your daughter sounds very young and unkind if she’s calling you names. She would remake your dress in a permanent way to fit her. It holds precious memories for you the way it is. You should preserve it and she is in the wrong to complain. If she were able to wear it without altering it, maybe but it’s still your call, entirely. She sounds like she might benefit from waiting to marry until she is more mature.

OP replied:

That’s a whole different story that I have no energy to get into💔 I want her to live her life and make something out of herself before marriage but that’s her call

Ok-Goat3688 said:

"Even if she was the right size and wouldn’t alter the dress, isn’t it odd not to respect other people’s property no matter if that is your mother. Since when did mothers stop being their own individuals and only became caterers for their children?"

Either this is a troll post or you have a problem with your daughter. As for the dress, you might love it, but what exactly are you doing with it? Starring at it hanging in the closet? Its pretty safe to assume youll never wear it again. Are you planning on taking it with you to your grave one day?

OP replied:

I have no problem with my daughter. I have problems with not accepting a no and respecting someone’s boundaries and feelings. As a daughter myself and a mother and wife, if someone told me no, I would respect that utterly. I am just astonished why and when this has changed

teresajs said:

NTA. The dress is your property to do with as you please. But it's also pretty much impossible to make a size 4 dress into a size 14 due the difference in material requirements.

And Thatstealthygal said:

I tried on my mother's wedding dress at 12 and it was already a little bit short and very firm in the waist (though loose as a goose on my then non-existent bust and hips!). So there was no way I could have worn her dress, even if it hadn't gotten mildewed. She had also kept her veil and the headpiece attached to it, and her horsehoes/garter.

If I had married, I had always liked the idea of using her veil somehow. Would something like that appease your daughter? Then you can keep your precious dress (tell her you're going to be buried in it, which is ALSO a tradition) and also let her have something that allows for the tradition of sharing to work. NTA.

A week after her original post, OP shared this update on the situation:

I spoke to my daughter and I told her about my love for my dress and the memories it brought me. My mother passed away not long after my wedding in 2008. She had hidden her illness from me and my siblings because she didn’t want to ruin my big day. I thought I could get through to her.

I suggested that we could meet up with the seamstress and make a similar dress and I could help with the embroidery since it’s what takes time and patience. She agreed. Friday when I was out, my daughter went home to me.

She has two dogs and they were with her. Anyway the dress was ruined. According to her, she didn’t see anything, she took out the dress to take pictures and she “guess she left it out” and the dogs ripped it apart. I was shocked when I saw my dress in my bedroom ripped into pieces.

I started sobbing but my daughter said that I was exaggerating like it was her fault when it wasn’t. She just shrugged me off and said to get help because I am being creepy. My husband asked her to leave. Next day she blew up my phone crying and saying that she was sorry because she thought that I hated her now because of a dress. I said that I didn’t hate her and would never do that.

I love her. Later, my sister called me to talk and she then asked me that now I might as well give the parts that weren’t ruined to my daughter so the dress could at least be useful. I agreed and my daughter came in the evening to pick up the embroidered parts. She stayed in the car while her fiancé came to pick up the dress.

I am not angry or anything. Just feeling terrible sadness. My mother’s memory is more than a dress or any material things. She’s always in my heart. I just miss her very much all the time.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

savageexplosives said:

Tbh, I think you shouldn’t have given her anything, because this whole thing just reeks of being intentional. She destroyed an item of great sentimental value to you and made you sad. This isn’t something you should just shrug away and your daughter’s behavior should have repercussions.

OP replied:

I don’t know what to do. If it was an accident then I usually don’t really think she’s wrong. If she did it on purpose, then what have I done to make her do something this disturbing? It is all me. Maybe I made it sound like I didn’t love her enough and I hate making her feel like that

**Mysterious_Tell7832 said:

I just read your first post where you mentioned her being a 14 and you being a 4. Thus even if you gave her the dress it would be destroyed as it is in order to fit her. She did this intentionally the dogs likely had nothing to do with it if all of the embroidery was left was intact. All she wanted was the embroidery to begin with and ironically that part wasn’t damaged. Your daughter is selfish.

As others suggested I’d make a ploy to have her return ALL the pieces she took and then tell her you aren’t comfortable with her keeping those pieces.

OP replied:

It was a mistake mentioning the size because even if it was the same size I wasn’t gonna say yes because I never agreed with the lending the dress thing even though many people seem to find this tradition very important and sweet. I love my children but I don’t believe that children are about boundaries and no means no in ANY case.

Instead I just got a lot of hate for “shaming” my daughter’s weight. I didn’t know being size 14 is shameful and not to be mentioned.

DynamiKat said:

Personally (as someone in another post mentioned.) I would have told her I scrapped the whole thing I was so upset. Then kept the embroidered pieces to make a mother of the bride dress. That entitled POS would have gotten nothing! You don’t destroy my property and get rewarded.

OP replied:

Many parts of the embroidery were ruined too. I think my passive reaction is due to me waiting a second to reflect on why my daughter did such a heinous thing. What pushed her? How long has she been harboring these feelings? Did I hurt her? Does she feel unloved?

These kind of things. I am not a weak woman. I am just taken aback and it can’t be only me who thinks that way. When someone has a very strong reaction, being so vindictive. You want to pause for a moment to understand why. Understand, not excuse. Does this make sense?

My younger daughter is talking about not wanting to be in the wedding and the bride is going mad about it. My husband is very angry too and has scolded her a few times. She is been crying all the time since.