'AITA for refusing to let my future in-laws make a speech at my wedding after they tried to talk my fiancé out of marrying me?' + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to let my future in-laws make a speech at my wedding after they tried to talk my fiancé out of marrying me?"
I am getting married in a few months to my fiancé and we're both really excited. We’ve been together for 4 years and honestly he’s my favorite person in the world. We’ve been through a lot like job changes, health scares, a long-distance stretch but we’ve always come out stronger.
The only real sore spot in our relationship has been his parents. They’ve never been rude to my face, but they’ve never liked me. His mom is the passive-aggressive queen, and his dad is one of those guys who smiles at you while saying something subtly insulting like, "You must be pretty persuasive if you got our son to put up with a dog in the house!" (We have two.)
Just constant little digs that make it clear they don’t think I’m wife material. But the real issue came about 6 months ago when my fiancé told me that his parents had sat him down and tried to talk him out of marrying me.
Not once but twice. Once over dinner at their house and again in a phone call. In both convos they basically said I’m too emotional, not raised like them and a mismatch for their son. His mom even said she felt I was beneath his potential.
To his credit he shut it down both times. He told them he loved me that they were being incredibly disrespectful and that this wedding is happening with or without their blessing.
Fast forward to now wedding planning is mostly done and we’re working on the ceremony order and speeches. His parents told him they were preparing a short, heartfelt toast for the reception. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that.
Like… I don’t want to give a microphone to two people who literally tried to sabotage our relationship. I feel like any heartfelt words will either be fake or somehow laced with shade.
He was surprised and said he gets where I’m coming from, but that he thinks it could be a turning point for them to publicly show support and maybe even heal things. I said if they want to prove anything they can do it privately a letter, a conversation, literally anything beforehand.
But I’m not risking my wedding day becoming awkward because they decide to be petty or performative. He said he’d respect whatever I decide, but I can tell he’s hurt.
And now, some of our closest friends are saying I’m being too cold and that it’ll just cause more tension long-term. His parents are obviously offended and called me controlling. So… AITA for putting my foot down and saying no speech from the in-laws?
A few months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi again. Just wanted to give a quick update now that the wedding has come and gone (and I’ve finally had time to breathe again). First of all — the wedding was amazing. Absolutely beautiful.
My husband (still weird to say that!) and I were surrounded by people who love us, the weather held up, the food slapped, and I don’t think I stopped smiling for more than five minutes the entire night.
We danced like fools. It was exactly what I hoped for. Now for the part you're all probably here for: his parents. So, after my original post, my fiancé sat down with them and let them know, firmly but politely, that we were not including them in the speech portion of the evening.
He told them exactly why: that trying to sabotage our relationship and never even apologizing, disqualified them from being honored guests in that way. Apparently, they didn’t take it well.
His mom cried and called me divisive and his dad accused me of ruining family traditions. They didn’t back down or try to have a real conversation, so we left it at that. I honestly didn’t care by that point.
We had made our boundary clear. Wedding day comes and to my surprise, they actually behaved. No snide remarks, no interruptions. They smiled for photos, clapped at the right moments and made it through dinner without drama.
I thought maybe maybe we had gotten through to them.Then came the reception. During the open mic portion (which was meant for a couple of pre-approved friends who wrote quick, funny memories), his dad stood up, walked up to the DJ and tried to take the mic.
I saw it from across the room and immediately panicked. But to my absolute relief our DJ shut it down. He was amazing. He politely said the mic was closed and escorted him away from the stage.
I later found out my best friend had warned the DJ just in case and he had our back 100%. After that, my husband pulled his dad aside and told him that was his one and only warning. We’re adults.
We’re married now. And if they couldn’t respect our boundaries, they’d be seeing a lot less of us. Since then, they’ve been distant. No calls. No texts. But also no apologies. Which is honestly fine with me.
I’m not going to chase people who never wanted to accept me in the first place. I married the love of my life. Our day was everything I wanted. And for the first time in a long time, I feel like we’re fully on the same page as a team.
So yeah. To everyone who commented on my first post and told me I wasn’t being unreasonable: thank you. You gave me the push to stand my ground, and I’m glad I did.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
That story was really great, especially for me since I have had people who were backstabbers, I kind of knew it but tried to be nice, and got stabbed! Good on you for sticking to your guns. Like the little boy who farted in church, they get to sit in their own pew now.
Much happiness to you and your new hubby. Maybe someday (esp if grandkids are incoming) they will re-think their terrible behaviour and give a heartfelt apology for their untoward mean attitude toward you.
Control freak parents suck. It would be interesting to have heard what your FIL was planning on saying, but it must have been priceless to see him escorted away from the mic and not get a chance to say anything mean or left-handed about you and his son's marriage.My guess is that they were being nice at the wedding to give him a chance to do it. You nipped it in the bud!
justorangeandlemon (OP)
So lucky with my hubby but not much with my in laws.
I might have gone with "You will give me the speech to approve. If you deviate from the speech, it will the last time we talk." It is possible, just barely, that they might have had a change of mind, and wanted to honestly welcome you to the family. But I don't blame for you cutting off at the microphone. NTA.
You know you made the right decision when they didn't immediately attempt to apologize to you and make up for their BS when told they were not getting speeches. I think the reality is you gave your husband the strength to have a backbone...and ultimately, that is why they don't like you. He has something worth fighting for...and they no longer have control over him. Hence why they wanted you gone.
You did exactly what you had to do, and it's honestly kind of amazing how resilient you are, it'd be easy to feel guilty for protecting yourself, but these folks clearly weren't going to offer any genuine support. So, as much as it hurts, their lack of grace is really on them and you were right to prioritize your peace because.
Trust me, those wedding memories will be so much brighter without the shadow of their drama, and if I learned anything about family, it's that sometimes you just have to draw a line, and I'll probably need a strong drink later because dealing with relatives can be tougher than it looks, NTA.
So curious what they planned to say! The fact they didn’t even share a draft of their speech is telling.
It's impressive how much you handled that, and it's honestly a key to your strength and conviction that you prioritized your own peace of mind, NTA, and honestly, knowing you had supportive friends to back you up with the DJ, it's clear you had a truly awesome wedding day, and that's something to be incredibly proud of, wouldn't you agree?