'AITA for refusing to be the default host for every hang just because I have the biggest dorm?'
"AITA for refusing to be the default host for every hangout just because I have the biggest dorm room?"
I (20F) live in a slightly larger dorm room because I got lucky during the housing draw. It’s still small, but compared to the usual cramped rooms on campus, mine can fit maybe 4–5 people without everyone stepping on each other.
Over the past semester, my friend group slowly started treating my dorm as the official hangout spot. At first, I didn’t mind, movie nights, studying together, ordering food. It was fine. But it escalated so fast. They started showing up without asking, sometimes even early in the morning because your room is more spacious. They’d drop their bags, lie on my bed, eat my snacks, and leave a mess.
A few times I came back from class and saw people I barely knew sitting in my chair because someone had invited them over to wait. One Saturday I just wanted a quiet day. I was exhausted from exams and social burnout. I locked my door and put my headphones on. They tried knocking, texting, calling, then later accused me of ditching them when they found out I was inside the whole time.
I told them calmly that I didn’t want my room to be the default hangout anymore because I never got privacy. I said they needed to ask before coming over and stop assuming my space was communal. They got annoyed and said I changed and that it wasn’t a big deal since I had the biggest room and didn’t host any other responsibilities in the group.
Now they make passive-aggressive jokes like Careful, don’t breathe near her room, she might get mad, or She thinks she’s some VIP with boundaries. I feel guilty, but I also feel like I’ve been treated as a free lounge.
AITA for refusing to let my dorm be the automatic hangout spot?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Athena_212 wrote:
Dear OP, At your age where peer pressure is a normal part of one's experience, I can understand your guilt. While you feel guilt, I also want you to know that you standing up for yourself is an extremely courageous thing to do. You communicated your boundaries in a logical manner too.
It can feel horrible and isolating to hear snide remarks and comments from those you considered friends, yet if their behaviour causes you distress, you are allowed to have norms around YOUR physical, emotional and mental space.
I am glad and happy that you are aware enough to not only sense that your boundaries are being violated, but also communicate them and taking necessary actions. I wish you meet people who care enough for you to respect your well-being and you feel nourished by. Hence, NTA.
Charming_Acadia_728 wrote:
NTA.
People need to respect your boundaries and space. If you were claiming territory in a common area that'd be different but you have no obligation to have people treat themselves to your environment.
cynicallythoughtful wrote:
NTA- “she thinks she’s a VIP with boundaries” would be the last thing spoken to me. I would walk away and never answer again. But then again, I’m a middle-aged adult and don’t have time for this drama. Maybe in college you need to navigate this a little more elegantly 🤷♀️
Rikkitikkitavelbomel wrote:
True and deep friends can barge into one another's space without having to ask first. Because they know the other is ok with it. Of their friend sets a boundary for it for whatever reason, a true friend accepts without question. These people thought they were friends like that, but they ab**ed your generosity. NTA.
LackNo5171 wrote:
NTA and at this point I'd be rethinking these so called friendships because it seems like they're only friends with you for your room. They are beyond entitled.
recreationalgluttony wrote:
They're not your friends.
Cut them off and enjoy your newfound peace.
FaerieW15b wrote:
Ask them if it's you they like, or your room. Because it sounds like they only hang out with you for your space.
NTA.