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'AITA for refusing to dress modestly when my roommates have women over for dinner?'

'AITA for refusing to dress modestly when my roommates have women over for dinner?'


"AITA for refusing to dress modestly when my roommates has a girl over for dinner?"

I [F24] have two roommates I'll call Steve [M23] & John [M24] that I've lived with for about two years now. We all get along and the only life difference is that the two of them are both fairly religious and attend church every week together.

I grew up religious but took issue with the church for a lot of reasons, particularly with me coming out as gay. They have no issues with that and Steve even went to Pride in our city with me so I wouldn't have to go by myself.

Recently John began to talk to this girl on a catholic dating app and they seem to have hit it off. I've asked John if he'll be inviting her over and that I'd love to meet her if he's comfortable with it.

He shrugged it off the couple times I casually brought it up but earlier today he asked if we could chat. He basically asked if I would "dress and act more modestly" if he brings the girl he's been seeing over for dinner.

He said he didn't think it was appropriate for me to be wearing cropped shirts and ripped jeans if we're having guests over. I pressed him on it since we've had plenty of friends and even family over with no issue.

All John kept saying was that he really liked her and wanted to make a good impression with his living space and didn't want her to think he was living with people "that didn't present themselves appropriately."

I asked him if it was because I was gay and he hurriedly denied it and just said that as a 24-year-old woman I should dress more modestly when having company over. He wasn't even inviting me to the dinner they were making, I was just going to be home.

My usual weekend outfit is a cropped band tee with a sports bra underneath and high waisted jeans that have some rips from mid-thigh to mid-calf. There's no more than 3-4 inches of exposed skin of my stomach.

I told him absolutely not and that I wasn't changing how I dressed in my own home and that it was rude of him to ask. I stood up to go and John then asked if I could just not be around Saturday evening.

My response was: "f-k that, I'll wear whatever the hell I want and god can smite me for all I care." I just left him sitting there and went upstairs to my room. This request has come out of nowhere and it just doesn't sound like John talking.

That was yesterday and I've since heard from Steve that the girl is coming over on Saturday. He also mentioned that John had asked him to invite me out with him for drinks so he could have the place to themselves that night. Steve doesn't seem to know about John and I's conversation.

John has just been giving me the silent treatment and Steve is now asking me if I want to hit a couple bars Saturday night with his cousin. Which I don't feel against but I hate the way John is trying to just get me out of the house now.

I feel petty and want to just stay home but I know that's dumb. I've always had an ok relationship with John and I'm starting to feel bad for how I acted and am wondering if I'm making this into too big of a thing. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

waltzingtothezoo said:

Nta if Steve has a problem with a woman dressing casually in her own home, he should not be living with one. This is an inappropriate request. I don't think being asked to vacate the apartment for a few hours is unreasonable if he is willing to do the same for you. I would establish that I expect to be able to bring girls to the flat and have privacy on occasion if this is the precedent he is setting.

quantumspork said:

NTA, but it is also a reasonable roommate courtesy to give John some space and go bar hopping on Saturday if it interests you. Looking beyond the weekend, it is not ok for John to keep you out of your home or try to influence your clothing choices to make is new gf comfortable.

Own-Kangaroo6931 said:

NTA, it's your home, dress how you like. It would obviously be polite to not being hanging around in the living room in your underwear if you know there are guests coming, but wear what you normally wear, and most certainly don't be forced out of the building to "go to some bars."

Which, as you clearly know, is just him trying to get you to go away so that your mere presence doesn't offend his girlfriend. She going to meet you at some point wearing your normal clothes, what then...?

BunniesnBroomsticks said:

NTA, you should be able to dress however you feel comfortable in your own home, and if he feels that you reflect poorly on him, maybe he needs to find a different living situation. That's a sh$tty thing to say to someone.

That being said, if you have any interest in keeping the peace, go out with Steve for drinks that night. Let Pious John have the place to himself. And wear whatever you want to go out!

EnderBurger said:

NTA. Occasionally, roommates will clear out for an evening if someone has ... ahem ... a special guest over. Hell, I've done that favor for roommates on occasion, and roommates have done that for me.

But this whole "dress modestly" thing is sexist as crap, and so beyond reasonable favors for a roommate. Unless the three of you are hosting a fancy dress party or something else with a dress code, wear in front if his guests the same thing you'd wear in front of him.

Saraejulia said:

NTA. It's not like you want to chill in your underwear when she comes over. It's your home, and you intend to be fully dressed. Obviously John is worried about something and I guess it has to do with this biblical thing.

I get that you're upset and kinda wanna be home when she comes over, but maybe just go out with Steve and have a genuine talk with John after the date. Ask him what his problem is and that you also want to feel comfortable in your home, and feel like he's ashamed of you (if that's the case) and that it hurt your feelings.

JewelCatLady said:

NTA. It is your home, too. If he had simply asked both of you to make yourselves scarce so he & gf could have some alone time, that would have been fine. Bringing up how you dress at home? Out of line. Asking you to dress more "modestly" in your own home? Way out of line. Getting his other roommate to do his dirty work for him? Passive-aggressive bullshit and so far out of line, he might as well be in orbit.

I would NOT leave. I would NOT dress any differently. And I would NOT stay hidden in my room. If his gf is so offended by how another woman dresses in her own home, that's her problem. If I would normally be in the common area at that time, that's where I'd be. I'd be tempted to make sure I stayed within sight, and if he doesn't STFU about it, I would. Along with letting gf know what he asked me to do.

Definitely tell the other roommate the real reason he's been asked to get you out for the evening. And tell him you aren't going to change your plans for an uptight asshole's ridiculous request.

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