'AITA for refusing to dress like a background extra for a wedding I wasn’t even invited to?'

"AITA for refusing to dress like a background extra for a wedding I wasn’t even invited to?"

A few weeks ago, I begrudgingly agreed to be my friend Ethan’s +1 to a wedding for some guy we went to high school with (not someone I’ve kept in touch with or ever expected to see again).

The wedding’s in early June—still about 3 weeks out—and it’s happening on some island off the coast of Massachusetts. We’re staying at a resort in Salem. I don’t love weddings, traveling without my own transportation stresses me out, and I was already pushing it by saying yes.

This week, Ethan tells me we “have to go suit shopping.” I’m confused—why? I already own a black suit. I’m a +1, not part of the wedding party. Turns out the couple sent out a literal color palette for guests to dress in—pale grays, taupes, and soft pastels.

They “encourage” everyone to stick to the scheme. No warning, no heads-up. Just a full-on vibe control memo like we’re extras on a movie set. Ethan wanted us in matching light gray suits with pastel blue or green ties.

I’m sorry, but I wear black, navy, maroon…maybe beige if I’m feeling wild. That’s it. I’m not about to spend money on a pastel-tied suit for a wedding I wasn’t even actually invited to.

I told him to cancel my +1 because I’m not going anymore. Now he’s annoyed, saying I’m bailing last minute and making him look bad because people were expecting me. He left me on read and said he would “talk to me when I was willing to be reasonable.”

We’ve been friends since Freshman year of high school and have talked pretty much every day since (we’re 28 & 29 now). But like…I didn’t agree to be a prop in someone else’s wedding photo aesthetic. I’m a guest of a guest. The wedding is still 22 days out. Surely he can find another +1 who’s down to dress like a decorative macaron. AITA?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Bears_in_the_sky said:

A wedding is not a summons, and you should've been told about the dress code sooner. That said, I can see why he was annoyed: he wanted to go with you, his good friend, y'all already have accommodations booked, and it sounds like you probably should just have said no at the beginning. NAH.

Taisiecat said:

I guess it's fair enough if you don't want to go but if you talked to your friend in the same way that you expressed yourself in this post then I'm not surprised he's not keen on talking to you. You maybe think you're being funny, but you're just plain rude.

Travellingone777 said:

NTA. But it's a beach wedding. Why would a suit be required? Wouldn't a pair of khakis and a white or light blue shirt work just fine? Even black pants with a light shirt should be sufficient. Also, not everyone will comply anyway.

mack_ani said:

YTA - it was an encouragement, not a demand. If you don’t want to wear that color, you’re not being forced to. Dress codes like this are meant to be fun. Your derision at it is totally unwarranted since it’s not even mandatory.

It’s not for the purpose of making people into props, that’s such a cynical viewpoint. Some people just enjoy dressing up for themed events, and the invites were giving those people information about what to choose.

NoEgg1480 said:

ESH - As a +1 you should be able to wear whatever, especially if the couple are only "encouraging" guests to follow the colour scheme. You wouldn't even need to be included in the photos. But putting that aside, you definitely sound like a bit of a d in this post. If you already didn't want to go, you shouldn't have agreed in the first place.

AndIDrankAllTheBeer said:

YTA. It’s just a wedding. Just buy a light gray suit which meets the requirement and is still versatile to wear to other events. Black is such a terrible color for a wedding anyway, it’s not a funeral lol.

Later, OP edited the post to include more information:

No, Ethan and I are not dating. We’re just longtime friends—nothing romantic. I mistakenly said “resort.” It’s actually a boutique hotel in Salem, not a full resort. Im not super keen on the details (obviously) and that’s my bad.

I found out about the color palette just yesterday (3 weeks before the wedding, 4 weeks after I agreed to go). Ethan admitted he knew about it earlier but didn’t bring it up because, quote, “I knew you’d be difficult about it.”

Renting a suit isn’t really an option because the color scheme is super specific, and I’m not interested in investing time or money into looking like a decorative macaron. They not only sent out exact colors to be worn, but advised on which store to get them from.

Why I agreed to go in the first place: I didn’t realize this would be a high school reunion vibe, and I thought Ethan might not know anyone else there. Now that I know he does—and seeing the whole vibe—I wouldn’t have said yes if I’d known upfront.

No, I don’t own a beige suit. I was just making a point that I stick to a pretty narrow range of clothing colors: black, navy, maroon, and yeah—maybe beige once in a blue moon. My current formal lineup is two black suits and a black tux. Appreciate the chaos and the feedback—y’all are as entertaining as you are opinionated.