'AITA for refusing to make calls to social services on my girlfriend's behalf?' 'She's too anxious.'
"AITA for refusing to make calls to social services on my girlfriend's behalf?"
My (30M) partner (29F) has phone anxiety and executive dysfunction. A lot of the time, I need to be on top of things like bills, coordinating repairs, etc. I've more or less accepted that.
Without revealing where we live, she's been unemployed for nearly two years and has been on social services payments this whole time. I've been (and still am) working full time. She has a fair chunk of savings from when she did work and we currently live with my parents, so there aren't many household expenses at the moment though obviously she doesn't get much income.
Recently, we went on a long vacation, and before doing so I told her that she should notify social services that she would be leaving the country, as they would have to pause her payments until she returns.
Four weeks into vacation she gets an international call from them which she missed, and a notification that she now owes them money. So obviously she didn't do that. I kept my mouth shut since scolding her wouldn't really do anything; just to get it sorted out when we returned.
Now, two weeks after we're back, she comes in while I'm working from home, saying she's too anxious to call them and get it sorted out. I offer to be there on hold with her, since I still need to work.
She says I could call them on my behalf when I'm on lunch break. I refuse, because these calls take a notoriously long time, and would almost definitely eat into my work hours as well. She's now calling me selfish and the AH for refusing. I asked after finishing work if she called; she hasn't answered, just saying "why does it matter to you?" AITA?
Additional context: I'm currently in therapy for various things. She's on the spectrum and hasn't been to therapy in years, despite me telling her to start again. She cites the cost (which is admittedly pretty expensive). I also have to pay for our couples therapy when we do that.
The social services line is only open during typical work hours. My work isn't always busy, but I do receive calls from clients out of the blue so it's expected I'm at least present and ready to answer during work hours.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Fatty_Bombur said:
Just what exactly does she bring to relationship? She doesn’t work, doesn’t contribute financially, won’t or can’t take care of things herself and won’t get the therapy she needs to ease the situation. NTA.
Aggressive_Cattle320 said:
NTA. This is her personal finance business that only she can inquire about. When it's anything of a personal nature and privacy laws are present, she is the one who needs to call. She probably has social anxiety, as fear of using a phone is a very common symptom of that condition.
But she needs to face her fears and call them to get this straightened out. Otherwise, they might stop her payments altogether and I doubt she wants that. She's a big girl, and can handle it.
ApprehensiveBook4214 said:
NTA. Sounds like it's time to pull back before this becomes enabling. If she's forced to deal with her responsibilities herself she may get motivated to go to therapy.
livelaughloveev said:
NTA. I completely get having phone anxiety, as I have it as well, but when things need to get done, your partner has to sit down and force herself to do them. Maybe you can offer your help in other ways, like writing her a script to follow when she calls, or giving her a practice call, but calling for her doesn’t make sense when she’s the one who’s unemployed with ample free time. You can’t do everything.
TickityTickityBoom said:
NTA and I’d dump her, she can book and go on an international holiday on her own, but can’t pick up the phone. She can not work for two years getting benefit payments and book and go on an international holiday but cant get a job. Re-address your relationship.
Princess2045 said:
NTA. She’s an adult, she needs to either learn how to do these things herself, or get on disability or into a group home or something that would mean she doesn’t have to do any calls.
Brother-Cane said:
NTA. Being "on the spectrum" and having anxiety is no excuse for refusing to act like an adult and take responsibility for her own life.