'AITA for refusing to do a father-daughter dance at my wedding? My dad was largely absent.'
"AITA for refusing to do a father-daughter dance at my wedding?"
So, I’m getting married in a few months, and while I’m super excited, there’s a bit of drama brewing with my dad. For some context: my parents divorced when I was really young, and my dad was never really around. He wasn’t abusive or anything, just…absent. He’d pop in randomly, forget birthdays, cancel plans last minute—basically more of a “holiday dad” when it suited him.
My mom raised me almost entirely on her own, and she’s honestly my rock. Now that the wedding is coming up, he’s suddenly super involved—offering to help pay (which he hasn’t), trying to plan things, and most recently, asking about the father-daughter dance.
The thing is, I don’t want to do one. I don’t feel that kind of connection with him, and the idea of standing there pretending we have this close bond makes me really uncomfortable. I told him gently that I wasn’t planning to include that in the reception, and he got pretty upset. Said it’s “tradition” and that I’m “punishing him for the past” when he’s trying to make things right now.
My fiancé says it’s my day and my choice, but some family members (mainly on my dad’s side) are saying I’m being cold and making him feel excluded.
I get that people change, and maybe he is trying now—but is it really wrong for me to not want to pretend we’ve had this beautiful father-daughter relationship when we haven’t?
AITA?
The internet did not hold back their thoughts on the matter.
GingerWhoDrinksTea wrote:
NTA.
He was flaky & unreliable throughout your childhood. Actions, meet Consequences.
OP responded:
Thank you, that really hit. That’s exactly how I’m trying to see it—it’s not about revenge or being cruel, it’s just about being honest about how things have been. You can’t just ignore the past because it’s suddenly convenient to play “dad” now.
r_aa_chel wrote:
NTA. It's your day...and he's making it about him. He has never been interested until just now?
You're protecting your peace.
OP responded:
Thank you—that’s exactly how I feel. It’s just frustrating because now that I’ve set a boundary, I’m the “bad guy” to some people. But yeah…it really is about protecting my peace and not faking a bond that was never there.
Most-Replacement271 wrote:
His guilt isn’t your responsibility. you should be able to look back on the day and be in love with all of it. not “all of it minus the dance i didn’t really want to do."
OP responded:
That’s such a good way to put it—“in love with all of it.” I really needed to hear that. I’ve been second-guessing myself, but you’re right…his guilt isn’t mine to carry, especially not on a day that’s supposed to be about love and joy. Thank you.
KaliTheBlaze wrote:
NTA. You’re not punishing him for the past, he’s demanding a privilege he hasn’t earned. The point of things like the father-daughter dance and walking the bride down the aisle is that they’re a demonstration of the existing ties of love and support. He never created those ties, so expecting to put them on display when they don’t exist is 100% about his ego.
masterchiby wrote:
NTA. Your day, your choice. He should respect that and especially as a sign that he has truly changed. He is acting so entitled when he has not been much of a father. On the side, you can actually let go of the past and give this to him. It might help your relationship with him.
But, It is up to you finally and whatever you decide to do. Maybe you should dance with your mom. It's not tradition but it takes one to start a tradition.
OP responded:
Thank you—that’s such a thoughtful perspective. I’ve definitely thought about doing a dance with my mom instead, because she’s the one who’s really been there through everything.
And yeah, I get what you’re saying about possibly using the moment to reconnect with my dad…but I’m still not sure I’m ready for that, especially not in front of everyone. I really appreciate you seeing both sides—it helps more than you know.
Legolinza wrote:
Honestly I only skimmed your post but that’s because I had my judgement from your title alone (and only skimmed to make sure the title wasn’t misleading). NTA. If an aspect of (the vast list of) the potential wedding activities doesn’t feel right to you, then it simply doesn’t feel right to you.
Anyone who truly cares about you and hopes you have the most wonderful day possible isn’t gonna try and force it.
If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right. It really is that simple.
What a bride absolutely doesn’t need to do on her wedding day, is twist herself into a pretzel trying to accommodate everyone else at the expense of her own comfort.
It’s your day, it’s supposed to feel right. Otherwise you’ll always remember it with a bad taste in your mouth
CoverCharacter8179 wrote:
Here's how I'd respond to the various criticisms (in your head at least, it's up to you what you choose to say out loud). *It's tradition: "*True, but that doesn't mean everyone does it. I mean, it's also traditional for parents to participate in raising their children, but you didn't, right?"
You're punishing me for the past: "Have you not noticed how life works? Choices have consequences. As in, due to your choice to neglect me for decades, we don't have the type of relationship where I want to dance with you at my wedding."
Making him feel excluded: "You mean, like the way he made me feel for most of my childhood?" I imagine at some point someone will also hit you with, "OK, so he was bad, but you should be the bigger person now and not try to get back at him." To which you respond, "I am being the bigger person. He's invited, isn't he?" NTA.
SadeEveryWordYouSaid wrote:
It’s also tradition for dads to stick around, participate in their kids lives and be a good role model. Screw him, it’s you day and you've decided it’s a no! We can say NO to men even if he’s your bio dad.