'AITA for refusing to go out drinking with my friends and ducking their hangouts?'
"AITA for refusing to go out drinking with my friends and 'ducking' their hangouts?"
I have a group of friends I’ve known for a while. For the past 2–3 months, they’ve been regularly asking me to go out drinking with them. The issue is that I don’t really drink, I don’t enjoy being around drunk people, and I definitely don’t enjoy being the only sober one babysitting everyone else.
To me, going out and getting wasted doesn’t sound fun or like a good way to bond. I’ve said no multiple times for this reason. Two other friends in the group were also uncomfortable with this kind of hangout, but they eventually gave in and go occasionally due to pressure.
One of my close friends feels the same way I do about drinking culture, even on events like New Year’s Eve. Since she stopped going, she’s basically stopped receiving invitations altogether. Meanwhile, I’m still being asked repeatedly.
Now they’re pushing especially hard for New Year’s Eve. I already have plans that day, so I told one of my friends no again. He got really angry and accused me of always ducking out of hangouts and avoiding the group. From my perspective, I’m not avoiding them, I’m avoiding an activity I don’t enjoy and have been clear about.
I feel like I’m being pressured into something I’m uncomfortable with, but now I’m wondering if I’m being unfair or a bad friend by not showing up.
AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ShipComprehensive543 wrote:
NTA - you are absolutely right about most drinkers. Not fun when you are sober. Just say, dude, I have plans, sorry, how about we meet up for breakfast or brunch the next day and you can tell me all about it. Trust me, they will decline...and you can say the same thing back to them.
Spiritual_Promise75 wrote:
NTA. But if your friends drink at every activity and you don't, maybe you need to reconsider the relationship in general. Find friends who don't drink. But there are also ways to manage it. Like accept the invitation and go.
Stay for a couple of hours. When they start to get wasted, leave and go home. Not every activity with friends has to be an all night event. That way you still get to keep in touch and enjoy their company when they're not completely wasted.
kittysdaughter wrote:
You seem irritated that they are repeatedly inviting you to do something you don’t want to do. A simple “no, thank you” is all that’s required. However, if you like these people, why aren’t you taking the initiative to invite them to activities that you do enjoy?
Hang out at the park with games, going to the movies, an afternoon at the zoo, lunch at a restaurant without a bar - whatever you enjoy. If all they enjoy is drinking, just keep saying “no” and eventually they’ll stop inviting you.
CreativeAdeptness4777 wrote:
I was you about 25 to 28 years ago, when I was like 18 to 20. I allowed myself to be dragged along on boozy evenings and I'd be the only one holding back not getting drunk because alcohol tastes foul and I have no desire to get drunk. I went along because friend group... and I hated it.
The booze was often accompanied by light drug use which I also hated. I also also hated the continuous pressure they'd put on me to try this or smoke that or whatever, and I always refused and explained I wasn't interested but would try to go along otherwise because friend group.
And I hated it. And I started to hate them because of it. And I started to not like myself all too much for letting myself get surrounded by and involved in any of it. Every weekend or whatever was time absolutely wasted trying to fit in with others' ideas and ideals of 'fun', time spent growing more resentful and darker.
One weekend evening I just said "screw it" to myself and left wherever it was we were at and made my way home and haven't spoken to any of them since. Writing was already on the wall for that and I think we all knew it. Best thing I ever did. I'd rather be on my own. Some people are just not compatible. Is what it is.🤷
workerplacer wrote:
NTA. From their mindset, you are refusing to hangout, period. Going out and having a drink is so intertwined with socializing that they don’t even realize how shitty this context can be for someone who doesn’t drink at all. It’s really not for everyone, and it gets old pretty fast. Being the designated driver one out of four times is fine, but babysitting is not fun.
These friendships might fade away unfortunately. Some of them at least, but to be honest, that happens no matter what, so stay true to yourself. One compromise you may want to consider is to simply go once in a while, and leave early! The conversation is usually more grounded early on before the booze kicks in.
They may call you boring or whatever but deep down if they are your friends, they will absolutely understand and respect your choices, and hopefully appreciate your efforts. Just make sure no one is counting on you for a ride home, or vice-versa. Don’t get trapped.
peakerforlife wrote:
NTA. Tell them plainly that you're happy to hang out with them when they're not drinking, but you're just not into drinking and hanging out with drunk people anymore. Drunk people are a lot less fun when you're not drinking, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be around them. It sounds like you're just outgrowing your old friends. It sucks, but it's part of life. ❤️
Weiguy wrote:
NAH, but make sure you communicate clearly and respectfully that you want to hang out with them, but that the activity isn't for you.
Invite them to do something you want to do.
Otherwise, everyone will just get frustrated and you'll lose friends.