'AITA for refusing to let my homeless brother move back in after he trashed my house last time?'
"AITA for refusing to let my homeless brother move back in after he trashed my house last time?"
I (29F) own a small house I worked my butt off to buy and fix up. My brother (31M) has always been a total mess with jobs and life in general. Last year he begged to stay with me, just a couple months, because he'd landed a good job right here in our state, super close to my house.
He swore he'd save up quick and move out on his own. I said yes but set clear rules: pay some bills, clean up, no parties, stick to the job. He never paid anything, trashed the place, had loud friends over all hours, borrowed my car without asking, and let his secret dog pee everywhere including my new rug.
He ended up losing that job anyway, and after months of hell, I kicked him out. Now he's homeless again, but he says he's got another job lined up in the exact same area and is crying that he needs a place to crash while he "gets stable."
Swears he's changed and will follow rules this time. I said no I can't handle that stress and damage again. He called me heartless. Aunt and cousins are guilting me hard about family coming first and second chances. My friends say I'm right to protect my home and sanity.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
OldGuto wrote:
NTA. Pretty clear he doesn't really respect you:
"I said yes but set clear rules: pay some bills, clean up, no parties, stick to the job. He never paid anything, trashed the place, had loud friends over all hours, borrowed my car without asking, and let his secret dog pee everywhere including my new rug."
So he's homeless again, I wonder why?
As for the aunt and cousins, why don't they take him in? Heck even offer to help him move into their places.
that_theme5283 wrote:
NTA. He's just going to repeat his behavior. If your aunts and cousins are so worried they can house him themselves.
OP responded:
I gave them this response.
mistressofaDM wrote:
You don't owe him a second chance just because he is family. Your aunt and cousins are welcomed to help him if they feel so strongly about him deserving the help.
OP responded:
You’re the best. Honestly, hearing you say I’m doing the right thing makes me feel so much less guilty about standing my ground.
ashlar9248 wrote:
NTA. Gotta love family taking advantage of family.
OP responded:
That’s really hard, and I feel for him, but it’s not my responsibility to solve his housing problem at the cost of my own stability.
kollectivist wrote:
Bloody hell. At this point I'd consider selling up, getting another fixer-upperer if necessary, and leaving no forwarding address with any of your family. They clearly don't intend to take on the burden, but they're happy to opine that you do. And he knows where you live. NTA. S**tcan him, and let your family contact you by phone only.
Nigklausy wrote:
NTA he broke every single one of your rules not just one. He was never afraid of violating your boundaries and your peace and showed you a great lack of respect after doing him a favour. You don’t owe a person like that anything. They will use you and take advantage of you until there is nothing left. Protect yourself and let someone else shoulder the responsibility if they choose to.
Equivalent_Double_23 wrote:
NTA. If he changed, I bet he’s never acknowledged how he’s wronged you, nor tried to rectify it. Did your family see what he put you through or learn secondhand? If they witnessed it, and fine with your brother’s continuous abuse while living with you, then I would just cut them off. Obviously, they don’t care about you. Protect your peace and you may have to move away altogether, if necessary.
swillshop wrote:
NTA. You know your aunt and cousins will not put their own homes at risk. So your response to any further comments from them is:
“Until EACH of you has housed him for as long as I did AND then still housed him another several months, your words are just a bunch of self-serving hot air.”
For your brother: “You broke my trust so thoroughly and persistently, your claims mean nothing to me. That is on you. You had support from me and blew it to smithereens; that is on you."
"You made every choice that landed you where you are; that is on you. Last time WAS your last chance with me. The folks who say you still should be helped are aunt and cousins. Talk to them if you like. You are wasting your time coming back to me.”
Nester1953 wrote:
You're family. You come first. You deserve a second chance to make the responsible, non-destructive decision of saying no to the man who trashed your house, never paid a cent as promised, had a dog he let pee in your house, had wild parties day and night, and took your car without asking.
Perhaps your aunts and cousins would enjoy having their houses trashed by family. Perhaps you could suggest this to them, given that family is so important to them. NTA. Absolutely say no. It sounds like there' s plenty of other family that would be delighted to step up. (Of course they're not stepping up. For the same reasons you shouldn't.)
A2AdjectivesAndANoun wrote:
NTA the family members that think he's so changed can put him up in their house or a short term rental or long term hotel or something. He hasn't done anything to make amends, so why should you believe he's changed? Side note, SECRET DOG??? I would lose it if someone staying with me brought in a dog without my permission.