'AITA for refusing to let my MIL stay with us after she became unhoused?'
"AITA for refusing to let my MIL stay with us after she became unhoused?"
I (36F) have been married to my husband (37M) for 8 years, and we have two young children. My relationship with my mother-in-law has been strained for a long time due to repeated boundary violations, public conflicts, and a lack of accountability on her part. I’m asking because I’m being made to feel like I’m heartless for saying no, and I need an outside perspective.
Here are some examples that has led to our strained relationship. Leading up to our wedding, she created drama around nearly every event. During our stag and doe, she accused my father of stealing from us. At the wedding itself, she wore a very light pink (almost white) jumpsuit, drank a lot, and went around the hotel banging on doors trying to keep the party going.
While I was pregnant, she texted me saying I shouldn’t “use pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy” because my husband was doing laundry. At the time, we lived on the top floor of a triplex, and he didn’t want me carrying heavy loads up multiple flights of stairs.
When I was in labor with my daughter, she showed up uninvited and waited at the hospital until the baby was born. Afterward, she posted on Facebook claiming she wasn’t allowed to hold her granddaughter, even though my husband hadn’t held her yet and she never asked. She also criticized me for not wanting to breastfeed long-term, despite the fact that I did breastfeed for three months as planned.
She has insulted me directly in the past, including calling me an “over-educated idiot.” She has also lashed out over minor issues, such as offering us furniture, being told politely that we didn’t have space, and then accusing us of being ungrateful.
When my son was born in 2020, no visitors were allowed, and I was seriously ill in the days after his birth. Without asking, she told my husband she planned to stay at our house for a week. When he said no, she went on Facebook again, saying we were keeping her from her grandson and that “the parents think they know best.”
She also contacted my father directly to accuse him of emotionally harming my daughter. Because of this behavior, my husband decided not to allow her to see our son until Christmas that year.
A consistent issue throughout all of this is that she never takes accountability. She believes everyone is out to get her and that every conflict is someone else’s fault. She regularly portrays herself as the victim and refuses to acknowledge how her behavior affects others.
She also struggles with drinking, which has contributed to many of these situations and the breakdown of her relationships. Over time, she has pushed away most of the people in her life. We have tried over the years to get her help with her dependence, but have come to realize that they need to want the help in the first place.
The final straw for me came on Mother’s Day 2022, when she emailed me saying she knew I didn’t like her and told me not to believe my husband, claiming he was dishonest. At the time, she had blocked him because he refused to give her money. After that, I cut contact for my own mental health and have not had a relationship with her since.
Now to the current issue: Recently, she set fire to her apartment and was evicted. She had an opportunity to regain her housing if she dropped a lawsuit against the building, but she believed she would win and refused. Why she had a lawsuit with the building when the fire was her our fault, I have no idea.
She lost the case and is now unhoused and staying in a shelter. My husband wants to let her stay with us. I have said no because I believe it would destroy our marriage, I would not feel safe or comfortable in my own home, and based on her history, she would not respect boundaries and we would never be able to get her to leave and find her own place. Even her own daughter (my SIL) has refused to take her in.
I feel empathy for her situation, but I also feel that her homelessness is the result of long-term behavior, poor decisions, and refusal to accept responsibility. I don’t believe it’s fair to sacrifice my marriage, my mental health, or my children’s stability to fix a situation she continues to create. AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law stay with us?
NOTE: I realized I may have been a bit vague when I stated she "set fire to her apartment." To my knowledge, it was not intentional, but it was extremely negligent. She was making candles on her stovetop and left them unattended to go to the apartment building’s common area in the middle of the night. When she returned, her apartment was filled with fire and smoke.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
concernedreader1982 said:
NTA. Seems you're trying to protect your marriage and family. Your husband needs to respect that. Have you reminded him of all she's done?
Own_Eye2543 said:
NTA, and die on this hill. You sound so reasonable, I can't imagine how your husband can see it any other way. Why would you invite utter chaos into your home? Why would you ruin your home and lives - for HER? Does he struggle with guilt? It's not his fault and he can't fix her. He can only ruin what you have together. I hope your husband can get some help to understand this
GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU said:
NTA, and heck no. My first marriage was largely destroyed because I gave in to my ex's insistence on letting her junkie brother move in with us. The strain was too much, and that was WITHOUT the pressure of worrying about having kids around an arsonist.
PretendSweet5734 said:
NTA. I hope your husband sides with you on this. If he lets your MIL stay at your place for any length of time, MIL will try to extend that stay indefinitely.
iseeisayibe said:
NTA. Did your husband forget what kind of person his mother is? Your family isn’t safe around her. Stick to your guns. She has no one because of her behavior.
ButterscotchFit8175 said:
NTA. Ask husband where your family will live when she sets fire to your home, assuming you all survive. He will say she wouldn't do that. The answer is "you would have said she wouldn't set fire to her apartment either, but here we are." She is a danger to your family.