'AITA for refusing to forgive my dad or speak to him after he left my mom for a 21-year-old?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for refusing to forgive my dad or speak to him after he left my mom for a 21-year-old?"

I (M17) live with my mom (46), my brother (13), and my dad (50). My relationship with my dad has always been rocky, and he’s let me down many times before, but this time feels like the final straw.

Last Wednesday, he told us completely out of the blue that he asked my mom for a divorce because he “wasn’t in love with her anymore” and had feelings for his 21-year-old coworker, Rebecca. For context, she just turned 21. We would’ve literally been in high school at the same time. I was furious.

My parents have been together since 2003. Their relationship has had issues, but this was still shocking. What made it even weirder was how impulsive and unlike him it was. He left the house the next day after nonstop fighting, packed his stuff into our car, and went to sleep in a parking lot.

The car and the house are both in my mom’s name, and he only had $18 in his personal bank account when he left. Then, the next morning, he suddenly came back saying he felt like he was in a trance, that “the fog had lifted,” and that he made a huge mistake. He begged for another chance. My mom thinks he was genuinely delusional and believes it may be tied to his health.

He had a severe case of West Nile Virus in 2021 that caused lasting neurological issues and personality changes. She’s choosing to forgive him and is letting him stay. I don’t buy it. I think he only came crawling back because the fantasy he built in his head wasn’t actually going to work.

My mom is the sole breadwinner and has supported us our entire lives. My dad has a part time job as a pizza delivery man, however his money is only used for his stuff (cigs, gas, etc.) I think he realized he blew up his entire life for a girl half his age who didn’t actually want him, and now he’s trying to do damage control.

He’s been trying to talk to me, apologizing, saying he loves me and wants to fix things. I’m ignoring him completely. I feel guilty sometimes, because I can tell it hurts him, but I honestly don’t think I can forgive him. This situation is just the most recent in a long pattern of disappointment and selfishness.

My mom respects my decision, but she clearly hopes I’ll try to work on my relationship with him again. I’m not interested. I still live at home for another year before college, so I’m just planning on avoiding him completely. AITA for refusing to give my dad another chance, even though he might’ve been mentally unwell when he made that decision?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

64Green wrote:

The 21-year-old probably didn’t want him so he blamed his actions on a trance. Your mom must be really gullible if she believes that story. I’d ignore him, too.

OP responded:

I don’t think my mom is gullible. I think she loves him dearly, has devoted 20 years of her life to him, has 2 kids with him, and wants to believe he’s a good man. I don’t fault her at all in anyway, regardless of if she continues to stay with him or not.

MTClarity wrote:

Trust is a fragile thing, once destroyed, it is almost impossible to get back. Your father thinks he can just walk back in and have everything the way it was and that is't going to happen anytime soon.

Don't kick yourself, you are not to blame for what happened and you are under no obligation to forgive and forget. That said, I do think your father's bizaar behavior is due to some health issue. He obviously needs to be seen by a doctor.

OP responded:

He has stated he is going to see a new therapist and psychiatrist. He already sees multiple doctors often, as he has a slew of health problems, including a neurologist for the lasting effects of West Nile Virus.

Chance_Culture_441 wrote:

NTA - he very quickly learned the grass is definitely not greener on the other side since no 21 y/o is going to be willing to completely support a 50 y/o loser (sorry if that is harsh!). He has let you down too many times.

I would suggest not trying to color your little brother’s opinion of him and let him form his own ideas on his relationship with his dad. I feel sorry for your mom- sounds like she is being used a lot and gets nothing out of it.

OP responded:

Thank you. I definitely will not intervene with my brother's relationship with him. As my brother and I are 4 years apart. Our early childhoods were very different, and I purposefully tried to protect and shield him from everything as we grew up. It makes me feel like I did my job well, knowing that my brother sees our dad differently than I do, and doesn’t remember many of the things I do

[deleted] wrote:

I'll play devil's advocate and say that YTA. the way you described it it seems completely irrational. It doesn't sound like he was having an affair, he hadn't planned his exit very well. You said it yourself, it felt completely out of the blue and "unlike him". You know better if his medical history may have played a role or not - you chose to mention it so you clearly think it's relevant.

OP responded:

I do think his medical history is relevant. This event was completely unlike him. However, as I stated in the post, this is not the first time he has hurt or disappointed me. He has been physically present, but emotionally absent, my entire life.

My mom was always the one who was there for me, showing up and doing things, taking care of me, etc. My dad usually would only do things when he was reminded or instructed by my mom. So this feels like the tip of the iceberg for me after a lifelong rocky relationship with him. I feel guilty, though, because he is still my dad, and I desperately want a good relationship with him.

Melodic-Dark6545 wrote:

Kid. Your dad needs to see a neurologist ASP, because this might be the first sign of a neurological condition worsening. The issue with the girl was just a fantasy he had so it seems he's loosing contact with reality.

OP responded:

He has a neurologist already that he sees for the lasting effects of West Nile Virus. I am not aware of the in-depth details of all of his medical issues; however, he has stated he is going to see a new psychiatrist.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

I figured I’d update since a lot has gone down since my last post.

Quick refresher: my dad (50) randomly told my mom (46) he wanted a divorce because he was “in love” with his 21-year-old coworker.

He left, then came back the next day saying he was in some kind of “fog” and wanted forgiveness. My mom decided to take him back, but I said I wasn’t interested in repairing things with him. Fast forward to my birthday trip, about 2 weeks after the initial situation. We were going to the beach with me, my mom, my brother, and my best-friend.

My dad was staying home because we have a lot of animals and it was easier for him to just stay than to pay for them to all be watched. I was actually really looking forward to it because it felt like the first time I’d get a break from all the chaos with my dad. Then my dad decides to drive seven hours to our Airbnb as some kind of “grand gesture.”

My mom claims she didn’t know he was coming until he called her while already three hours into the drive, but I don’t really buy that. The plan was apparently for him to stay the night, and she had already paid for an extra spot so he could come with us on the boat tour and dinner. So it’s hard for me to believe she had “no idea.”

Here’s the kicker: she wasn’t even planning on telling me. She literally wanted it to be a “surprise” that he just walked in the door. The only reason I knew was because she brought it up to my best friend (I’ll call her Jane) that morning. Mom says she asked Jane if she should tell me and Jane told her no, but Jane straight-up told me all she was asked was if she thought I’d be upset, and she said yes.

Later on while we were out, Jane told me what was happening anyway and that my dad was about an hour away. My mom got pissed at her for telling me. When I found out, I was devastated. I had explicitly said I was excited to get away from him on this trip, and instead it turned into this whole thing.

My mom was mad at me for being upset and kept saying things like, “it’s still your dad,” “you’ll have to get over it eventually,” and “he’s trying to show he cares.” She even tried to spin it like maybe he was doing it for her, to prove he cared about fixing their marriage by showing up for us. She kept saying, “well I feel happy he did it,” and I just felt like screaming because this was my birthday, not hers.

My mom said he was coming to give me a birthday card, so I was expecting a long thoughtful written card. He drove seven hours to hand me a card with two sentences in it. “I’m sorry for what I did. I will make it up to you.” That’s it. After all that, he stayed for maybe a few minutes, then turned right around and drove all the way back home because I was so upset.

There also wasn’t even enough room in the Airbnb for him to stay, so they didn’t think that through. That was mid July. I’ve gone back to talking to my dad “normally,” but only to keep the peace. I don’t want to, but if I start ignoring him again it’ll set my mom off, and I don’t have the energy for more fights. So I’m just stuck pretending everything’s fine when it’s not.

It’s exhausting to constantly have my boundaries pushed aside, and I genuinely don’t get how they think that’s supposed to make me forgive him. My parents’ relationship seems to be better. I am only viewing it from the outside, but they’ve been going on dates, been more touchy feely, spending more time together, etc. If they really did fix things permanently, I am happy for them.

My mom deserves to be happy. However, I feel that him changing his behavior doesn’t erase the things he did in the past. I don’t feel like I want a close relationship with him ever, even if he’s changed. AITA to not move on and forgive, even if he has truly changed?

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA, but you are being immature about this. Your dad didn’t do anything against you, personally. What happened is between him and your mother. You losing respect is just fine and if you didn’t that would be odd. You are stuck there until you leave home when you are old enough so behaving like things are ok is about the only way for you to live peacefully.

What you can do is continue to hold your dad accountable for his actions. Ask him, about the birthday card, promise / declaration, that he will make it up to you, ask him how he intends on doing that, exactly. You can see the effort he is making with your mother, but what can he do to make it up to you? Buy your respect with some shiny new object?

If that is his plan, isn’t that really a way to make himself feel better? Just what can someone do to regain respect from someone that has lost theirs? Time, good behavior, consistency in his good treatment of your mother is all I can think of. He can’t really make this up to you directly, can he?

Shame is what you are feeling and that will take a long time to fade. Forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go of the hurt, let you have some peace, let you move on with your life. Forgiveness is not an eraser for what anybody me has done, it is a way for you to heal from being hurt.

OP responded:

It's important to give the context that my dad has done a lot of stuff to me personally in the past, and this situation was just my final straw, not the start. I appreciate your insight on how I may be behaving immaturely, though, and I do agree.

I think the birthday thing hurt me so much because it felt like the one thing that was supposed to be about me got made about him and the whole situation that I was already trying to escape from.

Bear_Caulk wrote:

You're NTA...but also, because I see this talk way too often.

Your "boundaries" aren't being brushed aside here...or at least, not by your parents. Your requests and wants may be getting ignored, but your boundaries are about what you will do, not about what others do.

So a boundary for you could be "If my parents keep acting this way around me I won't talk to them" or "if my Dad shows up I'm leaving". A boundary is controlling what you will do if something happens, not controlling how others act. So you can't say "my boundary is that my parents are not allowed to act like nothing happened."

That's trying to control how other people act, which is not you setting a boundary, it's you making a request. We can hope or request, or demand people act in certain ways, but our boundaries are only about how we ourselves will act when presented with a given situation. So you can't control how your parent's act, you can only control how you will act if your parents refuse to behave how you want.

OP responded:

I set a clear boundary that I didn't want him to speak to me at all, and if he did, I wouldn't respond. I said multiple times that I wasn't interested in working towards reconciliation yet and that I desperately needed space. I felt like these boundaries were stepped on when he showed up at the Airbnb on my birthday.

anoncommenter1234 wrote:

You are not a part of your mother's intimate relationships. Same for your dad. He was apparently open and honest with her and they are working on it. Not your place to judge here. There is no affair baby. You did not even say he cheated.

You have no idea what was said between them besides what you were told. It is a terrible place to make judgement from. The fact your mother is trying to play peace keeper means there is more to this story than you are being told. YTA.

OP responded:

I view it as an emotional affair regardless. My mom said the same when it initially happened. He was aware that he had feelings for the coworker for months before he dropped the bomb on us. He was hanging out with the coworker and her friends, while he knew he had feelings for her.