'AITA for refusing to give my sister a key to my apartment after what happened with my ex?'

"AITA for refusing to give my sister a key to my apartment after what happened with my ex?"

I (30M) live alone in an apartment that I’ve had for about a year. The reason I’m pretty strict about my space is because of something that happened with my ex. When we were still together, she had a key to my place.

After we broke up, she didn’t return it right away and one day she actually came into my apartment while I was at work to grab some of her things. Nothing was stolen, but it freaked me out realizing someone could just walk into my home whenever they wanted. After that, I changed the locks and decided I wasn’t giving spare keys out anymore unless it was absolutely necessary.

A few weeks ago, my sister (33F) asked if she could have a spare key to my apartment. She said it would be convenient if she was ever out late near my area and needed somewhere to crash. I told her I’d be happy to let her stay anytime, but I wasn’t comfortable giving out keys after what happened with my ex. I explained the situation and thought she understood.

Last weekend I got home around midnight after being out with friends and found my sister sitting outside my apartment door with a small overnight bag. She said she had been out nearby and figured she’d just stay at my place. She tried calling me once, but I didn’t pick up, so she waited in the hallway.

She immediately said this wouldn’t have happened if I had just given her a spare key. I told her I wasn’t expecting anyone and I wasn’t prepared to have someone stay over that night. I offered to help her get an Uber home or even pay for it, but she got upset and said I was being selfish and that it’s weird I’m so protective over my apartment.

She ended up leaving angry and later texted me saying I’m being dramatic and that family should be able to trust each other with things like this. Now some family members think I’m overreacting and that giving my sister a key wouldn’t be a big deal, especially since she’s family. I still feel like my apartment is the one place where I should be able to control who has access to it. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

CallingthatBS wrote:

NTA. She called you didn't answer so she just sits outside the door...girl drive) get yourself home. Your apartment is your space, you pay the bills, you are responsible for what happens there. I would not give anyone a key to my place so they can randomly show up to crash.

What if you had a guest you were bringing home last Friday. Upon arriving home your sister was just hanging out at your place...that's a big ole nope! She doesn't need a just to randomly crash at your place. Just because she's family doesn't give her permission to invade your privacy and your space. I wouldn't trust her in my apartment.

top-industry-7051 wrote:

Why on earth would you trust someone who is apparently incapable of saying, hey can I stay at your place next Saturday. Your sister was obviously intending to stay somewhere because she had a bag, she could have called you at any point before that evening.

She could have called several days in advance like a normal civilized person, or at the latest when she was packing that overnight bag. Since she is unable to manage such basic politeness I would never trust her with my home unsupervised, and would still be doubtful even if supervised.

Great-Internet4541 wrote:

NTA. Your space is your peace and your privacy. You have full right to determine who has access to it as well as when and how. Your sister thinks she demonstrated why she needs a key, in reality she demonstrated why she DOES NOT.

She showed an entitlement to your space, to invade your peace whenever she pleases and however she wishes. And when she didn't get what she felt entitled to, she went to family to try and pressure you into it.

Don't give in. This is your space, and your home, the only wishes that matter here, are yours.

Technical-Alps6235 wrote:

Ew your sister is a baby. NTA. She doesn’t respect your boundaries bc it interferes with her entitlement and convenience. Tell your parents, maybe they can get through to her?

But don’t bother wasting your breath trying to rationalize with her. Just continue saying “no. You know why I don’t give out spare keys”. If it persists, she pulls the toddler tantrum? “No. Keep asking my answers will continue to wittle down to no contact."

Particular-Row-2599 wrote:

Look. You don’t need to give her a key and she can’t just come whenever she wants. But at the same time it’s a bit dick to kick your sister out when she needed a place to crash. Idk your family vibes so not getting to involved- but like id let her know to call/text next time and wait for a response before showing up so you set the rules and boundaries. But maybe a bit harsh.

Critical_Arm_9509 wrote:

Not giving her a key is one thing, not letting her stay. That feels AHish. Surely she can stay and then you set some rules.

jonelamor wrote:

Do you not like your sister? I understand being freaked out by what the ex did but even that seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. But whatever yall weren’t together and she shouldn’t have been there without you knowing.

But why has that situation extended to your sister? I’m gonna say ESH. Because she shouldn’t pressure you into giving her a key but you should have let her stay at least that night and set the boundary in the am. “Not prepared to have someone stay over that night” sounds like something you say to a close work friend. Not your sister.

IANANarwhal wrote:

So she packed a bag and then unexpectedly found herself out late in your neighborhood?