'AITA for refusing to give my sister her dream wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to give my sister her dream wedding?"

Let me give you some context. This will be a wedding in a different country. Because it's at an all-inclusive resort, she says all guests need to stay on site in order to attend the wedding. She also says she needs me and my family (consisting of my husband, my 3 year old and 1 year old) to be there for at least a week.

(4 days before the wedding to help her to prepare, the day of the wedding, the day after the wedding there is a guest send off and then she needs me and the bridal the party to stay an extra day to do a "bride and groom send-off").

Overall, the cost of just flying to the location and staying at the resort is going to be about $9k for my family. This isn't even including any of the other wedding party costs (we are all in the wedding, including my kids, so clothes, alternations, etc). I'm guessing wedding party clothing costs will be about $1k for the four of us including alterations?

Then, out of the blue one of her friends, whom I've never met, contacted me and basically said that she understands that I'm an "older generation" and probably don't know how modern day bachelorette parties work, but the new norm is a bachelorette party trip (typically 5-7 days long).

She mentioned that my sister has always talked about wanting her trip to be to Paris, and that typically the MOH pays for the bride, lodging for the bridal party and activities. I haven't even started to price this out, but I'm guessing it's going to be another couple of thousand dollars.

Then my mom approached me to see if she and I are going to Co-host the parties. My sister has mentioned wanting a bridal shower (ladies only) and additionally a party celebrating them as a couple (either an engagement party or a wedding shower).

My sister's fiancee lives in a different country and, according to her, his family is not financially well off. She suggested a great gift would be to pay to fly his mom, step-mom and grandma over and to host them so they can attend the party. I have no idea how much that will cost.

I raised some concern about how this is going to be a large financial undertaking for us (we can afford it, but not without getting uncomfortable). I asked if there is anyway we could not come for the full wedding week or maybe stay somewhere other than the all-inclusive resort to save some money.

She said since her wedding is 10 months away, it should give me plenty of time to cancel the other trips we had planned and, if I really need to, I can get a job (I'm currently a SAHM). I'm going to have to cancel my 3 year olds birthday trip to Disneyland (she has been so looking forward to it), and my husband and I had a trip planned for our 10 year anniversary that will have to wait for another year.

She said she has already "given a pass" on going with her to look for wedding dresses. It's her dream to go to all the salons featured on Say Yes to the Dress, so she is planning on doing a wedding dress shopping trip to Georgia, New York and Texas (we all live in California, so this 10 day trip is cross-country).

I'm at a loss. I want to be supportive and realize that it's her wedding and she can do whatever she wants to make it the most fairy-tale perfect day for her... However, I don't know where to draw the line without seeming like a jerk. Is it bad to not throw the bachelorette party if I'm the MOH...and frankly, if it's truly a week long trip, I wouldn't even want to go if someone else planned it.

That's a long time to be away from my kids with no other childcare. Is it bad to put up a boundary and not stay at the all inclusive for the week? Maybe the night of the wedding if that is what is required for the venue to allow her to get married there, but otherwise find somewhere else to stay (it won't save me a ton of money, but a little might help).

She says because of reporter cartel presence, this would be dangerous and she wouldn't feel comfortable with us being anywhere other than the resort. Is it customary for the MOH to throw the bridal party AND a wedding/engagement party?

Just as a rough estimate, if I do everything that seems is expected of me, I'm guessing the cost of this wedding will be around 19k for me (9k to stay for the wedding week, 1k for wedding party clothes for my family, 2k for a bridal shower...

2k for a wedding shower, 1.5k to fly his family here, and probably 3-4k for the bachelorette party). I haven't been in a wedding in forever... Is this how much it normally costs?

She is already getting short-tempered with me when I brought up how expensive it is going to be, stating that I can "work like normal people" and then money wouldn't be a problem.

I always thought we did well financially (I'm a doctor but I've taken off since my kids were born to spend the first few years with them until they are school-aged, and my husband does well enough for us to not be financially strained...

But I'm always mindful of our finances), but is it normal to ask wedding guests to spend upward of $10k to attend a wedding without batting an eye? Maybe I've been living under a rock? I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a jerk. Any advice?

Side Note: She has a suggestion for a wedding gift for me to give her. Since her fiancee will be immigrating here after the wedding, he isn't planning on bringing anything with him from his home.

She suggests that, since he will need a car, I could offer to give him our new car (purchased last year), and we could take my parent's 20 year old mini-van. Then my parent's could buy a new car for themselves. She says I probably need a mini van anyway with the kids, and that he wouldn't be caught dead driving one, so this would work out perfectly. She is going to be mad when I tell her it's not going to happen.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

megamum2000 said:

WTF!!! Your sister needs to get with reality. YNTAH. I would respectfully tell sister to pound sand! If she wants a destination wedding then she can have one, without you or your family! You need to think about YOUR family first! Don’t cancel the Disneyland trip for your daughter, in fact I’d rather you spend the money on her.

Your kids grow up fast. Make memories with them whilst you can. Your sister sounds like an entitled Brat. As for her friend saying MOH pays for bride etc at bachelorette party, that’s BS. The cost gets divided amongst EVERYONE! Same with Bridal shower. Do not give up your car either.

mallout0fbubblegum said:

Girl. You are being railroaded hard. That is NOT the normal. If she lives in the land of Instagram and TikTok then I can see how she’s been lead to believe that but I can assure you it Is not. Don’t you dare cancel your already planned trips. Her presumption of your financial status and her right to it is staggering.

'

Just go back to work?! So you can indulge her Pinterest board fantasy? No. Are her friends able to make all these trips? I assume they are all young with no kids too..I can barely have time to write this post much less get my butt to Paris for a week because of mine. I’m flabbergasted by her lack of consideration for anyone much less you.

Background_Hope_1905 said:

NTA. And no these bachelorette trips are not the new normal. At least not without clear communication and consent from everyone, but let’s be honest the majority of us don’t have the wallets or time for a whole trip. $10k starting to go to a wedding is nauseating. I don’t even have that much to my name in my mid 20s.

I couldn’t imagine putting that much money to someone else’s wedding. As Charlotte says “don’t go in debt for your wedding”. The best part is it’s not even yours. And as my mom always says, for your sister, “she can get mad in the same pants she was happy in.”

Texas-Forever_ said:

“I am no longer able to be your MOH and will be attending as a guest for 2 nights. Congrats again and best wishes."

WelshWickedWitch said:

You would be insane if you accepted any of these demands by your spoilt sister. Cancelling your anniversary trip...and worse, your child's birthday trip to Disney that your child knows about?!!! Absolutely not. Your sister is trying to scam you, and perhaps others, into paying for chunks of her marriage, which would disgust me.

Personally, I would be blocking these "friends", refusing being in the wedding party (along with my kids/husband) and making it clear that you would "have to see whether you and your family are able to even attend the wedding."

Don't give your sister dates you are unavailable/available. Be evasive and block/mute the ridiculous demands - tell your sister no about the car, no about her OTT instructions for your family finances and time (especially her suggestion you get a job...tell her she needs to get a 2nd job and her partner, seeing as its their wedding).

Manyshadesofgrey2023 said:

Oh my God. She’s out of control. Nuh. And her friend is scamming you. Bridesmaids share the cost of the bachelorette trip.

UPDATE:

Thank you for all the comments reassuring me. I am glad I wasn't just out of the loop and was right about my feelings. After reading your comments I got the guts to confront my sister.

I told her that what she was asking for was unreasonable and I would not be accommodating these demands. She told me that if I loved her, I would do this for her. I stopped her as she started to whine by telling her I would be stepping down from the Maid of Honor position.

I swear her face turned red. She yelled at me, finger in my face, that I couldn't do this to her and I am being selfish. I explained that I could not imagine canceling prior planned family trips or leaving my role as a stay-at-home mom.

Both of these things are important. I offered to still be a bridesmaid but she told me that if I was stepping down she was banning me from attending. I felt a bit hurt and my mom was saying I should take back my words and make up.

Here's the kicker, though. As I stood up to leave, she crossed her arms and said, " still needs a car." I then informed her that there are plenty of dealerships in our location and to have fun. She called our mom sobbing telling her that I didn't support her marriage or some BS. Honestly I feel better knowing this is off my shoulders. I hope she comes back to reality after the wedding.