'AITA for refusing to be involved in my sister’s wedding traditions?'

"AITA for refusing to be involved in my sister’s wedding traditions?"

My sister (28F) recently got engaged, and I’m genuinely happy for her. Even though we’ve grown apart and rarely see eye to eye, I still went to her engagement celebration because I knew how much it meant to her to have family support.

However, I (27M) have been engaged now for almost 2 years, and my family, especially my dad, has completely refused to support me. In our tradition, after the proposal, the groom’s family is expected to formally meet with the bride’s family as an “introduction” that officially declares the intention of joining the two families.

After my proposal I was eager to organize this introduction, letting my fiancé’s family prepare to host my family but my dad flat-out refused to attend. He said he "did not want to be involved."

My mother refused to challenge him on his decision and neither my sister nor my brother (23M) reached out or tried to advocate for me. I had already planned a date with my fiancée’s family, so it was entirely disrespectful to her and her family, and humiliating and hurtful for me to have my parents shut us down like that.

I believe that because my dad has disapproved of our relationship from the beginning, he thought that without his involvement the marriage would not happen. My fiancée and I decided we weren’t going to let their rejection stop us from moving forward and we’ve been making wedding plans without them. We wanted to honor our tradition but not at the cost of our happiness.

With my sister now engaged, my dad has been over the moon and called me asking when I’d be available to attend her wedding introduction. I was immediately floored at the audacity.

I listened to him talk about the importance of the event and after he finished, had to shut him down, reminding him that when I asked for the same support, he dismissed me completely. After this conversation, he texted me saying that now he wants to meet my fiancée’s family.

Honestly, I find it insulting and convenient that he’s only changing his tune now. Now he expects me to happily play along when I’ve moved on? I don’t want him involved in my relationship and I don’t want to be heavily involved in my sister’s wedding engagements either.

This is because my relationship with my sister is already severely damaged. Before I left home, whilst I was still dating my fiancée, I would constantly be demeaned by my parents for choosing to be with her. During this time my sister never supported my decision or defended me.

Instead, she sided with them and hurled insults to me about me, my fiancé and her family to the point that I felt so isolated and depressed. I eventually moved out and went through therapy, but I’m still traumatized from the whole experience.

I would consider my sister to be an enabler who repeats whatever my parents say without any critical thinking so I’ve learnt not to trust her to have my best interests at heart.

Now my mom is calling me, saying my dad finally coming around is what she’s been “praying for.” But to me, it feels like she never actually pushed my dad to change until it suited his agenda.

My family care a lot about appearances, and I can’t shake the feeling that my dad only wants me involved now to maintain the image of a “perfect family." So AITA for refusing to be involved in my sister’s wedding preparations and not letting my dad suddenly insert himself into my relationship after years of rejection?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LawfulnessPopular408 said:

NTA - for your peace of mind, go low contact or no contact as you can clearly see your “family” do not value you as part of their family.

shyfidelity said:

You obviously don't want a relationship with them. If you did, and just felt traumatized after your engagement, I'd say you could probably try to eventually work some of it out through more therapy and maybe involve them in your life eventually. But this sounds like too much. I don't know if I'd ever trust them again either! NTA.

Kylou8 said:

NTA. I'm amazed you haven't broken contact yet.

ToriaCove said:

NTA - They disrespected your fiancée and your future in-laws, so no, you shouldn't participate. It's too late to try to make amends. Especially, when they aren't being sincere and are only doing it in order to garner your support for your sister.

Oh_Wiseone said:

NTA - ask your father, mother and sister, how they plan to undo the 2 years of disrespect to your future in-laws? As until they address that, you will not be involved with your sisters wedding. Since there is no time travel, they really can’t fix this. Stay away from them.