'AITA for refusing to go to my in-laws for Christmas and booking a flight to see my family instead?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to go to my in-laws for Christmas this year and booking a flight to see my family instead?"

Me (23F) and my husband (25M) agreed to an arrangement when we got married that we would take it in turns to spend Christmas with our family's i.e. one year with his family, the next with mine, then his again etc.

For context before I explain - his family are nice enough, but they are highly emotional and quite manipulative people (his mum and sister mainly) and can be quite overbearing (we have to go to his home every Sunday for lunch and spend the whole day there, if we miss it once it's the end of the world for him and them).

One time we missed it because I didnt want to go (feeling lazy), he told his mum and she sent me a horrible text saying I'm unappreciative. Also for context, his mum has been sick (she had a small heart attack in September of last year - I am sympathetic but she's been fine since then). Also for context, I am from a different country and am living with him in his home country, my family are all still in my home country.

We got married two years ago, and the first year we spent Christmas with his family (his mum insisted that we go to theirs first). Last year we were supposed to both spend it with my family. I knew they would cause problems, and as expected, at the beginning of December he went to see his family one day without me, and when he came back he said he couldn't spend Christmas with my family.

He said that his mum is ill and there's a chance she won't be around next Christmas (this year). I was concerned obviously, but he said nothing has changed with her condition, the heart attack was just really scary and it's possible

In the end, we both ended up staying with his family again at Christmas. I was really excited to go to see my family this year (we live in his home country so I rarely get to see my family and they were really excited but I got guilt tripped.

Okay so, fast forward to this year. His mum is fine and we're talking about Christmas (because flights to go back to my home are getting more expensive). He asked me why I'm looking at flights, that it's his family's turn to have us at Christmas.

I said no, we were there last year, but he's saying that yes, we were, but it's the third year, so technically it's his family's turn, because we were meant to go to my family last year but we didn't, and that's not his or his family's fault. I said that no, I only did that because I wanted to spend Christmas with him and because his family were guilting me, and that this year it was my family's turn.

We argued, and in the end I went ahead and booked a flight to my home for Christmas, and told him if he doesn't want to go then okay but I will be going with or without him. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

1962Michael said:

NTA. His family Christmas isn't like the Olympics, on an alternate-year schedule planned out decades in advance. Your interpretation is the correct one.

Yes, you should have made this clear when you agreed to not see your family last Christmas, but it should be obvious. In child custody cases, they often alternate holidays. But if one co-parent got a concession one year, it would be "made up" the following year.

Technically since he got 2 in a row, you should get 2 in a row to make up for it. THAT should be your position, and then you can "compromise" on just switching odds and evens.

Wild_Midnight_1347 said:

Your husband is more concern about visiting his family and their feelings, even when it is not “their turn” than taking into consideration your feelings, but you already know this. It appears his family will always come first, and you second.

You will always be second to his family. You need to decide if this is the way you want to live your life. Your husband does not have your back. You have not been married long and are young.

axels_mom said:

Wow. NTA. You need to sit your husband down and have a real conversation. Every Sunday at his parents house? Why? Maybe like once a month if you absolutely need it. That would drive me crazy. Like the weekend is your time to relax from the work week and now you have to go there. That needs to change. What happens if you want to have kids in the future?

Thats a lot to do every week when you could just relax at home. And he needs to learn to put you ahead of his family now. Once you marry, you create a new family unit. Each other come first, along with any kids you may have. Parents are second. That needs to be addressed.

SnooSprouts6437 said:

NTA but this isn't going to go away. He is always going to choose his mom over you. You have to decide if that is what you want. Next year will be another excuse. And the excuses won't stop. He already got you to move to his home country away from your family. It's only fair that you get to go see them for Christmas.

And sog96 said:

Start seeking legal assistance. This marriage is not going to last because he’s married to his family. Imaging when you have kids and he tries to prevent you from taking them to see your family during the holidays.

A few hours later, she shared this brief update in the comments:

Thanks. I know I'm a push over, but having validation from everyone on here has really given me confidence to hold my ground.

I've shown him this post, and he's read the comments, and he's changed his mind, but I've told him it shouldn't take all this for him to take my side.

Stay tuned for any further updates!