'AITA for refusing to help my daughter when her car broke down?' 'She's an adult.'
"AITA for refusing to help my daughter when her car broke down?"
My daughter and I had plans to visit a wedding venue that was an hour away. Two hours before we were supposed to leave, she called saying her car broke down, and she believed it was a battery issue. She asked my husband and me to come help. She was a 30-minute drive away, but her fiancé was only a couple of miles from her.
My husband called her, confirmed it was a battery issue, and told her to call her fiancé since he was much closer. However, she wasn't talking her fiancé due to drama the night before and she didn’t want to reach out to him. We didn’t want to get involved in their drama, and my husband felt that her fiancé should be the one handling it, not us, since he's supposed to be the man of the house.
Hours passed, and we couldn’t reach her. Eventually, we called her fiancé, who said she never reached out to him and he also could not reach her. Later, we found out that her phone had died at the location, leaving her stranded for a couple of hours before she got help.
After everything, I sent her a text saying I hoped she got everything worked out and that we loved her, but she hasn’t responded. According to her fiancé, she’s upset because she feels that, regardless of her age or relationship status, if she calls us for help, we should be there for her.
From our perspective, she’s an adult who could have handled the situation by calling her fiancé, and we didn’t see a reason to disrupt our day to drive 30 minutes for something he could have resolved in ten. We also don’t like getting involved in her drama. AITA for not going to help her?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
rockology_adam said:
YTA. You broke your bond with your daughter over the "not get into her drama" thing, which I understand but need to qualify (below). As for the use of your time in general...the defining factor here is that you were planning to give your afternoon to your daughter anyway.
Second point first, but the idea that her fiancé was more available because he was closer is a false equivalency. You were planning to see your daughter on this day. You had plans specifically with her for a few hours later. If you had plans at the moment she contacted you, a doctor's appointment or your car was getting an oil change or something, then sure...
You're not actually available to her at that moment, but unless those things were true, you were really only an hour or two early on seeing your daughter that day. The level of imposition here is so minor that even if you weren't her parent, it's possible you would have been the more likely person to help her.
But that's not actually important here. When it comes to drama with one's partner, there should only be one group of people that we can expect to be on our side, and that's our family, our parents in particular.
You're right, she's an adult, and she should have been able to handle this on her own or with her fiancé's help, but there's also nothing preventing you from being helpful here. What if that drama had been serious? What if her circumstances wherever she was turned serious? This was a petty and selfish refusal to help, and complete A-holery.
NotCreativeAtAll16 said:
YTA. If my daughter called me for help, I would help her, regardless of whether I think someone else "should" be the person to help her instead. You just taught you our that you are all about foisting her off onto another person and that she can't rely on you for help.
dryadduinath said:
YTA. Look, I don’t know that she should be getting married, based on how this went, but you have no excuse. It was a thirty minute drive. You had plans with her that day. Would driving over to help your daughter make you late to meet your daughter at her potential wedding venue?
Was that the logic? Because that is nonsense. And no, it is not more logical for her to call her fiance, because her plans, as you well know, were with you. Why should he interrupt what he was doing when you already had plans with her?
SaltandLillacs said:
YTA, Your daughter asked for help but instead both of you wanted “the man of the house” to deal with it. A lot of things can go wrong as when without a working car and no phone. How did she even get home or in contact with her “man of the house?"
essays4sale said:
YTA, 30 minutes isn’t close. She clearly called you because she felt you’re the safest option, let’s think about it this way: if something happened to her while she was stuck would you feel guilty? Think about the what ifs and how it could’ve gone horrible.
PolishedStones241719 said:
YTA I am glad you are not my mother you sound like a bad one. As her parents you are supposed to have her back. All you did was show her she can't depend on you for anything. Supposed she had been kidnapped and God forbid something else happened to her, you would be kicking yourself for the selfish choice you made.