'AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her dream wedding? I already secretly lent her money.'

"AITA for refusing to help my sister pay for her dream wedding after I secretly lent her money for an abortion?"

I (28F) have always been close with my younger sister, "E" (25F). We've been through a lot together, our parents divorce, moving back and forth between houses, helping each other through breakups, family drama, you name it. I've always seen myself as her protector.

About a year ago, E came to me in tears. She had just found out she was pregnant. She and her fiancé, "M" (26M), weren't in a good place financially, and she made it clear she didn't want to keep the pregnancy and she didn't want M to know. She was terrified it would mess up their relationship or that he would leave her if he found out.

She asked if I could help her cover the cost of an ab#$tion because she didn't have access to her own savings without M noticing. After a long, tearful conversation, I agreed and lent her $1,200. She promised she would pay me back, maybe not right away, but as soon as she could. I told her okay and that i trusted her and left it at that.

Fast forward eight months. E and M are now planning a massive, expensive wedding, fancy venue, designer dress, open bar, live band, the works. I was honestly happy for her; she seemed excited, and I was glad she felt like her life was back on track.

Then last week, she asked if I could chip in a few thousand dollars to help cover wedding costs. She said, It's not just about the money, it's about family supporting each other on the most important day of her life. I was stunned. I gently reminded her she still hasn't paid me back and she immediately got defensive and said that was a totally separate situation and that I was being petty bringing it up.

She argued that I offered to help back then, but now I was holding it over her head when this was supposed to be a joyful time. I tried to explain that it wasn't about punishment, but that I'm not rolling in money either and it feels wrong to give even more when she hasn't even honored her promise that she made.

But she just called me selfish, unsupportive and says I'm trying to ruin her big moment. I feel hurt but now I'm wondering if maybe I am TA and should've helped her anyway? for context I am not rolling in money either, I have debt I need to pay and I'm single meaning I pay all of my bills alone, not split in two like she does.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the query.

Infamous-potato-5310 wrote:

She’s being a brat, no one is entitled to a fancy wedding and I can’t think of a bigger waste of money for a young couple.

OP responded:

Right I think that too but it's her wedding and not mine, so not my decision to make how she spends her money, I do however feel like I don't have to support that.

SignificantCicada156 wrote:

NTA here, your sister is being awfully manipujlative, that just sucks. She's trying to guilt you into giving her money for her wedding - that's not your job.

OP responded:

That's what I'm feeling like but also wasn't sure if maybe i'm holding her abortion over her head?

TourCommercial3226 wrote:

NTA. $1,200 is a lot of money. If she's asking for other people to contribute to her wedding she needs to scale back and have a wedding she and her fiance can afford. Side note: Don't love that she never told the fiancé about the abortion. If she didn't trust him enough to tell him how does she trust him enough to get married?

Status-Pattern7539 wrote:

You are never getting that $1200 back. She is being manipulative .

So you may as well say that’s your contribution so you’re not out anymore money.- “you’re right, family does help family. I’ve decided to help contribute to your wedding in the amount of $1200 by wiping clear the debt you owe me.“

If anyone (like family) ask why aren’t you helping your poor sister etc you can then always explain “idk what you’re talking about, I gave her $1200 and can’t afford to give her any more.”

Not your problem if people then question where the $1200 is. It would also stop her from telling anyone about you not contributing if you keep saying this too otherwise she will have too many questions that she wouldn’t have answers to (like her fiance asking where the $1200 went). NTA.

WaryScientist wrote:

NTA - If they can't cover the wedding, they need to scale it back... or save more for themselves. Most wedding costs are not paid in full until the wedding, so they should be able to find the funds if they're living within their means. People more focused on the wedding day than the actual marriage are usually doomed. Tell her you'll contribute to her next one.

lilolememe wrote:

NTA. She calls you selfish, but she chooses to terminate a pregnancy without telling the father and has no problem taking your money and not paying you back. She calls you unsupportive even though you have been nothing but supportive to her, but she can't support you by paying you back.

She's choosing to have an expensive wedding that she can't afford - how that isn't selfish and unsupportive to everyone around her isn't something she understands is just unfathomable. She's such a manipulating, conniving woman, and she's gaslighting you to get what she wants from you by guilt tripping you. Big Sis, stop protecting her. It's time for Lil Sis to adult in life.

CosmosOZ wrote:

Wedding is a luxury or just burning money. Don’t chip in when her attitude is entitled and rude. People should not be forced to chip in. It should be their own volition. NTA.

Also, she didn’t kept her promise to you and gaslighted you. She also hide a huge issue from her finance, the one she suppose to love. Making such a huge decision without her fiancé input is a huge betrayal. I suspect she cheated on him…