'AITA for refusing to financially support my brother because he keeps having babies?'

"AITA for refusing to financially support my brother because he keeps having babies?"

Some background: I (38F) left my home country 20 years ago and had minimal contact with my family for the first five years after leaving (we didn’t have WhatsApp or easily accessible internet back then). I have five younger siblings, including one brother, and I'm only close to a few of my sisters.

We were quite poor growing up, with a toxic stepfather, which caused us all to leave home as soon as we became adults (I won’t go into detail). Now, all my siblings are grown and married, except for my youngest. We have a better relationship now, as adults, and it’s easier to keep in touch with group chats on WhatsApp.

However, I feel like my siblings married too early. They’ve confessed they regret it, but are trying to make the best of it, including my brother. From the beginning he’s always said that his wife wasn’t his type. He said the only reason he didn’t break up with her was because she threatened self-harm if he left.

She ended up pregnant, and in my country, that meant they had to marry. Since she came from another island. She went home to have their baby with the family, and soon after, a forest fire caused many people to develop breathing problems. My brother didn’t have money for their flight tickets and asked us siblings to chip in.

I was in a better financial position, so I helped, even though I didn’t approve in their relationship. A few years later, my niece ended up in the hospital, and he didn’t have money to pay. I chipped in again. He used to have a shop that did well until he got married, then he lost it.

He told us he was going to buy a car (very expensive in my country, more than a mortgage) and become an Uber driver. I told him it was a huge risk, but he didn’t listen and did it anyway. Then 2020 hit, and he lost his job because there was no customer.

One day, he called me (I usually only talk to him in group chats, and only call one or two sisters because we’re close). I was surprised but happy because he showed interest in my life and asked about my life here. I started enjoying his daily calls and the new dynamic.

Then he explained he was in financial difficulties because of 2020. He’d borrowed money, used his car as collateral, and was going to lose his only means of transportation, which was also his only way to make money.

I was shocked but felt sorry for him, so I reluctantly lend him the money. It broke my heart that I thought he wanted a closer relationship, but it was a way to get me to help him.

Months later, I found out he didn’t use the money to pay his debt; he used it to live off of, for food and bills and as a result he’d lost his car and motorbike. Around the same time, he had another kid—claimed it was an accident—and couldn’t pay for formula. The poor thing had allergies and severe facial rash.

I felt sorry for them and sent money for a different type of formula that won’t cause allergic reactions. It felt like he and his wife didn’t take the allergy seriously and kept feeding the child things they shouldn’t have. He also told me he didn’t use contraceptives because his wife was allergic.

I even sent him money for birth control because I was worried about him getting his wife pregnant again when they couldn’t care for the two kids they had! Another year went by, and I was frustrated to hear his wife was pregnant for the third time. This time, he hid the pregnancy from all of us.

My other sister helped him an ok job that didn’t pay well, but it would keep the family going. He still occasionally borrowed money from my sisters because he couldn’t pay for his kids’ schools, yet he decided to have another one? All this happened two years ago, and I decided to cut him off completely because of his irresponsible choices, which affected my mental health.

Often I feel like a bad person because I didn’t even send money as a gift when my nephew was born, which is customary in our culture. But I feel that I can’t keep enabling his irresponsible decisions. Why doesn’t he listen to my advice, and when things go wrong, he expects me to bail him out?

A month ago (I hadn’t spoken to him since 2023), one of my sisters freaked out in the group chat because she couldn’t reach him. He’d lost his job because of a mistake, owing his boss a lot of money. He had no way to pay, and to our horror, his wife was pregnant with their fourth baby which triggered his mental breakdown so he ran away with my sister’s car.

He said he was starting a new life. He sold my sister’s motorcycle before another family member intervened and convinced him to come home. My sister was upset because she’d always helped him, even getting him the job he lost.

Long story short, his fourth baby was born today, a boy. I can’t help but feel sad for him because he’s an innocent child. My brother willingly brought him into this difficult world. They will have a hard life; they struggle for food, and they might lose their house.\

He’s already calling our youngest sister to ask for help with the hospital costs. He knows I would not give it to him. I feel so guilty but also so much anger. Am I the Ahole if I cut my brother off and never help him again financially?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

calacmack said:

Unfortunately he has a well established irresponsible lifestyle and he is unlikely to change - he even ran away when things got tough. Every time the family provides him financial support it increases the likelihood that he will continue to need it indefinitely, perhaps for the rest of his life. You are right to refuse to support him. NTA.

Only-Breadfruit-6108 said:

You’ve done nothing wrong here. Can’t keep throwing away money, life is hard for all of us. NTA.

onesixtytwo said:

NTA. Stay strong and don't cave or your will be an enabler and he will never learn.

Either-Market-6395 said:

My uncle is worse than your brother. A gambler, thief, never worked in his life, alway asked someone else in the family for money. He is now in his 60s and living off his wife's social security money. His wife was asking for help too from her family. Over the years, my uncle always had one crisis over another. It never ends, my friend! NTA.

gordiesgoodies said:

NTA. You don't owe it to him. You have to look after yourself too. You've repeatedly helped and None of it has improved his life. It all turns to ash in his hands. Paraphrasing Einstein, repeating the same action hoping for a different outcome is the definition of insanity.

PuzzleheadedTerm5182 said:

NTA. He’s a grown man. He needs to act like one and support his family. He actually sounds like my youngest brother who I cut off financially some time ago.

CaptainSnappertain said:

NTA, but holy crap are you his punk. I have half a mind to jump into your DMs and get you to send me money because you're such an easy target lol. Seriously, you've given him WAY more than you ever should have already. Wash your hands of him and his mess of a life and just be done.