'AITA for refusing to go on a family trip after my SIL had a meltdown while pet sitting?'

"AITA for refusing to go on a family trip after my SIL had a meltdown while pet sitting?"

My husband (30M) and I (25F) just got back from a long overseas trip to see family and celebrate me finishing my master’s degree. We left our pets (a dog and a cat) with my sister-in-law (25F), who offered to look after them. We made sure she had everything she needed (food, train tickets, we paid for any groceries, and of course all the usual stuff like water and heating and wifi).

She's unemployed at the moment so she was going to look for jobs while watching the pets. She wasn't paid, but did get all the above. I'm well aware she was doing us a huge solid. Three days into the trip, during a dinner with my parents to celebrate my degree, my husband got a call from her having a full-blown panic attack.

She said she couldn’t cope walking the dog because he “pulls on the lead,” which causes "decision paralysis," that she was overwhelmed, and that she didn’t know what to do. It escalated to the point where my in-laws got involved and offered to drive a four-hour round trip to our house to rescue her and take the pets to their house.

We were completely blindsided. She had been sending normal messages up until then, so to find out she was falling apart was shocking. We ended up calling our cleaner and paying her around $200 to come twice a day to walk the dog and check on the pets just to make sure they were safe.

I was heartbroken and furious. These are living, breathing animals we love deeply, and we were thousands of miles away unable to do anything. The situation ruined what should have been a really special night for me. What made it worse was that she let things get so bad before saying anything. If she had told us earlier she was struggling, we could have made a plan. Instead, she waited until it was a full crisis.

She’s never apologized to me, only gave my husband a vague “sorry.” I know she struggles with her mental health, and I do sympathize. When we got back, we had a call with my in-laws to talk about what happened.

They completely dismissed it. They said it was just “a bit of anxiety” and acted like what she did was totally normal. When my husband tried to explain how stressful it was for us, they bulldozed over him, defended her, and basically made him feel like the problem.

This is a pattern. His parents always defend their other kids and baby them, but when it comes to him, they’re dismissive and unsupportive. Usually I keep out of it, but this time their behavior directly affected me, and I’m honestly still so hurt.

Now his mum’s 60th birthday is coming up in 2 months and and the whole family is going on a six-day trip abroad to celebrate. I told my husband I don’t want to go. I feel too raw and too hurt to spend almost a week pretending everything is fine with people who showed zero empathy and made us feel like we were overreacting.

He thinks I’m being unfair and that skipping the trip will cause more drama. AITA for refusing to go on the family trip after everything that happened?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Traveler691 said:

Tell them you’re experiencing "decision paralysis" and aren’t sure whether you’re going to go or not.

Fun_Skirt8220 said:

NTA because someone has to stay home and watch the pets. It was stressful for your animals last time and you don't want to subject them to that again so soon. You hope they have a great trip!

Adventurous-Bee4823 said:

What in the world is “decision paralysis?" NTA. If the sister has that much anxiety walking a dog, she should be medicated. All dogs pull on leashes.

Appropriate_Sky_6571 said:

NTA. I’m probably an AH but what the heck is decision paralysis for walking a dog??? I feel like people use “mental health” as an excuse to be jerks. As a pet parent, it’s so frustrating to come up with last second pet care. I completely understand not wanting to go through that again.

Heavy-Equipment8389 said:

ESH and I really mean everybody. The sister because she is overwhelmed when a dog pulls on a leash. If it's that bad the sister must be aware of it and she shouldn't have offered petsitting. The parents because they dismissed it. I can understand the desire to baby their daughter, but they should acknowledge that this isn't normal and that you're allowed to be stressed by this.

And you because you now refuse to go on a joint trip to punish the parents. You're also punishing your husband and endangering his relationship with his parents. You're overreacting to the way they defended and excused their daughter. Their behavior is less an attack on you than a need to baby their daughter and make things seem more normal and better than they really are.

Enough-Process9773 said:

NTA. You don't need to explain why. "No" is a complete sentence.

opine704 said:

Obviously you have to stay home since you don't have a regular pet sitter. (And your last one flaked out). Tell DH to go - if your finances can support it. You don't have to make a big deal. Just say you're having trouble finding a pet sitter so you'll stay home. End of story. NTA.

bizianka said:

ESH. You all are overreacting. She should not agree to pet sit if she'd can't handle your dogs, but you act like she was torturing your dogs.