'AITA for refusing to dogsit for my MIL's father’s funeral 9 days before my wife’s due date?'

"AITA for refusing to dogsit for my MIL's father’s funeral 9 days before my wife’s due date?"

My wife is currently 8 months pregnant with our first child and we are both very anxious about the pregnancy, labour and becoming new parents. My wife’s maternal grandfather very suddenly and tragically passed away a week ago which has been very hard on everyone involved, but obviously my mother-in-law the most.

We live near Reading in the UK and my parents-in-law live around 3 1/2 hours away in Devon. The funeral is located where my mother-in-law grew up in Birmingham which is around 3 1/2 hours away from their house and around 2 1/2 hours from our house. My wife’s brother lives on the Isle of Wight and my wife’s sister lives in a rental accommodation in London, so it is not practical for either of them to dogsit.

My wife and I have looked after my parents-in-laws dog(s) on several occasions in the past including for two previous family funerals and holidays etc. and are typically very happy to do so and have likely set a precedent.

We have a cat which we need to shut out of the house in the garage conversion whenever we look after their dog because they don’t get along, which I always feel a bit bad about.

We also have a dog (who gets on with the cat) and my parents-in-law have returned the favor several times looking after our dog for us, but we also have a large network of people who have said they will dog sit for us, and have got a professional dog sitter, which was a key part of our decision into getting the dog in the first place.

I returned home recently to hear that my parents-in-law had organized with my wife that they would come to stay with us two days before the funeral. They would then drive up the day before to help sort out the funeral and then come back to stay with us again the evening of the funeral and go home the next day.

They requested that we looked after their dog and went to and from the funeral on the same day so that it wouldn’t be left long. We would also temporarily host my wife’s brother, his partner and child, and my wife’s sister so we (everyone except parents-in-law) would all travel to the funeral together.

My parents-in-law said that if anything changed with the pregnancy ahead of time they would sort out alternate arrangements and not visit, but since it is unlikely that anything would happen during that time, we would probably be able to help them out.

I have messaged them both to explain and taken full ownership of the decision. In my opinion I feel that it was unfair of them to expect this of us. I personally think it is reasonable that given it is our first time and our collective anxiety around the pregnancy, that we are allowed to be completely unencumbered for the couple of weeks before and after the due date.

We would then if anything happened, or labor started, or even if we had a false positive, be able to grab the bags and head straight to the hospital immediately. The cat would already be safe in the house and the dog would be fine until one of our friends or family nearby came to collect him.

Their argument is that nothing is likely to happen with the pregnancy during that time, they don’t trust leaving their dog with anyone but family, and given the shock of her father passing away, it is reasonable for us to help them our since no one else can.

It is also a point of issue that they now live a long way from the funeral and would like to be able to break-up the drive and be able to set-up the funeral the day before without having to go back and forth on consecutive days.

My wife is also extremely house proud so hosting people would not be as simple as a roof for a couple of nights. She would feel that we need to clean the whole house just before their arrival and prepare meals for them. This obviously isn’t something that my parents-in-law would expect us to do, but I would argue that they know my wife’s thoughts on hosting.

Further info. My parents-in-law won’t use professional dog sitters, or kennels and they don’t feel that they have any friends nearby who they would feel comfortable dog sitting or taking the dog.

The disagreement has already deeply upset my wife and annoyed her parents, who all think that I am being unreasonable. I have tried my best to present this in an unbiased way, but no doubt haven’t succeeded perfectly in this.

If I’m being honest with myself I’ve been preparing to have to take a firm line with my parents-in-law after (in my opinion) they weren’t very respectful of boundaries put in place by my wife’s brother when they had their first child, so may have been a little too quick to anger about this. Thanks a lot.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Thrill_Junkie_Mama said:

NTA. A lot can happen in the couple of weeks before birth. In fact, your wife trying to overdo it to host them properly when she is that far along could very well help the baby to come early. I think your gut instinct is right to protect your family during this time.

Where you did screw up is not getting on the same page as your wife first and taking this straight to her parents. I think you need to go apologize to her and then be vulnerable with your fears and worries. Get her on the same page and then address the in laws together.

knitpurlknitoops said:

NTA. My son (1st kid) was born 9 days before his due date. The last thing I’d have needed was to be wrangling 6 house guests and pet territory disputes. It’s all very well then saying they can adjust things but babies don’t often give sufficient notice.

StrategyDouble4177 said:

NTA. Your wife’s opinion on this obviously matters and the two of you need to figure that out; however, sometimes we need our loved ones to tell us that we’re allowed to say no to family and prioritize our own needs.

You also know that getting the house ready for guests will be extra stress for your wife: does she feel like she HAS to host them and that’s why she agreed? Also, this sounds like it would be stressful for YOU, not just your wife. If she’s fine, is she aware of YOUR needs and feelings?

It sounds like in normal circumstances, dog sitting is a reasonable ask for your in-laws. But this isn’t a “normal” situation and you’ve got your own important stuff going on that takes precedent.

Your in-laws say that if they need to they will organize different care, which is great; HOWEVER, if they won’t use kennels etc, figuring out alternate dog care won’t be simple or quick and you’ll be stuck with a dog until it all gets sorted out. Imagine trying to sort of dog care if your wife goes into early labor?

Expensive-Test-4097 said:

NTA. It’s a huge ask normally but add that she’s pregnant. Your household will be going through a huge change so keep what you can as normal as possible for you and your pets. Curious - Why do you put your cat in the garage rather than MIL’s dog? They can find boarding.

lapsteelguitar said:

Your relatives are right that nothing is likely to go wrong. That does not mean that you are wrong, however. You are legit having anxiety about this situation. Stick you to guns. NTA.

HowlPen said:

NTA. Based on your comments that you did talk to your wife before messaging her parents. A “due date” is just the halfway point in what is really a range (two weeks before and two weeks after the due date) when it’s most likely the baby will be born. No one, expectant dads include, should have to play host to six people and a dog within that range.