Wedding snub leads to friend refusing to help with honeymoon, sparking conflict. AITA? UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to help a friend who didn’t invite me to their wedding?"
EntertainerKey8563
For about 11 years now, I've (37M) been pretty close with [let’s call him] John (38M). We met at a job in my mid 20s and were pretty regular company up until the pandemic, where our hanging out (including a circle of mutual friends) has taken a decline but isn’t extinct.
John and his partner [let’s call her] Jane (36F) have been together for about 8 years now, engaged for a little under 2 years, both with a child from previous relationships, so they have taken trips with their kids near-yearly, and I’ve been happy to help visit John’s (now their) home and check on things, take care of their animals, etc while they're gone.
I’ve helped them out with other projects/tasks over the years and most recently picked up Jane from the airport returning from a work-trip and got her home this past winter during a snowstorm because my vehicle could handle it. Generally, I have been present and helpful on top of our base friendship.
About 5 weeks ago, I find out from a mutual friend their wedding is coming up, and invites went out a while ago, everyone in our circle but me invited. As a gay guy, I’ve experienced being iced-out of some of my straight friends’ lives and events in ways minor and pronounced, but this one has definitely been something that has had me thinking about my time and energy with people.
I decided I would take the hint and begin to distance myself. Three days ago, John texts me asking if I am around in early-to-mid August. I say I am. John asks if I wouldn’t mind visiting like I have before to look after the animals and property, I said “sorry, I can’t.”
He calls to talk about it. We run through the same conversation, polite but a bit tense, so I finally say “I just won’t be visiting your home.” After a moment of silence, I bring up that I’m disappointed that I appear to be the only person in our group of friends not invited to his wedding, and that I can't be helping like I have before if I’m just a background friend at this point.
I wrap up the call positively and sincerely with me wishing them a good wedding and trip, and that maybe we can grab drinks soon. Jane reaches out two days ago sending follow up texts saying John is upset about what I said and with her because she made the final calls about friend invites, and that I am taking this the wrong way.
She said there is only so much capacity and that the others in our friend group have partners that took up space. She adds that she hopes I’ll change my mind and help out them out because it would put John’s mind at ease.
I’m not entitled to the company of others or invitations to anybody’s events, but am I wrong for setting my own boundaries in response to theirs? I try not to frame my friendships as transactional, but they obviously want something out of me here despite their not inviting me and then avoiding even bringing it up with me until they needed help with covering their honeymoon.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Peony-Pony
NTA
"Jane reaches out two days ago sending follow up texts saying John is upset about what I said and with her because she made the final calls about friend invites, and that I am taking this the wrong way, there is only so much capacity and that the others in our friend group have partners that took up space."
What a bogus excuse. If your "friends" need someone to check up on their animals and property when they are on their honeymoon after a wedding you weren't invited to they can ask another friend or family member. The audacity of some people astounds me. I am believer in putting the same energy into a friendship as you experience.
Theb OP responded here:
EntertainerKey8563
I don't pretend to be super savvy about wedding etiquette and I realize every wedding is different and lines have to be drawn about who can come or not, but yeah, my mutual friend reaching out to me to coordinate plans for our friend group during the weekend of the wedding to find out I wasn't invited definitely stung and felt awkward, and my friend was in disbelief as well.
Handknitmittens
NTA. This sounds like a really one sided friendship and that they are taking your friendship for granted. Why would you keep putting time and energy into them?
The OP again responded here:
EntertainerKey8563
Like I said, we've been pretty close up until now, and I've happened to have the availability when they need it often enough where we've been close enough before that I didn't mind or feel taken advantage of.
John's helped me as well in the past, and try not to hold other people's lives and familial commitments against them, but I was trying to paint a concise picture (given the character limit) of being (I thought) close.
This situation, like I said, definitely changed my perspective given the other friends invited, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't making their wedding about me. They approached me after excluding me. So far people seem to agree, which I'm relieved about.
Powerful-Software537
Let's call a spade a spade here. Jane's excuse is flimsy.
And because her excuse is so flimsy I think she's just a homophobe. Are you John's only gay friend?
FuzzyMom2005
NTA. You're good enough to be their house sitter. But sure, everyone else's "plus one" took up all the slots. Right. And I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale. We all know what Jane's issue is. And we know John has zero backbone for going along with it.
But don't be surprised if an invite suddenly appears. "Oh, look, someone dropped out and we really do want you to come. You're only on our D-list. Don't forget the gift! And you can still watch the house now, right?"
hvlochs
NTA. Not even a little bit. And then to ask for help like it’s no big deal. SMH
What did your friend group have to say about it?
Again, the OP responded:
EntertainerKey8563
Definitely some surprise. The only reason I found out was because one of them, who lives a bit further away, reached out initially trying to coordinate some plans/get-togethers around the weekend of the wedding, assuming I'd been invited since me and John were close. I've let him follow up with the others, as I didn't want to interject so close to the wedding and make it about me.
FoxySlyOldStoatyFox
NTA. People hate confrontations. People hate being called out. People hate admitting to themselves that they are mangy old bigots. How you proceed from here is up to you (I have a view but you don’t ask for suggestions). But clearly they don’t consider you their friend and you don’t owe either of them your kindness.